(no subject)
i'm scared more often
then i think people realize.
people have started calling me goddess.
no really, it's true.
i dont say this to be prideful,
it is nearly out of shock.
i am so human it is almost wretched.
that used to be
what drew folks to me.
but no one wants to see my weakness.
people dont go to the theater to watch people
fall down,
they go to watch them rise.
and so i rise.
or at least,
i try.
i am afraid it wont be fast or far enough.
i am afraid i will fall short.
i am afraid i will let every one down.
i am afraid that everyone will one day look right through me,
will say,
remember that girl?
she was so talented,
what happened to her?
i am afraid of
all of the times i've said
i always believed i would die young, because
i wonder if they were not wistful;
if underneath it all, there was not the selfish thought
that i would rather be snatched from earth
then have to live through seeing myself
fade away.
i suppose there are worse things
then obliteration.
like maybe,
never living up to potential.
i think that scares me most of all,
that no matter how much i create,
how hard i work, or how little,
how much i strive, or with what grace
i let things flow,
that i will never truly live up to what
i could be
and it will eat me from the inside out.
that may be my biggest fear,
and my oldest, the one i remember
keeping me up at night when i was
knee high to
no one.
my lover tells me
i have already arrived.
that i have come full circle;
that time is fluid and i am just the same now
as i was then.
that i have already arrived;
that there is no next level,
i either do the work
or i dont;
and i know that he is right,
and i know that
the work was never in question.
he says 'when you take all these
variables into account
that dont need to be part of the equation
the equation doesn't make sense
and things dont add up anymore'
and he is right.
he says,
'this has all been laid out for you already,
you either reach out and take it,
or sit around hoping you'll do ok,
and watch it pass you by.'
and i know
that he is right.
i tell myself,
you dont have to feel like doing it,
you just have to do it.
i tell myself, it's okay to be afraid
you simply have to be afraid
and do it anyway.
be afraid and
keep moving.
or give up being afraid
and keep moving.
fear or not, i know that i will move,
because i'm too determined not to.
what else is there for me to do?
so why not release the fear, give in to trust
and move from faith?
move with joy?
move because i love to, and because once
i did it because i had to from the inside
and not the out,
tho it is easy to get turn around
and lose your way.
i tell myself:
fear is not a stop sign.
it is not even 'proceed with caution'
or 'yield'.
it is a flashlight, it is a beacon, it is a lighthouse,
it is a sure sign
that i am on the right track.
if i wasn't afraid, it wouldn't be big enough
it wouldn't be worth it,
if i wasn't afraid i'd be bored.
so be afraid and do it anyway.
or even better yet, do it because you love to,
and let fear go fuck itself.
then i think people realize.
people have started calling me goddess.
no really, it's true.
i dont say this to be prideful,
it is nearly out of shock.
i am so human it is almost wretched.
that used to be
what drew folks to me.
but no one wants to see my weakness.
people dont go to the theater to watch people
fall down,
they go to watch them rise.
and so i rise.
or at least,
i try.
i am afraid it wont be fast or far enough.
i am afraid i will fall short.
i am afraid i will let every one down.
i am afraid that everyone will one day look right through me,
will say,
remember that girl?
she was so talented,
what happened to her?
i am afraid of
all of the times i've said
i always believed i would die young, because
i wonder if they were not wistful;
if underneath it all, there was not the selfish thought
that i would rather be snatched from earth
then have to live through seeing myself
fade away.
i suppose there are worse things
then obliteration.
like maybe,
never living up to potential.
i think that scares me most of all,
that no matter how much i create,
how hard i work, or how little,
how much i strive, or with what grace
i let things flow,
that i will never truly live up to what
i could be
and it will eat me from the inside out.
that may be my biggest fear,
and my oldest, the one i remember
keeping me up at night when i was
knee high to
no one.
my lover tells me
i have already arrived.
that i have come full circle;
that time is fluid and i am just the same now
as i was then.
that i have already arrived;
that there is no next level,
i either do the work
or i dont;
and i know that he is right,
and i know that
the work was never in question.
he says 'when you take all these
variables into account
that dont need to be part of the equation
the equation doesn't make sense
and things dont add up anymore'
and he is right.
he says,
'this has all been laid out for you already,
you either reach out and take it,
or sit around hoping you'll do ok,
and watch it pass you by.'
and i know
that he is right.
i tell myself,
you dont have to feel like doing it,
you just have to do it.
i tell myself, it's okay to be afraid
you simply have to be afraid
and do it anyway.
be afraid and
keep moving.
or give up being afraid
and keep moving.
fear or not, i know that i will move,
because i'm too determined not to.
what else is there for me to do?
so why not release the fear, give in to trust
and move from faith?
move with joy?
move because i love to, and because once
i did it because i had to from the inside
and not the out,
tho it is easy to get turn around
and lose your way.
i tell myself:
fear is not a stop sign.
it is not even 'proceed with caution'
or 'yield'.
it is a flashlight, it is a beacon, it is a lighthouse,
it is a sure sign
that i am on the right track.
if i wasn't afraid, it wouldn't be big enough
it wouldn't be worth it,
if i wasn't afraid i'd be bored.
so be afraid and do it anyway.
or even better yet, do it because you love to,
and let fear go fuck itself.