real crazy here right now
It feels like ages since ive been on here. Well it actually has cos like the title says, things have been crazy. And right now i feel like i wanna burst into tears. Im at my breaking point. Let me explain.
2 weeks ago dad went into hospital. He had real bad fluid build up in his legs and starting in his stomach. The doctor put him on heaps of different medications, and he just got worse. so he went in and over the course of a week they drained the fluid. I went to pick him up last monday and he was so skinny and gaunt. It was scary. i couldnt look at him for fear of crying. And i could tell that when i took him into hospital , he didnt want me seeing him like this.
While he was in hospital, i had to take care of his side of the business. all the computer work, deliveries, returns etc. Its hard work. Anywho just as he was starting to get better, he got worse. He couldnt do the paper run, so we have had relief people doing it, which means there is chaos cos people r getting wrong / no papers. Today he went back in to hospital and had another doctor look at him. See the thing is, its not just the fluid build up. its all a mixture of the following.
40 years of alcohol abuse
depression
pcierosis (sp?) of the liver (due to drinking)
dehydration (from nausea and not eating)
and there r probably other things that are wrong, but the doctors havent seen them yet. The doctor he has is a total fuckwit. he mis-diagnosed my mum ovarian cancer as a urinary tract infection, 5 years ago. he got a different doctor today, so hopefully she will see something. I have been doing 50 hour weeks. driven over 1000 kilometres in my car in the last 2 weeks. the only reason i know its cos the trip metre ticked back over to zero just after i started. The thing is i have never seen my dad like this. And it scares me, cos I KNOW (and i know it sounds bad) but i know that it wont be long til im saying goodbye. Im trying to prepare myself for that. And now our relief driver tells us that he is going away for 10 days on friday and we have nobody to deliver the papers after he has gone. my brother cant get time off work. our house has gone ot shit. its all so depressing. BUT one of the hardest things is...........when things get like this, i try to draw an inspiration from somewhere. Something / someone that i can look up to. I cant find anything this time. Nothing to give me strength. I feel so scared and alone. One of the few people i looked up to, i lost faith in cos i found out he was a complete arsewipe.
We are trying to get the round up for sale. but dad has been so totally slack on the paper work everything is in a mess. And guess who has to sort it out? ME! I odntk now the programme, i cant do everything. I also cant deal with customers ringing up abusing me either. Once i tell them dad is hospital, they ask whats wrong. i cant tell them he is a pathetic alcoholic who is dying.
i have no stength......i have no faith......i am starting to lose my hope.....
we are supposed to be going to a wedding in melbourne on the 6th of january. Dad was gonna stay home and do the work. How the hell are we gonna manage that? if he cant do the computer work......
i just need something
so if u think im never on here, this is why. Ive even had to stop playing netball cos i dont have time. not that its bothering me atm, cos a couple of the girls were starting to give me the shits, and i was starting to lose interest.
somebody please help me.
2 weeks ago dad went into hospital. He had real bad fluid build up in his legs and starting in his stomach. The doctor put him on heaps of different medications, and he just got worse. so he went in and over the course of a week they drained the fluid. I went to pick him up last monday and he was so skinny and gaunt. It was scary. i couldnt look at him for fear of crying. And i could tell that when i took him into hospital , he didnt want me seeing him like this.
While he was in hospital, i had to take care of his side of the business. all the computer work, deliveries, returns etc. Its hard work. Anywho just as he was starting to get better, he got worse. He couldnt do the paper run, so we have had relief people doing it, which means there is chaos cos people r getting wrong / no papers. Today he went back in to hospital and had another doctor look at him. See the thing is, its not just the fluid build up. its all a mixture of the following.
40 years of alcohol abuse
depression
pcierosis (sp?) of the liver (due to drinking)
dehydration (from nausea and not eating)
and there r probably other things that are wrong, but the doctors havent seen them yet. The doctor he has is a total fuckwit. he mis-diagnosed my mum ovarian cancer as a urinary tract infection, 5 years ago. he got a different doctor today, so hopefully she will see something. I have been doing 50 hour weeks. driven over 1000 kilometres in my car in the last 2 weeks. the only reason i know its cos the trip metre ticked back over to zero just after i started. The thing is i have never seen my dad like this. And it scares me, cos I KNOW (and i know it sounds bad) but i know that it wont be long til im saying goodbye. Im trying to prepare myself for that. And now our relief driver tells us that he is going away for 10 days on friday and we have nobody to deliver the papers after he has gone. my brother cant get time off work. our house has gone ot shit. its all so depressing. BUT one of the hardest things is...........when things get like this, i try to draw an inspiration from somewhere. Something / someone that i can look up to. I cant find anything this time. Nothing to give me strength. I feel so scared and alone. One of the few people i looked up to, i lost faith in cos i found out he was a complete arsewipe.
We are trying to get the round up for sale. but dad has been so totally slack on the paper work everything is in a mess. And guess who has to sort it out? ME! I odntk now the programme, i cant do everything. I also cant deal with customers ringing up abusing me either. Once i tell them dad is hospital, they ask whats wrong. i cant tell them he is a pathetic alcoholic who is dying.
i have no stength......i have no faith......i am starting to lose my hope.....
we are supposed to be going to a wedding in melbourne on the 6th of january. Dad was gonna stay home and do the work. How the hell are we gonna manage that? if he cant do the computer work......
i just need something
so if u think im never on here, this is why. Ive even had to stop playing netball cos i dont have time. not that its bothering me atm, cos a couple of the girls were starting to give me the shits, and i was starting to lose interest.
somebody please help me.