Staying True
I recently read a book called I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris and decided after reading the book that I just needed to be friends with guys at this point in my life. I have decided to start writing in my journal about some of the things said in the book to remind me of the things that I have learned and to make those things available for any of you who are interested. The book is split up into four parts and so this will be the first of at least four entries about this book. I really enjoyed this book and found it very informative, but this isn’t a book that everyone takes to. I highly recommend that if you do decide to read it that you give it a chance and read the book all the way through with an open mind. If anyone does want to read the book and needs a copy, my book will be available to borrow. Plus if you have any questions or thoughts about any of it please feel free to comment on it and I will do my best to help you out. *warning these journal entries are going to be pretty long Basically what I will be doing is just giving an outline of the main points and keys in each part. The book is full of many real life examples, analogies, similes, and metaphors but I won’t really hit on those. You will need to read the book if you need more elaboration.
Part 1: The Beginning
Most short term relationships are for our own selfish ambitions -we don’t always see how our actions will affect others
One of the most important issue is how much time and energy is put into dating -It doesn’t leave time to pursue God and continue our relationship with him
Need to have “smart love”, so that we aren’t giving into “sentimental gush” -Saying “I love you” when you don’t mean it only to get closeness in a relationship Don’t do things only for your own benefit, real love is not selfish. Selfish relationships only lead to broken hearts and scarred emotions
*7 Habits of Highly Defective Dating
1. Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily commitment
-doesn’t necessarily mean physically because emotionally giving yourself to someone can do similar damage
analogy : “intamacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed towards marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then most dating relationships are pure icing. In most cases, especially in high school, dating is short term, serving the needs of the moment…Intamacy without commitment, like icing without cake, can be sweet, but ends up making you sick”(Harris 33 & 34).
2. Dating tends to skip the “friendship” stage of a relationship
-“Intimacy without commitment is defrauding. Intimacy without friendship is superficial. A relationship based only on physical attraction and romantic feelings will last only as long as the feelings last” (Harris 35).
3. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love
-“Physical involvement can make two people feel close. But if many people in dating relationships, they’d probably discover that all they have in common is lust” (Harris 37).
4. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships
-couples focus on each other and don’t continue all of their other relationships
-at the end of a dating relationship the once couple find that most of their friends have moved along with their lives
- “The exclusive attention so often expected in dating relationships has a tendency to steal people’s passion for serving in the church and to isolate them from the friends who love them most, family members who know them best, and, sadly, even God, whose will is far more important than any romantic interest” (Harris 39).
5. Dating in many cases, distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future
-“Maintaining a relationship takes a lot of time and energy” (Harris 39).
-often when in a relationship you are always talking to each other, spending time together or trying to fix problems which leaves little time for developing your own skill and who you really are
6. Dating can cause discontentment with God’s gift of singleness -“God gives us singleness-a season of our lives unmatched in its boundless opportunities for growth, learning, and service-and we view it as a chance to get bogged down in finding and keeping boyfriends and girlfriends” (Harris 40).
-“Instead of enjoying the unique qualities of singleness, dating causes people to focus on what they don’t have” (Harris 41).
7. Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person’s character -when looking for a mate, one should not try to get away from real life by going on a date
-should instead see the person in real-life settings of family and friends, should watch the person serving and working.
*How to avoid Defective Dating:
The first thing to do is to change your attitude towards relationships
-Ephesians 4:22-24 “…throw off your old evil nature and your former way of life, which is rotten through, full of lust and deception. Instead, there must be a spiritual renewal of your thoughts and attitudes. You must display a new person because you are a new person, created in God’s likeness-righteous, holy and true” (Harris 45).
5 Significant “new attitudes”
1. Every relationship is an opportunity to model Christ’s love
-“The world will know we follow Christ by the way we love others. For this reason, we must practice love as God defines it-sincere, servant-hearted, and selfless-not the world’s brand of selfish and sensual love based on what feels good” (Harris 46).
2. My unmarried years are a gift from God
“Michael is twenty-one years old and has an engaging personality that matches his good looks. As the intern for his church’s youth ministry, he has more than enough opportunities to meet and get to know Christian girls. Although he realizes his potential for mistry as a single and doesn’t feel rushed to get married, he has developed a pattern of dating one girl after another. Although Michael has done nothing immoral, his patter of short-term dating potentially robs him of the flexibility, freedom, and focus of singleness. He still operates from the old dating mind-set that he’s incomplete without a girlfriend.
But when Michael adopts a new attitude that views singleness as a gift, he learns to be content with friendship during the time God wants him to remain single. As a result, Michael can clear his life of the clutter that short-term relationships contribute to his life. With this newly freed time and energy, Michael can pursue more effective ministry and deeper friendships with people of both genders.
Until you realize God’s gift of singleness, you’ll probably miss out on the incredible opportunities it holds. Perhaps even now you can think of an opportunity you could grasp if you let go of the dating mind-set. As a single you have the freedom right now to explore, study, and tackle the world, no other time in your life will offer these chances” (Harris 46-47).
3. Intimacy is the reward of commitment-I don’t need to pursue a romantic relationship before I’m ready for marriage “Jenny is seventeen and has dated a boy from her church for over a year. They’re both strong Christians, and they want to marry each other someday. The ‘someday’ part is the problem-realistically, they can’t get married for quite a few years. Both have specific things to accomplish fro God before they can take that next step.
The old attitude would say that intimacy feels good, so enjoy it now. But the new attitude recognizes that if two people can’t make a commitment to each other, they don’t have any business pursuing a romance. Even though it isn’t easy, Jenny tells her boyfriend that they need to limit the time and energy they invest in each other. Trusting that God can bring them back together if He wills, they halt their progression of intimacy until they can match it with commitment. Though they struggle with the separation, missing the closeness they once enjoyed, they know in the long run-whether they marry each other or someone else-they’ve made the best choice for both of them.
God has made each of us with a desire for intimacy, and He intends to fulfill it. While we’re single He doesn’t’ expect these longings to disappear, but I believe He asks us to have the patience to wait and, in the meantime, seek close relationships with family and deep, non-romantic relationships with brothers and sisters in the Lord.
This doesn’t mean you have to marry the first person with whom you find both romance and intimacy. While I do know some people who have married the first person with whom they developed an intimate, romantic relationship, most of us won’t follow this path. Each of us will probably develop intimate relationships with several people before God clearly indicates who to marry. But we can’t use this reality as an excuse to pursue romance for its own sake. I believe this mind-set is misguided and selfish. If you’re not ready to consider marriage or you’re not truly interested in marrying a specific person, why encourage that person to need you or ask him or her to meet your needs emotionally or physically?”(Harris 47-48).
4. I cannot “own ” someone outside of marriage
5. I will avoid situations that could compromise the purity of my body or mind
-“Where, when and with whom you spend your time reveals your true commitment to purity” (Harris 50).
“God commands us to ‘throw off everything that hinders’ and ‘run with perseverance the marked for us’ (Hebrews 12:1) ” (Harris 51).
“Choosing to quit the dating game doesn’t mean rejecting friendship with the opposite sex, companionship, romance or marriage. We still can pursue these things; we just choose to pursue them on God’s terms and in His time” (Harris 51).
Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Oregon: Multnomah Books Sisters, 1997.