living situations
I am feeling so angry and bitter right now. And since I'm lazy, I'm going to a post a letter I just e-mailed to Geoff's daughter in Alaska, rather than type up another explanation, and i'm bracketing some addt comments:
Moriah,
No, I don't mind the questions. To be honest, this living situation has been the only real major argument in our otherwise very happy marriage. And although we have some very major disagreements this particular issue, I'm sure God will work everything out, so please don't worry.
So, I'll give you my side of the story. I thought, that when we first moved in here a year and a half ago, I made it quite clear that the only reason I was agreeing to it was that Peg[Geoff's mom] had just had her heart attack and major bypass surgery and was literally not capable of staying by herself. I made it clear to everyone (or so I thought), that this was a temporary situation I was agreeing to as a favor to Peg and to Geoff, because I respected Geoff's love and concern for his mother. I said that we could stay until in became uncomfortable for Peg and I (and of course until she had recovered fully from her operation).
Well, needless to say, that point came and went quite a while ago. Geoff tried to use the argument that we couldn't afford our own place, which I couldn't see as true because I had been paying rent for years, and with our combined salaries (this was when I was at JC Penney's) we were certainly making enough money to afford a small apartment, but still Geoff would not agree to leave.
I did for a while try to make it work. We spent a good bit of time, money and effort on fixing up some things here, but that is where the issue of the whole will and Geoff not inheriting any part of the house comes in. I'm sorry we haven't sent you any pictures yet, but we really did a lot of work in the basement, in our bedroom, and we built a really nice garden outside. There were a lot of smaller things as well, fixing leaks in the roof, planting grass in the backyard, and general maintenance stuff. Well, I can't help feeling that all of that time and sweat and especially money, has basically gone down the drain. If we had had our own place the last year and a half, all of that would have been worth something, but now, when the house is sold we won't even get a nickel.
Dan[Geoff's brother] was over yesterday and things kind of came to a head with me. Your mother was desperately searching through old files to see if she could find some receipts for money she had sent to your mom[Geoff's 1st wife] and Geoff some 20 years ago or something. And the reason, Peg said, was that she wanted to prove to my grandmother(!) why Geoff is not in the will. [It is absolutely ridiculous that she would think something like that would make the slightest bit of difference to my grandmother. If my grandmother is concerned in this at all, it is only because she is concerned about my life, my happiness and my future. She doesn't want to see me being taken advantage of and being miserable. Her advice to me before we got married was "get your own place, even if it's just a hole in the wall"] Well, I had kept my mouth shut for a year and a half, but this was just too much. If Geoff is not in the will because of whatever money changed hands when I was 2 years old, well that's fine. I understand where Peg is coming from wanting to be fair to all of her children. But then WHY, when everything is supposed to be equal then, why is it Geoff who is still the one having to put his life on hold to stay here, take care of his mother, and put his time, energy and finances into this white elephant of a house that he won't get a single part of?? Why, whenever anything goes wrong or needs replaced, is Geoff the one doing the repairs and footing the bill? It really makes my blood boil to see him being taken advantage of like this, because he is such a nice person and he won't stand up for himself.
Well, I don't think I was quite so clear yesterday about my feelings because I am still trying to be respectful and understand that it's really Geoff's place to speak to his family about the issue, not mine. I just don't believe he has any desire or intention of ever doing so. He's perfectly content to let us have to stay here and take care of things and take care of his mom, while Kim [Geoff's sister] and Dan can visit every once in a while, never offer to pay for anything, and collect their winnings at the end. And it seems like he's doing this because of some bizarre sense of guilt or obligation. And although I've tried to tell him my feelings many times, he refuses to see how much this is hurting me and driving us apart. And apart from me and him, I've told him how unfair it is that Peg and I are in this position where we feel such resentment of each other.
So, to answer your question. No, it is not all your grandmother. She can be annoying, but that is not really the issue. The issue is that I feel like Geoff and I have put our lives on hold here, when I desperately want to move on. Most of my friends have bought houses now, and it's not that they make more money than us. They're working on their own homes, having children, and all those things people do for the future. I feel very trapped and unhappy here. And I finally broke down and told Geoff some 6 months or so ago, that I would rather us be living in trailers than here, where at least we would have our privacy. And for me, this was a huge statement, because I never thought I would agree to live in the trailers, but if Geoff kept using money as an excuse, well, then I would truly rather be there than here. At least his time and effort would be focused on doing something that is worth something to him. (Yes, it would be even more wonderful if he sold the property and got some of the medical care he needs, but there is absolutely no way he will do that)
I would love to live in Alaska. We've talked about it a number of times, but Geoff's line is that he won't leave here as long as his mother is alive. I think he's going to have to make a decision about that, because once I graduate I may have to go somewhere where I can get a job, regardless of his feelings. I feel upset, because these should be our happy years. We should be having joy and fun and some privacy with each other. I am upset because I feel like your dad doesn't really get where I'm coming from. He sort of brushes off my concerns as me being “ungrateful” or selfish.
And yes, I am really really excited about going abroad. It's like a bright spot on my horizon. But please believe me when I say that I really love your dad and I don't believe I would ever leave him. I will miss him so much while I am gone, but at the same time, it will be so freeing to be out and away from this situation. I have already made up my mind there is no way I will stay in this house once I graduate. I do not even want to stay in this state. But, your dad and I will have to work out a compromise on this issue. Peg actually said yesterday that what she really wants to do is sell the house and move to a retirement community. Well, I've been around here a little too long to put much stock in her saying things like that, but I don't know, I just need to trust that God will work things out.
Well, sorry for such a long e-mail, but I thought you'd want a full explanation. I'm going to send Geoff a copy of this e-mail because I don't want to feel like I'm going behind his back, and I'm not saying anything to you that I haven't already said many times to him.
And it would be so wonderful if we could come and visit you next summer. It's kind of sad to think that Isaiah is almost 2 and we haven't even met him yet. I hope things will work out so that we can come up sooner rather than later.
Much love,
Sarah
Moriah,
No, I don't mind the questions. To be honest, this living situation has been the only real major argument in our otherwise very happy marriage. And although we have some very major disagreements this particular issue, I'm sure God will work everything out, so please don't worry.
So, I'll give you my side of the story. I thought, that when we first moved in here a year and a half ago, I made it quite clear that the only reason I was agreeing to it was that Peg[Geoff's mom] had just had her heart attack and major bypass surgery and was literally not capable of staying by herself. I made it clear to everyone (or so I thought), that this was a temporary situation I was agreeing to as a favor to Peg and to Geoff, because I respected Geoff's love and concern for his mother. I said that we could stay until in became uncomfortable for Peg and I (and of course until she had recovered fully from her operation).
Well, needless to say, that point came and went quite a while ago. Geoff tried to use the argument that we couldn't afford our own place, which I couldn't see as true because I had been paying rent for years, and with our combined salaries (this was when I was at JC Penney's) we were certainly making enough money to afford a small apartment, but still Geoff would not agree to leave.
I did for a while try to make it work. We spent a good bit of time, money and effort on fixing up some things here, but that is where the issue of the whole will and Geoff not inheriting any part of the house comes in. I'm sorry we haven't sent you any pictures yet, but we really did a lot of work in the basement, in our bedroom, and we built a really nice garden outside. There were a lot of smaller things as well, fixing leaks in the roof, planting grass in the backyard, and general maintenance stuff. Well, I can't help feeling that all of that time and sweat and especially money, has basically gone down the drain. If we had had our own place the last year and a half, all of that would have been worth something, but now, when the house is sold we won't even get a nickel.
Dan[Geoff's brother] was over yesterday and things kind of came to a head with me. Your mother was desperately searching through old files to see if she could find some receipts for money she had sent to your mom[Geoff's 1st wife] and Geoff some 20 years ago or something. And the reason, Peg said, was that she wanted to prove to my grandmother(!) why Geoff is not in the will. [It is absolutely ridiculous that she would think something like that would make the slightest bit of difference to my grandmother. If my grandmother is concerned in this at all, it is only because she is concerned about my life, my happiness and my future. She doesn't want to see me being taken advantage of and being miserable. Her advice to me before we got married was "get your own place, even if it's just a hole in the wall"] Well, I had kept my mouth shut for a year and a half, but this was just too much. If Geoff is not in the will because of whatever money changed hands when I was 2 years old, well that's fine. I understand where Peg is coming from wanting to be fair to all of her children. But then WHY, when everything is supposed to be equal then, why is it Geoff who is still the one having to put his life on hold to stay here, take care of his mother, and put his time, energy and finances into this white elephant of a house that he won't get a single part of?? Why, whenever anything goes wrong or needs replaced, is Geoff the one doing the repairs and footing the bill? It really makes my blood boil to see him being taken advantage of like this, because he is such a nice person and he won't stand up for himself.
Well, I don't think I was quite so clear yesterday about my feelings because I am still trying to be respectful and understand that it's really Geoff's place to speak to his family about the issue, not mine. I just don't believe he has any desire or intention of ever doing so. He's perfectly content to let us have to stay here and take care of things and take care of his mom, while Kim [Geoff's sister] and Dan can visit every once in a while, never offer to pay for anything, and collect their winnings at the end. And it seems like he's doing this because of some bizarre sense of guilt or obligation. And although I've tried to tell him my feelings many times, he refuses to see how much this is hurting me and driving us apart. And apart from me and him, I've told him how unfair it is that Peg and I are in this position where we feel such resentment of each other.
So, to answer your question. No, it is not all your grandmother. She can be annoying, but that is not really the issue. The issue is that I feel like Geoff and I have put our lives on hold here, when I desperately want to move on. Most of my friends have bought houses now, and it's not that they make more money than us. They're working on their own homes, having children, and all those things people do for the future. I feel very trapped and unhappy here. And I finally broke down and told Geoff some 6 months or so ago, that I would rather us be living in trailers than here, where at least we would have our privacy. And for me, this was a huge statement, because I never thought I would agree to live in the trailers, but if Geoff kept using money as an excuse, well, then I would truly rather be there than here. At least his time and effort would be focused on doing something that is worth something to him. (Yes, it would be even more wonderful if he sold the property and got some of the medical care he needs, but there is absolutely no way he will do that)
I would love to live in Alaska. We've talked about it a number of times, but Geoff's line is that he won't leave here as long as his mother is alive. I think he's going to have to make a decision about that, because once I graduate I may have to go somewhere where I can get a job, regardless of his feelings. I feel upset, because these should be our happy years. We should be having joy and fun and some privacy with each other. I am upset because I feel like your dad doesn't really get where I'm coming from. He sort of brushes off my concerns as me being “ungrateful” or selfish.
And yes, I am really really excited about going abroad. It's like a bright spot on my horizon. But please believe me when I say that I really love your dad and I don't believe I would ever leave him. I will miss him so much while I am gone, but at the same time, it will be so freeing to be out and away from this situation. I have already made up my mind there is no way I will stay in this house once I graduate. I do not even want to stay in this state. But, your dad and I will have to work out a compromise on this issue. Peg actually said yesterday that what she really wants to do is sell the house and move to a retirement community. Well, I've been around here a little too long to put much stock in her saying things like that, but I don't know, I just need to trust that God will work things out.
Well, sorry for such a long e-mail, but I thought you'd want a full explanation. I'm going to send Geoff a copy of this e-mail because I don't want to feel like I'm going behind his back, and I'm not saying anything to you that I haven't already said many times to him.
And it would be so wonderful if we could come and visit you next summer. It's kind of sad to think that Isaiah is almost 2 and we haven't even met him yet. I hope things will work out so that we can come up sooner rather than later.
Much love,
Sarah