EPIC FAIL: The Slouchy Beret
Waaay back around last December, I started to notice that slouchy berets were everywhere. Thick ones, thin ones, tweedy ones, stripey ones. Ones with a little slouch and ones that looked so slouchy you could carry groceries home on the back of your head. I admired them in stores, on Flickr and in blog posts. I wished for one of my very own. I looked up several different knitting patterns and started, then ripped out a few. I tried them on whenever I found them. And I came to the conclusion that I just cannot manage the slouchy beret.
My sister did not believe me when I said I just could not manage the slouchy beret. So I took her out shopping and I tried on the first slouchy beret we found.
A certain look crossed her face. "Um, maybe you're doing it wrong."
"I suppose...should I put it farther back? Then it falls off."
"Uhh..." she fussed with the hat, stepped back to look, fussed again, stepped back again. She rearranged it six times before suggesting that maybe we needed a different weight of slouchy beret than this one, maybe a thick slubby one would work, or perhaps a lightweight lacy one.
We went through the mall and I tried every slouchy beret I found, all with the same result. Neither of us could put our finger on the reason, but they were just NOT working. Lack of bangs? Hat too far forward? Too far back? Nose too big? Forehead too big? Hipster sense of entitlement to be wearing a beret too small?
At this point in my story, I would like to tell you that my husband objects to the word "slouchy." He says he doesn't know why, but he just can't like slouchy berets because they are called that. I asked him to come up with a better descriptive word for what those sort of hats do when perched on one's head, but he had to admit that yes, they slouch. He still doesn't like the word. Anyway, he didn’t believe me, either, until I tried one on for him.
That same look crossed his face. “Uhh…I don’t think…um, I mean…maybe another kind of hat would be better…” It was sweet, how he was trying to find a polite way to say dear Lord, woman, you look ridiculous, take that silly-looking thing off your head.
I just can't do it. I cannot wear a slouchy beret. Whatever the reason, I am forced to gaze longingly at the $10 slouchy berets in Target, unable to buy one and take it home.
