The beauty of the Agreement
Another morning, another round of pills, another new bandage.
Waking up to intense pain was starting to get old. A hasty swipe at the bedside table for his medicine sent the bottle flying. Perfectly labeled orange plastic sailed through the air, crashing on the hard wood floor. Blue and orange caplets scatter violently. Clarke groans, crushing the heel of his hands into his forehead. He sits on the edge of the bed, of her bed, and stares at the floor, at the task he’s now faced with.
Jen has already left for work. She said goodbye to him before she left and promised to call midday. He knows she’ll be good on that promise and he looks forward to her call. It’s almost out of character for both of them. They will never be the couple who argues over who will hang up first. It’s one of Clarke’s favorite parts of their relationship. Like Clarke, Jen simply does not function with that codependency he loathes in so many other people. This does not mean that she does not have a modicum of desperation. She does and so does he. It’s a longing for a feeling as much as a person. It’s healthy honest fuel for loving flirtation. It’s human.
He swallows anger (it’s not worth being angry when you’re really just frustrated) and moves to the floor. It’s an awkward transition but Clarke manages to lie flat enough to scoop up the wayward pills. He powers through, mentally reminding himself that this pain, this dependency on drugs, this helplessness won’t be forever.
Clarke’s goal for the day is conquering pain. Physical pain. Mental pain. Pain he can’t describe. He’s not drowning, no, not yet. Those damn pain pills take the edge off but they aren’t all he needs. He can’t put this all on Jenny, he won’t. He needs to give up to feel better. He needs to give up in that optimistic way that no one wants to say out loud. No one wants to acknowledge that letting go can be constructive. Clarke knows better.
He walks around the townhouse, looking at Jenny’s immense and wonderful collection of photographs. They’re in frames on tables and hanging on the wall. Colonel Jasper Shepard stood proudly in uniform and smiled warmly in plainclothes. He wonders if transitioning between the two worlds was really as simple as changing clothes. Colonel Shepard is commanding either way and it reminds him of Jen. Gibbs, another commanding military man, appears in a photo. The focus is soft, blurring the background but illuminating the lines and creases on Gibbs’s face. It’s a different Gibbs than the one Clarke knows. This man is younger, less concerned. Clarke wonders if one day Jen will tell him the story of this photograph but he’s not sure he needs to know.
He moves on. In a black frame, a woman sits on the front porch with her arms around two little girls. Red hair and green eyes say he’s looking at Jenny and her sister Heather, most likely with their mother. Photographs never tell the whole story but to Clarke they look like a happy family. It strikes him how little he has in common with the people in these photographs. There was no stoop in his family album, no imposing military man. Instead you’d see two little boys with unruly hair and dirty sneakers holding the tired hands of a woman with too much rouge. Instead of an imposing military man you’d see a round-faced man with ruddy cheeks and a potbelly. There was no Gibbs equivalent in Clarke’s life. He would never know what kind of relationship Jen and Gibbs had because he had never had a partner like that. He respected that relationship and generally did not waste time making useless comparisons but he had to wonder. Especially now that he and Jen had gotten as serious as they were. Or as serious as it seemed to Clarke that they were, even if neither of them could easily come to terms with it.
There’s a photograph of Jen and her sister at what must be Heather’s wedding. He sits down nearby to examine it closer but instead to decides to call his brother. He and Tyler had an agreement. They would not emulate bad decisions of their father. They would not be destructive in order to get something out of their systems. They would not ruin relationships with useless arguments. They would not hurt other people when they had an alternative. They would talk to each other before becoming unreasonable or paranoid. They would be each other’s third parties. Tyler had invoked the Agreement before to great success. Clarke had no doubt that purging his system of what he knew was unreasonable anxiety would be a fantastic alternative than letting it all out on Jen and surely making her angry if not pushing her away.
Tyler picks up on the second ring. The unmistakable sound of horns honking and cars screeching in the background makes Clarke miss New York for a hot second.
“How are you feeling?” The background noise subsides all at once. “Sorry, I was walking back from the subway. How’s the townhouse in the sky?”
“It’s the same. Fancy. Comfy. Jenny has all these photographs displayed on the walls and stuff. It’s nice.”
“That’s right, you’re staying with Jenny. “ Clarke could practically feel the smirk from the other end. “Man, I still can’t believe that. You’ve got the hottest boss in the world and you’re WITH her. She’s with you. “
Clarke cut him off before he could continue.. “Is it that weird? I’m a man and she’s a woman. We both live in DC. We have similar interests. We work in the same field.”
“I googled her, Clarke, and she’s impressive. I mean, I always thought you and I were pretty ambitious but she’s on a whole different level. Also, she’s your boss and she’s 20 years older than you. It’s weird.”
“Dude! Don’t Google my girlfriend!” Clarke noticed a photo of Ducky on the table next to him and picked it up. “That makes it unusual. Nothing you said makes it weird. I thought you said she was cool when you met her.”
“Relax,” Tyler says that one word with both authority and assurance. “She was cool. She was kind and she was funny and she was gorgeous. That just adds to the it being weird argument since you’re none of those things.”
“Gee,” Clarke returns the photo to its place. “You are such a good brother. Have I told you that lately?”
“Everyday,” the pop of a soda can interrupts Tyler’s response. “So, what’s really going on?”
“I’m invoking the Agreement.”
There’s a lengthy pause. “Okay. I’ve got a minute. I’ve got to say I’m glad because I don’t like the way you were sounding. You aren’t that guy, you know? You’re usually hopeful not all worried. Let’s talk it out.”
“It’s complicated. Jenny - she’s got history and -”
Tyler laughed, interrupting him. “You just called your own girlfriend old.”
“I did not! I don’t care about her age. “ Clarke glanced at the photograph of Gibbs briefly and sighed. “I did not! I don’t care about her age. “ Clarke glanced at the photograph of Gibbs briefly and sighed. “Before she was director she was a field agent. Her partner now works for her. I mean, I don’t think it was quite that linear but anyway. What do you think it’s like having a partner like that? That person has to have your back all the time, everywhere. You trust them with your life and they trust you with yours. What do you think that trust is like?”
Tyler was caught off guard. “I don’t know. It’s probably kind of scary, right?” It’s not your average co-worker relationship. I’ve never had this kind of situation with someone but I can tell you what I’d think it might be like.”
“I know it’s all speculation.” Clarke was starting to get frustrated with himself. Thank goodness he had such a good brother because this was pretty ridiculous. “Keep going.”
“Alright. I think the ins and outs of one particular partnership will always be incomprehensible to anyone who’s not a part of it. There would be things that no one on Earth other than your partner could relate to because your partner was in the thick of it with you and no one else was. I think there would be things your partner would know about you that no one else does, things you might not have done under ordinary circumstances and all that kind of stuff. In certain ways, I think that person would be part of who you are.”
“Yeah,” Clarke had similar ideas but it all sounded too romantic and that didn’t make him feel much better. Gibbs fit in with the people in the rest of those photographs much more than he did. He knew Gibbs loved her. It would make a lot more sense for her to be with him.
“Clarke?” Tyler interrupted Clarke’s thoughts. “I don’t know what you’re worried about specifically but you need to drop this whole line of thinking. I’m not trying to call her old, I swear, but Jenny is 20 years older than you. She had 20 years of adult life experiences before she even met you. Obviously that means she is going to have important relationships with other people, yeah?”
“Yeah.” Clarke swallowed and ran his hands through his hair. “I respect their relationship. I like that it’s part of who she is. It’s just, there’s love there. I just don’t want to be in the way if he’s who she needs. “
“Alright, that’s logical. The thing is, you don’t get to decide who or what Jenny needs. Jenny gets to decide what Jenny needs. She’s making it obvious enough that you’re important to her.”
“That’s true.”
“Why can’t she need both of you?” Tyler’s voice had an edge. “That’s allowed you know. Most people need lots of people in their life. I know you do.”
“Tyler-“
“No, listen. You’re making me tired. You’re a gracious guy, Clarke. We all love that about you. Just be gracious to this guy and gracious for their relationship, whatever it is. Just keep being you. Otherwise you’re going to drive her nuts and you’ll mess this up and invoke the Agreement again and we’ll be right here again. “
Clark was smiling. Tyler was right and Clarke knew it. The beauty of the Agreement was right here. One brother was being ridiculous. The other brother helped reveal and relieve the ridiculousness. No feelings were hurt or nerves tried. Plus the invoking brother usually ended up in a positive place. That led to a good mood and in turn that led to good consequences, in this case a little less pain and a lot less anxiety.
“This is pretty unattractive isn’t it?” Clarke is laughing. “God, I’m really not this guy.”
“You really, really aren’t. Is it out of your system now?”
“I really think it is.” Clarke hangs his head back, gulping air. He’s relieved.
“You’re going to be okay, Clarke. “
“I am. You know what? I need to slow down a little. This everything about the state of my life right is completely different than it’s ever been before.”
“With the things you can control, slowing down wouldn’t be a bad idea. With everything else just handle it as it comes. You’ve got a good thing going. There’s no need to struggle so much.”
“You’re right. That’s totally and completely right.” Clarke happened to catch a glimpse of the frame behind the picture of Ducky. It was a recent looking picture of Jenny and Heather with their arms around each other in restaurant booth. It genuinely made Clarke smile. “Hey Ty, can you give me a phrase in French? Something to say to Jenny that’s sweet and kind of clever and might make her smile?”