there's nothing i think about more often than this.

[cementpours_us]

my dad spent a majority of the afternoon trying to defend his deck from carpenter bees by swatting every one of them with a metal spatula. there's something i love about this place, and i don't feel like i'm wasting a weekend i could be spending with my freinds. i enjoy sitting here, doing nothing, and listening to the ducks and the geese and the wierd bugs drown out the cars on the highway out front. edward bashes me quite frequently for living in hunterdon (and i do take it lightly), but i can sit on this deck in the afternoon, reading a shitty book for school, and actually rather be there than anywhere else.

and dad and i can sit there without talking and without it feeling awkward. i don't know if that's what love really is but i think it might be. i feel the same way with susan and erik and i think i've come to love the both of them as i would my own family. i keep secrets from both--but more from my parents. it kills me more than anything because i don't just want to let them in my life, i want them to be a part of it. it's just that i'm afraid if i tell them what i've been holding back, if i invite them, they'll decline. so we teeter on the boundaries of whatever love is while still feeling entirely submerged. and i'm just not sure if i can live the rest of my life with an incomplete definition of love:

"<3"

so i'm always weighing my options.