(no subject)
I'm using this again as a way to doccument my life. So much has changed since i started this journal. I read my old entries and my heart breaks for the girl i used to be. I was so alone, so hurt, so broken. Moving to europe changed my life in a way im so incredibly grateful for. I'm still here. I've moved back and forth between Amsterdam and Berlin since 2012.
I dont know where to start. Currently, i've been in a relationship with this guy which is so difficult to describe. We met at the end of June this year. It started off primarily as a friendship, but quickly evolved into a grey area relationship where for months, we were constantly hooking up, texting, hanging out. Our feelings became more romantic, and after a short break and some heart break, we decided we wanted to be together. We became a couple.
We've discussed the sequence of events that took place multiple times. I was hurt from previous relationships and afraid to get into another one that would fuck up my life like how i felt the other ones did. It takes so much self care and rebuilding after breaking up with a partner. I wanted to learn from my past mistakes, ie: getting into something too fast, blindly jumping into a relationship with someone who wasnt right for me, ignoring warning signs and red flags because i cared about the person, settling into a relationship because i wanted to depend on someone, etc. After months of being careful, being open and honest about my past traumas, facing those very same red flags head on, talking with friends, pushing and pulling this guy away and him still being there for me and loving me in spite of my flaws, and vice versa, i was finally convinced that this could work. And for the most part, it has. Except recently.
He's becoming increasingly jealous and paranoid that i'm cheating on him and lying to him about it. Which i find RIDICULOUS. We are together constantly, i am incredibly loving and loyal, a great girlfriend, caring in ways hes never experienced. He has told me that i'm the love of his life. I have told him that same thing. We've fooled around with the idea of marriage and children (one day, yeah we're in love so its lame whatever), his mother invited me home for christmas, he's coming home with me to la in January, all of my friends know about him, and his friends me, i post photos of him on my social media constantly, etc. But still, hes convinced that pretty much anytime i am not with him and i'm hanging out with a guy friend or acquaintence, i must be engaging in some sort of sexual activity with them. Its wild. I have never lied to him about any aspect of my life. I've been open about my sex work, hanging out with guy friends, past relationships, etc. It still isnt enough.
The first time it happened he asked me if i hooked up with this guy whos in the scene named oscar, which never happened. I told him no and he dropped it. Then a few weeks later an instagram "friend" of mine came to berlin and we met up at a party, i mentioned it to my partner previously, but when we hungout a day or so after the party, he berated me with some questions WHY i never mentioned that friend, aluding to the fact that something MUST HAVE HAPPENED at the party, because it was "weird" i never talked about him. The fact is i never talked about him because his impression was pretty underwhelming and we didnt hangout that much, i was at the party where a friend of mine was djing and i showed up alone and it stayed that way the most of the night, except in the end when my dj friend linnea and that instagram friend and me left the party when it ended. He took an uber to his airbnb and i walked home and slept at Linneas.
But he was convinced something must have happened between us, because not only did i not tell my partner EVERY ASPECT OF THE NIGHT, he looked over my shoulder when i was going through my dms and he saw a message from that guy saying "i wont tell anyone". My partner brought that up, and i thought, "ok fair, hes paranoid and that looks shady, let me show you the messages". WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GETTING FRIED CHICKEN lmao because i'm supposed to be trying to have a more vegetarian diet, and i told him that, and he said "its ok i wont tell anyone". You can see that whole exchange in those messages.
As much as i didnt love the idea of having to advocate for myself and convince my partner im faithful, sometimes people are insecure and they need reassurance. We are human. I am sympathetic to that. It would have been fine if it stopped there but nope. Its been going ON. My partner now has developed an unhealthy fixation on this idea that i'm going behind his back and cheating on him with not only this guy, but other guys as well. I mention that i ran into a guy who just moved to berlin on the street and my partner has this annoying habit of not saying anything, letting his mind run WILD for days and weeks until out of nowhere he berates me with questions "whos that guy you ran into why dont you mention him ever who is he" and its not as if hes asking because of curiosity its because hes already convinced himself that in between RISA and karl marx strasse, i must have sucked some dick.
I've never been in a relationship where i've been more open and transparent with anyone. I've also never been in a relationship where ive been accused of cheating, especially to this extent. Last friday he brought up that he "heard someone in my room" while we were skyping. Which just NEVER happened. I was home alone all day. Him and i were also texting quite alot the week he was gone. He got so paranoid he ended up blocking me. Meanwhile ive been so faithful and loyal to him, convinced him endlessly to the point of pleading and then getting so angry that he didnt believe me even though i PROMISED him. He apologized profusely friday night but then had the audacity to bring it up again yesterday while we had a day out together, that he still doesnt believe me, he cant handle the fact hes spinning stories in his head and there must be some truth.
The truth is, i am innocent. I cannot say it again. I refuse to repeat and plead my innocense any longer. I got so angry yesterday that he wouldnt believe me. Its a slap in the face, problematic that i am somehow incapeable of having platonic male friendships yet hes the exception. Hes surrounded by women. I have never made any accusations of him cheating on me with them, because i am trustworthy and i believe in our relationship. Hes ruining this relationship and i have enough foresight and experience in toxic relationships that i see this as a warning sign. Chronic fingerpointing, story spinning, paranoia, jealousy, mistrust, grudge holding, misogyny, etc. I'm just not down. It hurts because i thought he believed in me more than anyone but hes just like everyone else who has convinced themselves that i am a shitty person. He's just like the rest of them. Self righteous in their own self fulfilling prophecies.
I dont know where to start. Currently, i've been in a relationship with this guy which is so difficult to describe. We met at the end of June this year. It started off primarily as a friendship, but quickly evolved into a grey area relationship where for months, we were constantly hooking up, texting, hanging out. Our feelings became more romantic, and after a short break and some heart break, we decided we wanted to be together. We became a couple.
We've discussed the sequence of events that took place multiple times. I was hurt from previous relationships and afraid to get into another one that would fuck up my life like how i felt the other ones did. It takes so much self care and rebuilding after breaking up with a partner. I wanted to learn from my past mistakes, ie: getting into something too fast, blindly jumping into a relationship with someone who wasnt right for me, ignoring warning signs and red flags because i cared about the person, settling into a relationship because i wanted to depend on someone, etc. After months of being careful, being open and honest about my past traumas, facing those very same red flags head on, talking with friends, pushing and pulling this guy away and him still being there for me and loving me in spite of my flaws, and vice versa, i was finally convinced that this could work. And for the most part, it has. Except recently.
He's becoming increasingly jealous and paranoid that i'm cheating on him and lying to him about it. Which i find RIDICULOUS. We are together constantly, i am incredibly loving and loyal, a great girlfriend, caring in ways hes never experienced. He has told me that i'm the love of his life. I have told him that same thing. We've fooled around with the idea of marriage and children (one day, yeah we're in love so its lame whatever), his mother invited me home for christmas, he's coming home with me to la in January, all of my friends know about him, and his friends me, i post photos of him on my social media constantly, etc. But still, hes convinced that pretty much anytime i am not with him and i'm hanging out with a guy friend or acquaintence, i must be engaging in some sort of sexual activity with them. Its wild. I have never lied to him about any aspect of my life. I've been open about my sex work, hanging out with guy friends, past relationships, etc. It still isnt enough.
The first time it happened he asked me if i hooked up with this guy whos in the scene named oscar, which never happened. I told him no and he dropped it. Then a few weeks later an instagram "friend" of mine came to berlin and we met up at a party, i mentioned it to my partner previously, but when we hungout a day or so after the party, he berated me with some questions WHY i never mentioned that friend, aluding to the fact that something MUST HAVE HAPPENED at the party, because it was "weird" i never talked about him. The fact is i never talked about him because his impression was pretty underwhelming and we didnt hangout that much, i was at the party where a friend of mine was djing and i showed up alone and it stayed that way the most of the night, except in the end when my dj friend linnea and that instagram friend and me left the party when it ended. He took an uber to his airbnb and i walked home and slept at Linneas.
But he was convinced something must have happened between us, because not only did i not tell my partner EVERY ASPECT OF THE NIGHT, he looked over my shoulder when i was going through my dms and he saw a message from that guy saying "i wont tell anyone". My partner brought that up, and i thought, "ok fair, hes paranoid and that looks shady, let me show you the messages". WE WERE TALKING ABOUT GETTING FRIED CHICKEN lmao because i'm supposed to be trying to have a more vegetarian diet, and i told him that, and he said "its ok i wont tell anyone". You can see that whole exchange in those messages.
As much as i didnt love the idea of having to advocate for myself and convince my partner im faithful, sometimes people are insecure and they need reassurance. We are human. I am sympathetic to that. It would have been fine if it stopped there but nope. Its been going ON. My partner now has developed an unhealthy fixation on this idea that i'm going behind his back and cheating on him with not only this guy, but other guys as well. I mention that i ran into a guy who just moved to berlin on the street and my partner has this annoying habit of not saying anything, letting his mind run WILD for days and weeks until out of nowhere he berates me with questions "whos that guy you ran into why dont you mention him ever who is he" and its not as if hes asking because of curiosity its because hes already convinced himself that in between RISA and karl marx strasse, i must have sucked some dick.
I've never been in a relationship where i've been more open and transparent with anyone. I've also never been in a relationship where ive been accused of cheating, especially to this extent. Last friday he brought up that he "heard someone in my room" while we were skyping. Which just NEVER happened. I was home alone all day. Him and i were also texting quite alot the week he was gone. He got so paranoid he ended up blocking me. Meanwhile ive been so faithful and loyal to him, convinced him endlessly to the point of pleading and then getting so angry that he didnt believe me even though i PROMISED him. He apologized profusely friday night but then had the audacity to bring it up again yesterday while we had a day out together, that he still doesnt believe me, he cant handle the fact hes spinning stories in his head and there must be some truth.
The truth is, i am innocent. I cannot say it again. I refuse to repeat and plead my innocense any longer. I got so angry yesterday that he wouldnt believe me. Its a slap in the face, problematic that i am somehow incapeable of having platonic male friendships yet hes the exception. Hes surrounded by women. I have never made any accusations of him cheating on me with them, because i am trustworthy and i believe in our relationship. Hes ruining this relationship and i have enough foresight and experience in toxic relationships that i see this as a warning sign. Chronic fingerpointing, story spinning, paranoia, jealousy, mistrust, grudge holding, misogyny, etc. I'm just not down. It hurts because i thought he believed in me more than anyone but hes just like everyone else who has convinced themselves that i am a shitty person. He's just like the rest of them. Self righteous in their own self fulfilling prophecies.