(no subject)

[cemeteryman]

how much regret can one human being pack into a lifetime? i think the answer is probably frightening. if i don't change something soon i believe i'm going to find out. it would be nice to think that karma existed. surely if it did the latter part of my life will be like an ecstatic party with gushing rivers of wine and unfettered outpourings of love and joy from all sides. i would never be lonely again and disappointment would be a foreign concept. karma is bullshit though, or at least it doesn't work like that, and if it doesn't whats the point? karma only really works if one believes in the cycle of death and rebirth, if one assumes that reincarnation is as much a part of existence as death. only under that assumption can karma be believable, as our karmic rewards can be looked forward to in the next life. a miserable life of virtue will be rewarded with a happy next life. either that or the whole karmic system is upside down. i've sat and watched my entire life as good people suffered while bad people lived easily. the only way to really have an easy life is to be selfish and fucked up and put yourself above all others. put others first, try to be good and fair and decent, and you will wallow in misery and watch others excel when they should instead be suffering at the hands of their own karma. a clean conscience is worth something i guess, but is it really worth all the suffering? i don't know. i'm a good person because i have no choice, its my nature, i don't have the heart to be a bastard. and i suffer for it. and i'm tired.
i can't wait till i'm off probabation and can smoke some fucking weed. self medication is a beautiful thing.