(no subject)
I find I appreciate 'artists' atm. Not that I'd ever think of being one professionally much less suggest anyone ever be one. As a hobby, art would be good. Unless you're actually doing something that can lead to real money -- doesn't happen much that I can tell.
I dunno. Wish I could just physically manifest my thoughts/feelings. Might make for an interesting piece? Probably be ridiculous looking.
I think a girl at work likes me. That feels juvenile to even think. None the less, the thought of her makes me smile. But then I think about it. We're kind of too different I think. I over analyze. She's educated -- pro. Physical Therapist? Whatever I guess. It's better than many options. Moot point. Good personality. Nice person. Pros on both. Self declared country girl. Not sure about that one. Not really a con. I like the country. Country is good. Not a fan of the music -- though I don't mind it contrary to verbal protests outright. Dunno. Family is in farming I think. Would make me look like a city boy. Lol. Whatever. Lots of friend, which is a good thing I suppose. Compared to my...? Eh. Likes to chill out with friends at bars. Not a big fan of bars. Don't mind them if I'm there with someone.
Bittersweet.
I start to become remarkably introspective. My own most brutal critic. I'm outwardly confident, borderline arrogant. Inwardly in need of approval. A "loner" thats thirsts for acceptance but has no idea what to do with it? What a conundrum. I look at all sorts of girls that would make possible significant others lately, but decided there's really just too much difference. Then again, how fair is my mental process? Educated - Easy. Sense of humor - Not hard. Serious at times, but able to be facetious. Likes Anime and or video games, but isn't a bum. Relatively good looking but not stupid -- not as easy. Preferably without a BF as I don't believe in fucking around with other people's relationships too much. Makes me conclude "all the good ones are taken." Seems like I end up tripping up for the ones who have just broken up with BFs. Interesting how that works. Had a BF because they're desirable by many. However, acting as rebound isn't good. And if they may actually be of value as a significant other but do not have a bf, they probably haven't in a long while, and I'm not sure what to do. For some reason these ones then to be surrounded by men -- as this co-worker is. Ends up that I simply don't want to encroach on someone.
I'm confident -- I honestly believe I'm above average in value to society, and intelligence in general. At most times, I don't care what others think, but its when an interest in a girl sparks in my head that the exception to this rule pops up. Its like becoming absolutely vulnerable in a spot. I still don't care what anyone else thinks except perhaps her (we do not include fam/friends in the "idc what others think" 'others' category). But once I care what she thinks, it opens a world of people that I indirectly worry about because keeping a favorable impression, in my head, with people she knows, is important. Simply put, it becomes nearly as important to me what her family and all of her friends think, as she thinks. The more friends she has, the more people. And the more intelligent/capable I view her as being, the more I assume her parents are strong people. Parents are a generally unpleasant thing. Not that I don't get along with them well. I think the fact that her parents are farmers would worry me. I'm sure they do more work in 2 days than I do in a week probably. -_-
Or maybe I'm just dodging. Is any of this anything short of excuses? Fear manifesting in justifications. I'm boring, have no time and suck in some social situations. A coward? Strange how I seem an arrogant coward.
I was reading the Cancer-Leo cusp description. It was eerie how much it seemed to describe me. How can your time of birth really form you?
Anywho. I need to work on things in the near future. 1.) Less overly outwardly arrogant -- even if half of it is sarcasm and/or my overwhelming curiosity to see what others say to it. 2.) Become more confident. 3.) Take risks on the reality that there really isn't much to loose. 4.) Just fucking do it.
Heh, Dear LJ, I'm glad no one really reads you anymore. Perhaps I'll remember to delete you before someone might.