i'm sorry this is so long but if someone could please read and give me advice i would be so thankful
i just got off the phone with my boyfriend. we got in a huge fight over my ~bulimia~
i have this friend, h, who happens to be my best and only friend. h is also bulimic. i always thought we were so much alike and had a lot in common because of it. we share a lot of the same feelings. we both feel alone, depressed, and pretty much inadequate about everything in our everyday lives (insert teenage angst here). its all very dramatic. anyways, d got angry at me because i had told him that i "slipped up" today. (he thinks it is the first time in weeks that i've done it. its not. in fact, i do it almost everyday. which is actually better compared to when i used to do it 3+times a day, everyday) BUT i couldn't tell him that. because then he would know i've been lying to him.
so when i told him i had thrown up, he just fell silent. i knew it would hurt him which is why i refrained from telling him before but tonight was different. i just didn't care. he then asked why i did it. what made me want to throw up after weeks of not doing it. i couldnt tell him that i actually have been doing it and that ive been lying to him this whole time, so i just told him that i had been talking to h and she brought it up and it made me want to do it. lame. i know. completely pathetic. but i didnt know what other excuse i could make.
so then he got on me about my friendship with h. how we enable each other in our disease, how our friendship isn't healthy because we crack jokes about purging all the time, and that we tell ourselves it isn't serious. basically we are shoving each others fingers down our throats. according to him, i'm not a good friend because i'm allowing her to keep going. i'm encouraging her. we are both are. he then told me that if i really care about her, then i need to have a serious conversation with her about what we are doing. and then stop. he's right, but its not that easy.
our friendship is pretty much based upon the fact that we throw up. like i said, we have a lot in common. we are lonely, and we feel that its better to go through this together than it is doing it alone. however, it dosen't go past that. all we really do is talk about food and calories and how much we hate people and hate ourselves and hate life. misery does love company.
but d is right. our friendship is self destructive, but i don't know what else to do about it. i don't want to lose her, and i would feel awful if she was put into the hospital, or god forbid, died. i would be completely responsible. but at the same time, i don't care. i don't want to stop. i can't. its all i have, the only thing i have that i know i can ALWAYS count on to be there. its my dirty little secret. my vice. my coping skill. i dont know what or who i would be without it. everyone or everything that ive ever had has left me. i need this. i need something to hold on to. i'm aware i am completely pathetic and fucked up beyond reason but i just need to hold onto this.
having this fucked up secret completely controls me and defines me as a person. i told this to d and he sounded so hurt i thought he was going to cry. he wants me to help h, but i cant because i cant even help myself. he then told me to get help but i can't do that either.
if i dont have my bulimia, what else do i have? i'm not special. i have no talents. i'm nothing without it. i'll be more alone than i already am.
so he basically told me that if i kept this up then we couldn't be together anymore. he has his own life, things he needs to get accomplished and he cant have me holding him back. am i wrong for thinking that is completely selfish of him? or is it selfish of me to expect him to be there for me no matter what i'm going through? to sacrifice everything we have just because of this stupid fucking disease. i can't decide. i wish i was the girl he so desperately needs and wants. he needs someone who's level headed and has a clear mind. someone who isnt self destructive just for the sake of being self destructive. but i cant be that girl. i love him, but im wondering if i love the thought of self mutilation and affliction more.
its my own sick pleasure, i know. i realize how selfish im being. what do i do? continue down this road and continue to lie to him? or just break it off now before i cause any more hurt? i tried to talk to h about this but she kind of just brushed it off. maybe hes right afte rall and she isnt even a good friend. if thats the case then maybe im more alone than i thought.
i have this friend, h, who happens to be my best and only friend. h is also bulimic. i always thought we were so much alike and had a lot in common because of it. we share a lot of the same feelings. we both feel alone, depressed, and pretty much inadequate about everything in our everyday lives (insert teenage angst here). its all very dramatic. anyways, d got angry at me because i had told him that i "slipped up" today. (he thinks it is the first time in weeks that i've done it. its not. in fact, i do it almost everyday. which is actually better compared to when i used to do it 3+times a day, everyday) BUT i couldn't tell him that. because then he would know i've been lying to him.
so when i told him i had thrown up, he just fell silent. i knew it would hurt him which is why i refrained from telling him before but tonight was different. i just didn't care. he then asked why i did it. what made me want to throw up after weeks of not doing it. i couldnt tell him that i actually have been doing it and that ive been lying to him this whole time, so i just told him that i had been talking to h and she brought it up and it made me want to do it. lame. i know. completely pathetic. but i didnt know what other excuse i could make.
so then he got on me about my friendship with h. how we enable each other in our disease, how our friendship isn't healthy because we crack jokes about purging all the time, and that we tell ourselves it isn't serious. basically we are shoving each others fingers down our throats. according to him, i'm not a good friend because i'm allowing her to keep going. i'm encouraging her. we are both are. he then told me that if i really care about her, then i need to have a serious conversation with her about what we are doing. and then stop. he's right, but its not that easy.
our friendship is pretty much based upon the fact that we throw up. like i said, we have a lot in common. we are lonely, and we feel that its better to go through this together than it is doing it alone. however, it dosen't go past that. all we really do is talk about food and calories and how much we hate people and hate ourselves and hate life. misery does love company.
but d is right. our friendship is self destructive, but i don't know what else to do about it. i don't want to lose her, and i would feel awful if she was put into the hospital, or god forbid, died. i would be completely responsible. but at the same time, i don't care. i don't want to stop. i can't. its all i have, the only thing i have that i know i can ALWAYS count on to be there. its my dirty little secret. my vice. my coping skill. i dont know what or who i would be without it. everyone or everything that ive ever had has left me. i need this. i need something to hold on to. i'm aware i am completely pathetic and fucked up beyond reason but i just need to hold onto this.
having this fucked up secret completely controls me and defines me as a person. i told this to d and he sounded so hurt i thought he was going to cry. he wants me to help h, but i cant because i cant even help myself. he then told me to get help but i can't do that either.
if i dont have my bulimia, what else do i have? i'm not special. i have no talents. i'm nothing without it. i'll be more alone than i already am.
so he basically told me that if i kept this up then we couldn't be together anymore. he has his own life, things he needs to get accomplished and he cant have me holding him back. am i wrong for thinking that is completely selfish of him? or is it selfish of me to expect him to be there for me no matter what i'm going through? to sacrifice everything we have just because of this stupid fucking disease. i can't decide. i wish i was the girl he so desperately needs and wants. he needs someone who's level headed and has a clear mind. someone who isnt self destructive just for the sake of being self destructive. but i cant be that girl. i love him, but im wondering if i love the thought of self mutilation and affliction more.
its my own sick pleasure, i know. i realize how selfish im being. what do i do? continue down this road and continue to lie to him? or just break it off now before i cause any more hurt? i tried to talk to h about this but she kind of just brushed it off. maybe hes right afte rall and she isnt even a good friend. if thats the case then maybe im more alone than i thought.