(no subject)
I just realized something.
Today I've been a mixture of incredibly depressed and bored. What a combination. Now I am finally relaxing in a moment of silence around the house while listening to the Monn cello concerto. A rare concerto, for sure, but I love it. I've listened to a lot of cello stuff today just relax me now, but this piece got me thinking.
Ever since I discovered the Elgar concerto in high school, I would listen to it and the only thing I would imagine in my head was me playing it in front of an audience, with the orchestra behind me... and of course, Dr. Woods conducting (duh!). And now, many concerto discoveries later, as I sit and listen to this one, I realize I still do that. No matter what I'm listening to, the only thing I ever see in my head is a performance. It's like someone just punched me in the face. I have such a horrible fear of performing, but obviously my subconscious wants me to do it. I want to do it. The beginning of the Monn solo part is so majestic and bold, I want to expose that side of myself in front of an audience. It would be so breathtaking. Instead, now I just can't breathe.
I'm taking this as an affirmation that what I'm doing with my life is right, no matter how many times I question it or get frustrated with it.
Tonight I was getting so frustrated with my family and everything that was going on here, I couldn't take it anymore. So I playe Brahms. And it was amazing. Then I played Franck. That was amazing too. Maybe getting so passionate with my frustrations at home makes for amazing music. At home, I'm so easily irritated because there are so many people and everyone's always arguing and rubbing each other the wrong way for ridiculous reasons. So obviously I can't talk to a single person around here. That's when I go to Boris and have my best music making. It makes me wonder why that doesn't happen at school as often as it does here. I suppose i just fall into the mundane routine of things and playing my cello becomes like homework after a while, and the passion turns into stress. Here, now, I can be relaxed and not worry about working on something specific. Then when I want to play, it comes out better than I could have ever imagined.
*Sigh of relief* I feel like I just remembered who I am.
Today I've been a mixture of incredibly depressed and bored. What a combination. Now I am finally relaxing in a moment of silence around the house while listening to the Monn cello concerto. A rare concerto, for sure, but I love it. I've listened to a lot of cello stuff today just relax me now, but this piece got me thinking.
Ever since I discovered the Elgar concerto in high school, I would listen to it and the only thing I would imagine in my head was me playing it in front of an audience, with the orchestra behind me... and of course, Dr. Woods conducting (duh!). And now, many concerto discoveries later, as I sit and listen to this one, I realize I still do that. No matter what I'm listening to, the only thing I ever see in my head is a performance. It's like someone just punched me in the face. I have such a horrible fear of performing, but obviously my subconscious wants me to do it. I want to do it. The beginning of the Monn solo part is so majestic and bold, I want to expose that side of myself in front of an audience. It would be so breathtaking. Instead, now I just can't breathe.
I'm taking this as an affirmation that what I'm doing with my life is right, no matter how many times I question it or get frustrated with it.
Tonight I was getting so frustrated with my family and everything that was going on here, I couldn't take it anymore. So I playe Brahms. And it was amazing. Then I played Franck. That was amazing too. Maybe getting so passionate with my frustrations at home makes for amazing music. At home, I'm so easily irritated because there are so many people and everyone's always arguing and rubbing each other the wrong way for ridiculous reasons. So obviously I can't talk to a single person around here. That's when I go to Boris and have my best music making. It makes me wonder why that doesn't happen at school as often as it does here. I suppose i just fall into the mundane routine of things and playing my cello becomes like homework after a while, and the passion turns into stress. Here, now, I can be relaxed and not worry about working on something specific. Then when I want to play, it comes out better than I could have ever imagined.
*Sigh of relief* I feel like I just remembered who I am.