slice of reality ...of life
So this a recent reply to a letter of how I am doing. I changed the names to one letter for their anonymity(sp?).
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well. he blew up at at me and told me to back off. so i decided to give him all the room he so desperately wanted. he has called. i missed the call due to my sleep schedule that has been so out of whack. I got his voicemail. I'm not to sure how to deal with it. Unfortunately, part of what i've observed that goes wrong with his relationships is he 1. Doesn't realize what he is saying most of the time. 2. Or just how he is saying things. 3. To me, it seems like he has a very hard time seeing things from someone else's shoes.(all learned skills) So people misinterpret his intentions, he misinterprets others' intentions and all sides get hurt. He tries to fix issue, but with the misunderstanding variables in place, things get worse...emotions flare and get raw...etc.
I can no longer physically or emotionally deal with most things. For weeks I have been fighting off mystery abdominal pains that my doctor is trying to figure out. Basic blood work and ultrasound turned up nothing. I know a huge part of it is rooted in having too much constant daily stresses. I'm totally broke, my home life is a mess, family isn't helping, my closest friends keep leaving me (mainly for the war, which equals loss of them geographically here and worry because where they are and what they may come back like i.e PTSD), friends that do notice seem to be powerless to do anything, One that offer help I don't know how to use their help, my work is flat-lined, I'm constantly having "Sorry, if you were just a littel sooner" happen, the holidays have lost all cheer and feel bleak and transparent.
SO i had to shut down that part of me related to him, for survival reasons. Just too painful. The brutal truth is I had leaned on him. And he stepped away/back. His military choice blind-sited me. Unfortunately for me, he was needed to be preoccupied with his life and "B". I don't fault him for focusing and dealing with his own life and marriage, he should of. He didn't realized what he had done to me until it was too late. He has apologized and admitted that the military was selfish move. The reality is what it is. Me relying on him was foolish and just my usual bad timing. Which is the story of my life. Reality is, he's not the first person, nor the most recent either, whom I commit a sizable amount of time and effort into building a friendship, and allow myself to trust them to a high level; only to have them essentially go "POOF" on me. I've been too trusting in the past, but not any more. People have to earn my trust and it will be damn difficult to do so. A thousand more walls to climb and a thousand more doors to open, a thousand more masks to sort though.
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So yeah...
~~2RS~~