Hindrances
Last week was kind of crazy. It's not that my schedule was particularly busy, or things were out of the ordinary, but internally things were all out of whack. I'm not entirely sure what brought it on, but I'm thinking it was probably something that built up over time. I first really started noticing it last Saturday. I kept catching myself coming up with mean jokes to post on peoples statuses and pictures, but then restraining myself. I had a lot of opportunities, so I began to take notice. Later that day I went out to eat with freinds and I caught myself doing the same thing. I was saying everything as a joke, but it was all pretty mean. This continued on through the next day.
I kept telling people that I didn't know what it was all about, and that I wasn't bitter or anything. To my knowledge, I wasn't, but when I quieted myself down for a bit, it turned out that I really was bitter, and hurt, and all sorts of mess. There wasn't one single thing that was bothering me, but a bunch of things together that hadn't bothered me in years.
I think what brought it on is the next season I'm heading into. I don't know anything for certain, but I know there are some big changes coming up, and the common thread throughout all the past issues that were coming up is that they were all a result of big changes. In the past, every time I'd step out for a big change, things would go horribly wrong. Whether it's relationships, school, career focus...anything that affects my whole life, my track record is pretty bad. I think God was confronting these things to keep them from holding me back from moving forward. When I thought about those things, they would stir up feelings of hesitency to go down those same roads again, so they were, in fact, a hindrance.
On the other side of these issues, there was an underlying feeling that I'm going it alone. Of course, it always traces back to my age old rejection/abandonment issues. I can never seem to find the limits of their impact. In careers, it's kept me from fully pursuing a certain field in the fear that one is not the right one, even though I know I'm capable of succeeding in any of them, there's an underlying feeling that if I choose the wrong one, the Lord will not be able to use me fully. In relationships, its kept me from really pursuing any kind if serious relationship in the fear that if I choose the wrong girl then I'd just cause a lot of hurt for no reason. (Note: I'm not necesarily saying that I've passed up opportunities for careers, or relationships, but it's the mentality that is the issue.) In schooling, even though I only have a year left, I've been hesitant to going full time again because God took me out of my last school specifically, so there's an underlying feeling that if I choose the wrong school I'll wind up in the same position.
Of course when I say (or write) any of these things out, it sound ridiculous, but these are the emotional responses that God stirred up in me this past week to clear them out. Of course, identifying the issues is just the first step. Traditionally (and ineffectively), I would get all introspective and try to examine all the nuances of the issues and try to change (with prayer of course, as any good religious action is done). This time around, I'm focusing on walking in the opposite spirit of my emotions (I believe I wrote about this a few months ago, actually). The Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. I repeat that throughout the day every time I'm confronted with these issues. This means He is fully physically and emotionally present with me, and He's not going anywhere. I can rest in that.
Since taking this stance, I've receive confirmations concerning several things in the next season, and I find myself almost bursting with anticipation. It's funny, when I think about what God is doing, so many things get put into perspective. The issues that held me back, suddenly find purpose, and the pain asssociated with them lose all hold. So regardless of what this next season brings, no matter what turns or obsticles arise, I'm holding on to the one hope of the Lord being with me through it all. Bring it.
...all for now.
I kept telling people that I didn't know what it was all about, and that I wasn't bitter or anything. To my knowledge, I wasn't, but when I quieted myself down for a bit, it turned out that I really was bitter, and hurt, and all sorts of mess. There wasn't one single thing that was bothering me, but a bunch of things together that hadn't bothered me in years.
I think what brought it on is the next season I'm heading into. I don't know anything for certain, but I know there are some big changes coming up, and the common thread throughout all the past issues that were coming up is that they were all a result of big changes. In the past, every time I'd step out for a big change, things would go horribly wrong. Whether it's relationships, school, career focus...anything that affects my whole life, my track record is pretty bad. I think God was confronting these things to keep them from holding me back from moving forward. When I thought about those things, they would stir up feelings of hesitency to go down those same roads again, so they were, in fact, a hindrance.
On the other side of these issues, there was an underlying feeling that I'm going it alone. Of course, it always traces back to my age old rejection/abandonment issues. I can never seem to find the limits of their impact. In careers, it's kept me from fully pursuing a certain field in the fear that one is not the right one, even though I know I'm capable of succeeding in any of them, there's an underlying feeling that if I choose the wrong one, the Lord will not be able to use me fully. In relationships, its kept me from really pursuing any kind if serious relationship in the fear that if I choose the wrong girl then I'd just cause a lot of hurt for no reason. (Note: I'm not necesarily saying that I've passed up opportunities for careers, or relationships, but it's the mentality that is the issue.) In schooling, even though I only have a year left, I've been hesitant to going full time again because God took me out of my last school specifically, so there's an underlying feeling that if I choose the wrong school I'll wind up in the same position.
Of course when I say (or write) any of these things out, it sound ridiculous, but these are the emotional responses that God stirred up in me this past week to clear them out. Of course, identifying the issues is just the first step. Traditionally (and ineffectively), I would get all introspective and try to examine all the nuances of the issues and try to change (with prayer of course, as any good religious action is done). This time around, I'm focusing on walking in the opposite spirit of my emotions (I believe I wrote about this a few months ago, actually). The Lord will never leave me nor forsake me. I repeat that throughout the day every time I'm confronted with these issues. This means He is fully physically and emotionally present with me, and He's not going anywhere. I can rest in that.
Since taking this stance, I've receive confirmations concerning several things in the next season, and I find myself almost bursting with anticipation. It's funny, when I think about what God is doing, so many things get put into perspective. The issues that held me back, suddenly find purpose, and the pain asssociated with them lose all hold. So regardless of what this next season brings, no matter what turns or obsticles arise, I'm holding on to the one hope of the Lord being with me through it all. Bring it.
...all for now.