[IC: Amrit] Koṣa paricchada asi vat ....
"Tara. Tara, what do you want?"
This is the power of a mother’s love for her child.
~*~
He is perfect. Utterly, unconditionally perfect. I cannot help but love him. Gently, I brush the palm of my hand over the crown of his head, smoothing downy hair and soothing away his fretful tears. Otherwise, I can only gaze at him, disbelieving and amazed.
How well-formed, how beautiful he will be. I see so much of his father in him: smooth unblemished skin the colour of sand-in-shadow, the beginnings of what will be a broad, intelligent brow, a sweep of dark lashes, soft fuzz of angled eyebrows, a hawk’s beak nose that is softened only slightly by my more gentle features. A strong, brave chin, and tenderly curved lips, which will twist in wry amusement and glisten darkly at the moment of his first kiss. Wide, alert eyes - my eyes, in shape and colour, and the clearest mark I have left upon him - which gaze back at me in total comprehension.
My son is perfect. I see in him his father, and I cannot help but love them both.
I lift his tiny hand to my cheek, feeling the little tips of his fingers and the softness of his palm on my skin. Imagined calluses form there, the marks of the warrior-King who wields asi and carma and dhanuḥ with skill and cunning and patience.
I press my lips to his cheeks, his nose, his eyes - I cover his little hands and feet in kisses and cradle him with my soul entire. Kali-ma, bless my child. Bless my son. This I swear; no harm will come to him so long as I am able to prevent it. I will die, rather than see it come to pass. I am a mother now, a servant to my child. What other duty should I want for?
The sound of heavy footsteps rouses me, and I sense the fierceness in my heart swell as I draw the child to my breast. It is not known that I have a child, and it cannot be known before my lord is made aware. I pass the child to my eunuch, who obscures the boy from sight, but it is only my lord’s most trusted guards. They have come to summon me to audience, and by the tightness around their eyes, my lord is wroth. He knows I have a secret, Jai has made him aware, but he does not know what it is. I rise and smile pleasantly. I knew this moment would come. I am ready.
~*~
I stand before him with my eyes lowered. I must fight the temptation to sink to my knees on the floor - it would be unwise now, to show that much weakness.
He has seen me almost not at all in the past two seasons, and I have missed him in my way. We have only shared glances through the delicate apertures of latticework veils, and the once in the early months when I danced for him. His son was born healthy and strong, and the past month, needed to be certain that the boy would live through infancy, has been a torment without the father - a torment I do not fully understand. But now that I am here with him, it seems that I don’t think I have ever been so terrified in my entire life. When all things are considered and the unnatural length of my life is counted, this is an amazing revelation.
Then again, there is no more fearsome man than my lord Anvinita when he is in his fury.
His wrath surges against my ears in a torrent of ire and pain. At first, he makes no sense. He simply raves. It takes some time for me to sort sense from blind anger, but fear always sharpens the wits. He cannot understand how I could, or would, keep such a thing from him - though he does not know of the Shadow Courts, and so how could he? Only through the arts of the Rakta could a mere mortal such as I conceal a pregnancy. And only for their schemes and my vengance would I have done so. But these are things I cannot tell him, because he does not know what he speaks of. He knows a lie. It is very odd, to know more than your own king. Yet I have another answer prepared. It is also the truth, but still, I am frightened.
“She is her Lord’s most humble servant. She did not seek to deceive him - only to be certain that what she had hoped was true. Only to be certain that she did not bring him pain or grief.” Only also to be certain that you would not kill my daughter, did I have one, because I know you are quite finished with daughters.
“You insult me. Do not speak to me this way, Maya. Speak to me as a man and not a king. I have given you the right, a right that only a wife should have. Speak plainly, or not at all.”
My eyes close. I didn’t know this would be so difficult. I have only the truth to give him, and I hope it is enough. Learn, girl. Learn or die.
“I - I am sorry, my King. It is only that ... you are frightening me.”
In four solid strides he has crossed the room to take my face in his hands. I am too scared and too surprised to defy him, and he tilts my head so that he can see my face. He says nothing, but I see plainly that he is asking my forgiveness.
Shivali had not lied. Months of distance from this man has made him mad with desire. She had not told me, however, what it would do to me.
My son must live. My son must live for many years with his father’s protection - his father, whom I love. His father, who killed Chandani. Were it not for this child, it would not be so. I don’t think that I would love him otherwise. Yet my son was a necessary step towards vengeance. To have one, I find I must also have the other. But it is a hard thing to know that one day, you will open the doors of his house to his death. It is a hard thing to live with a love that you yourself will end.
Good things can never last.
I smile at him, and there is no falsehood in it. At least I am no longer forced to lie, no longer forced to carefully analyze what things I must say and do to bring this man to love me. I must be careful still, I cannot slip, and perhaps it is even more dangerous now - but ....
“Yes, Anvinita,” I whisper to him, “I love you also.”
I move my hand in a small gesture before placing gentle fingers across his brow. I can feel that my smile turns grave - for the first time since his birth, I see my son in his father. The eunuch enters, and my lord draws away.
“What is this, Maya?”
Again I lower my eyes and clasp my hands in front of me - but this time, it is so he cannot see my pleasure. He is no longer wroth with me, and I can permit myself a little impertinence.
“Perhaps you should see for yourself, my King?”
His tone darkens. “Tell me what this is, Maya.” He wants me. He loves me. But he is not sure that he can trust me.
“If it pleases you, great King - Vishal holds for you your son.”
Only a moment passes before his great strides devour the distance and brings him to the eunuch. It is much longer before I hear his hushed voice speak.
“He is beautiful, Maya. Maya, come to me. Maya, Maya - rani.”
Queen.
There is nothing I will not do for my son. In one bitter moment, he has already done everything for me.
~*~
Tara,
I have done as you asked.
I love you.
As a sharp sword within a soft sheath .... this is a mother's love.