aha!
I have had several significant realizations lately. They have been things I have been thinking about for a while, some longer than others, but it all hit me last week. It was a major kick in the face from life that I wasn't quite ready for, but it has been good for me.
The first is that I put too much emphasis on chasing dreams that may not be my own. I have been afraid to dream of big things for myself as long as I can remember. I have always been concerned about watching out for someone else or needing to be somewhere because someone might need me. I have missed opportunities and wasted time on relationships that have left me feeling empty. Empty is never a good feeling. No one deserves to feel that way. And I needed to do some major soul-searching to understand that I can be loving and have friendships without feeling like I must sacrifice my future for whatever the friend wants. This may seem incredibly vague to anyone who reads this, but I don't really want to delve into the logistics of each situation. Let's just say that it's taken a while to finally be able to look at my life and see possibility, not stagnancy (I'm not sure if that's a word, but you get the idea- it's what I want to say, so deal). And while I am finally ok with not feeling that I need to drop all things in my life to be there for friends, I also know that sometimes doing that can be the most important thing. The key to all of it is balance. This is not revolutionary thought here. But it's finally been understood not only by my brain, but also by my heart lately. And that seems to be the trickiest part. So, I'm dreaming big. And changes are coming. I'm excited.
Another realization is that love is something worth experiencing in all of its forms. I have had several friends who have recently been dealing with sticky relationship situations because there are no defined lines, no-strings-attached. But the moment we believe we can truly do that and that it is not detrimental is the moment we miss the original intention for all relationships, platonic or not, which is to learn to love each other. Love means a million things, but I think it all boils down to the basic idea that love results in growth. Love means being honest, even when it is difficult, or, perhaps, especially when it's difficult. Love means taking time away from expectations to listen and hear someone's heart. Yet love also requires a sense of self-understanding and strength. The moment that loving someone means that you are constantly finding fault in yourself and correcting it by fighting to be in that relationship is the moment when you are not loving yourself. We must all begin to learn what authentic love is. I believe this begins with the Creator. But I experience this most clearly in the relationships with the people around me. This may mean walking away from relationships that fail to add positive things to my life. I hate throwing my hands in the air in frustration because I feel like my efforts return little reward and I really do not like to accept failure. Who does? But loving myself lately has meant that I have had to set boundaries and accept that my maturity cannot compensate for another's lacking. It's been hard. When Dianne died it made me want to spend every moment trying to make sure that all relationships were heading somewhere positive. But that's only possible when both people are willing to work at it. This isn't always the case (another not-so-mind-blowing idea that I have really understood lately). I'm learning what I want, mostly from experiences with what I don't want, and it's helped me to feel more secure in myself and my life's direction. Slowly but surely I am getting there.
The last is that I am a pretty cool person. I say this not so sound conceited or over-confident, because I don't see myself that way at all. In fact, usually I'm pretty self-conscious and too critical of myself. But I want to walk around with my shoulders back and my head high, knowing that I am worth the effort. I am not just some side-dish. I've got a lot to offer and I deserve someone who sees that. And I want someone who is more than an extra in my life. I need someone to stir things up and to help me to see the world in a new way. I'm not sure where or when I'll find this man, but I am patient. I don't need to fill my heart and life with frivolity, meaningless interactions, and empty words. Those things can be fun for a while, but the luster quickly fades because there is no authenticity in it. I know I deserve what is real. We all do.
There were and are many more things of which I've been thinking, but those are the biggest realizations I have made. Like I said, I'm not re-inventing the wheel or anything, but it's one thing to say something and it's another thing to be able to really believe it.
The first is that I put too much emphasis on chasing dreams that may not be my own. I have been afraid to dream of big things for myself as long as I can remember. I have always been concerned about watching out for someone else or needing to be somewhere because someone might need me. I have missed opportunities and wasted time on relationships that have left me feeling empty. Empty is never a good feeling. No one deserves to feel that way. And I needed to do some major soul-searching to understand that I can be loving and have friendships without feeling like I must sacrifice my future for whatever the friend wants. This may seem incredibly vague to anyone who reads this, but I don't really want to delve into the logistics of each situation. Let's just say that it's taken a while to finally be able to look at my life and see possibility, not stagnancy (I'm not sure if that's a word, but you get the idea- it's what I want to say, so deal). And while I am finally ok with not feeling that I need to drop all things in my life to be there for friends, I also know that sometimes doing that can be the most important thing. The key to all of it is balance. This is not revolutionary thought here. But it's finally been understood not only by my brain, but also by my heart lately. And that seems to be the trickiest part. So, I'm dreaming big. And changes are coming. I'm excited.
Another realization is that love is something worth experiencing in all of its forms. I have had several friends who have recently been dealing with sticky relationship situations because there are no defined lines, no-strings-attached. But the moment we believe we can truly do that and that it is not detrimental is the moment we miss the original intention for all relationships, platonic or not, which is to learn to love each other. Love means a million things, but I think it all boils down to the basic idea that love results in growth. Love means being honest, even when it is difficult, or, perhaps, especially when it's difficult. Love means taking time away from expectations to listen and hear someone's heart. Yet love also requires a sense of self-understanding and strength. The moment that loving someone means that you are constantly finding fault in yourself and correcting it by fighting to be in that relationship is the moment when you are not loving yourself. We must all begin to learn what authentic love is. I believe this begins with the Creator. But I experience this most clearly in the relationships with the people around me. This may mean walking away from relationships that fail to add positive things to my life. I hate throwing my hands in the air in frustration because I feel like my efforts return little reward and I really do not like to accept failure. Who does? But loving myself lately has meant that I have had to set boundaries and accept that my maturity cannot compensate for another's lacking. It's been hard. When Dianne died it made me want to spend every moment trying to make sure that all relationships were heading somewhere positive. But that's only possible when both people are willing to work at it. This isn't always the case (another not-so-mind-blowing idea that I have really understood lately). I'm learning what I want, mostly from experiences with what I don't want, and it's helped me to feel more secure in myself and my life's direction. Slowly but surely I am getting there.
The last is that I am a pretty cool person. I say this not so sound conceited or over-confident, because I don't see myself that way at all. In fact, usually I'm pretty self-conscious and too critical of myself. But I want to walk around with my shoulders back and my head high, knowing that I am worth the effort. I am not just some side-dish. I've got a lot to offer and I deserve someone who sees that. And I want someone who is more than an extra in my life. I need someone to stir things up and to help me to see the world in a new way. I'm not sure where or when I'll find this man, but I am patient. I don't need to fill my heart and life with frivolity, meaningless interactions, and empty words. Those things can be fun for a while, but the luster quickly fades because there is no authenticity in it. I know I deserve what is real. We all do.
There were and are many more things of which I've been thinking, but those are the biggest realizations I have made. Like I said, I'm not re-inventing the wheel or anything, but it's one thing to say something and it's another thing to be able to really believe it.