First Time Fic: I Will Follow You X/S Meta Schmoop
Author: CelticSeductres
Title: I Will Follow You
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: G
Feedback: Please! First time poster so I’d like to hear all I can
Disclaimer: I don’t claim rights to the boys or to the ‘verse but OH if I did…
Warnings/Squicks: None well it’s a bit fluffy, a bit meta and a song inspired fic but nothing bad… I hope
Summary: Xan and Spike and their first deep conversation
Notes: Inspired by Death Cab for Cutie’s “I Will Follow You Into the Dark”. My husband introduced it to me being the cutie romantic he is and all I could think of was this. I never considered myself a writer, so I whore myself out as a beta but I just couldn’t shake this
Beta(s): Huge thanks to sublimatedangel and btvslover82 for their time and encouragement. Much appreciated ladies.
Song can be found here
“Do you believe in God, Spike?”
Spike looked down at the brunet cuddled up against his side, head resting on an unbeating heart. He tried to discern from the tone of his lover’s voice why he would disturb the afterglow of a truly spectacular shag to go all metaphysical on him.
“What are you on about, pet?”
Xander shrugged, his fingers tracing idle shapes on the vampire’s chest. “Just asking.”
Spike let out a rather unattractive snort; it was a frankly pathetic attempt at nonchalance but he had to give the boy points for trying. “Love, you are never just asking. What’s going on inside that devilishly handsome, albeit unfathomable head of yours?”
Xander was quiet for a few moments, pike could almost believe he had dozed off if it weren’t for what his lover would call ‘a tremor in the force’ that insisted something was weighing on his love’s mind.
“What will you do when I’m gone?”
Spike was frankly gobsmacked. Oh, he knew Xander held deeper thoughts than anyone ever gave him credit for, but not once in the time they’d been together had any topic this sober and serious been spoken of between the two. Spike didn’t know whether to be ecstatic or scared silly. However, a serious and straightforward question such as this required and equally serious and honest answer.
“The day you are no longer in this world, I get to see my first sunrise in over a hundred years, pet.”
Xander rose to his elbow, snatching Spike’s hand in a strong grip. “Spike, no! I’m mortal. I’m meant to die. You-! You’re immortal. I like the idea that there will always be a Spike; a William the Bloody Obnoxious in the world.”
He put two of his fingers under Xander’s chin and forced those warm chocolate eyes to meet his clear studious gaze. Spike was insistent but spoke evenly and softly, as if the gravity of this conversation was no different than a couple compiling their weekly grocery list.
“I’m old Xander, and bloody jaded to this world. There’s nothing I haven’t done, seen, killed, or eaten. Until you came along, there was nothing left I wanted to do and precious little kept me going. Then there was you… and I got to see through new eyes. You helped me see new sides to the old, I got to experience it all in a different light with you. This last half year has been the best of my life, breathing or no. Without you, there’s nothing left for me to experience… or want to experience. So when you move on to the next big adventure… well, I’ll follow you and we can do that together too.”
There was a shine to Xander’s eyes as he fought the raw sentimentality Spike’s words awoke in him. He smiled, blinked back the tears and threaded his fingers through Spike’s. Dropping his head he placed a soft, sweet kiss on Spike’s lips.
Spike parted his lips and moved in to deepen the kiss when Xander’s heartbeat sped up, and not in the happy way. Inwardly sighing, he pulled back and again searched his lover’s eyes for the source of his discontent.
“Now what, pet?”
For all his upset, Xander blushed so prettily it was all Spike could do not to lower him back to the bed and ravish him ‘til all thoughts of their future inevitable separation were far from their minds.
Sadly, he couldn’t do that; Xander was trying to do the whole heart to heart, and as much as that pained him, Spike did just say he was trying new things. Sometimes turning over a new leaf wasn’t always a barrel of monkeys.
“Promise not to laugh.”
“I would never laugh at something that’s managed to get you so worked up. Now what is it?”
Xander sat up in their bed, crossed his legs Indian style and fidgeted with the corner of the blanket. “So… you know my folks weren’t terribly religious. We never went to church except once or twice and that was usually about them mistaking communion for happy hour… But when we were younger I would sometimes go to synagogue with Willow or church with my friend Jesse’s family.”
Spike nodded for him to continue, having no idea where this was going. A crisis of faith? That’s what this was about? No, he just couldn’t see it. Xander couldn’t stay awake through Giles’ Scooby meeting lectures, the boy would never make it through a preacher’s sermon.
Xander continued, ”The Jewish faith doesn’t seem to worry too much about heaven or hell, but the church Jesse went to seemed to thrive on the concept. Who was good, who was bad, what you could do, what you couldn’t, who was forgiven and what they had to do to get it. Confession and repentance. The crapshoot that was your eternity after you died.”
Spike nodded. “I grew up in the Chuch of England, luv, I remember the sermons.”
Xander nodded, still picking at invisible lint balls on the comforter, not raising his eyes. “So are you afraid? Of where you may end up?”
If Xander had suddenly sprouted wings and crowned himself Queen of England he couldn’t have been more surprised. He was sure his mouth was hanging open and quickly ran his hand over the lower half of his face just to check. Nope, jaw still properly off the floor. Slowly sliding his hand to rub the back of his neck, he tried to string his thoughts together.
Honestly, yes, he was petrified. When he first got his soul it was all he could think about. Had the demon tainted his soul with the handreds upon hundreds of innocent lives taken? Did it count that the soul was gone when the body it belonged to was taken over by pure evil? Could he repent and call for mercy? Could the good that he’d done since joining the Slayer and her merry bunch of white hats put some numbers back in the plus column, or at least erase one or two of the minuses? Could this myth called redemption that Angel fought for so diligently be available to him as well?
All constant thoughts at the beginning, but since then… Since then he had come to a conclusion.
He wasn’t Angel. It wasn’t earth shattering, but there it was. One simple single truth. He had, in the end, been able to separate what the demon had done and what the soul was doing now. Yes, he still felt guilt at what had been done. He occasionally woke in the middle of the night with sweats and the shakes, crying out to the him of the past, ashamed and horrified at the evil, destructive things done to others for the mere pleasure of it. He hadn’t been a good man, and if he was honest with himself, was still far from perfect, possibly only even remotely decent on his best day, but he was okay with that. He was what he was. A vampire who happened to also have a soul. The two were not mutually exclusive these days. And since he’d been with Xander, the issue had become less and less important.
With Xander, he was simply Spike. Friend, lover, and companion. Annoyingly overprotective - or so he’d been told - he was a blanket hog, smoked too much, was abrasive and indiscreet and swore so creatively that it made seasoned sailors blush. On the other hand, he was honest to a fault, never candy coated anything. On several occasions Xander had confided no one had ever been so direct with him and it made him feel grown up and important.
He was loving and affectionate. He was intelligient. Xander told him that, had Buffy not confided in his past as a shy Victorian poet Xander never would have thought him capable of such an understanding of literature and language. Slowly over the course of their friendship and eventual romance, Xander had discovered that Spike was fluent in over 8 human and 12 demon languages. When pressed about the issue Spike had admitted that on top of that he was passably proficient in about 10 others. Xander has simply beamed with pride, “I’m in love with a brain. Who’d have thunk it?”
Above all, Spike smirked proudly, Xander claimed he was a fabulous lover. Several times grudgingly sending thanks to his over a hundred years experience with Dru and Angelus. Insisting that as long as the benefits were his he could put aside his jealous tendencies when it came to the other two brunet vampires.
Spike didn’t know about all that. He was just Spike. William. He was what Xander saw in him. And he was okay with that - after all, Xander was his everything too.
After a few silent moments spent sorting through his thoughts Spike addressed Xander’s question. “Pet… I’m a vampire. I’ve got a soul in me but a demon too. Perhaps the two cancel each other out and maybe leniency will be granted by whatever power you subscribe to, but to me it all comes down to one thing. You.”
Xander raised his eyes finally, a questioning look etched in his still-youthful and always beautiful face. Spike cupped his hand along the curve of his face and said, “I could be given a first class ticket the right hand of God Himself, but if you weren’t there, I’d cash it and fly coach to hell.”
Xander chuckled softly, “Careful, your poet is showing, you great romantic you.”
Spike smiled indulgently and kissed him on the forehead. “You’re a right nutter, love. Start a serious conversation with a bloke, then take the piss out of him when he tries to be serious.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry.” Xander flopped back down on his back. “I just don’t like the subject. Actually, feeling like I could kick myself for bringing it up.”
Spike leaned down and brushed away a stray lock of hair that Xander was furiously trying to blow out of his eyes. He smiled warmly. “I’m not afraid of heaven or of hell, luv. I’m afraid of not having you. Wherever you go, I will follow. If hell doesn’t want you and heaven won’t have me, we’ll wander the darkness alone together.”
Xander again looked like he was going to cry. His hand drifted to Spike’s face and a finger traced his bottom lip as he smiled. “I can’t see in the dark.”
Spike smiled, his blue eyes dancing brilliantly. “Well then, that’ll work a peach, luv. Vampire, here. Got excellent night vision. I’ll just have to hold your hand so you can’t stumble over anything.”
Xander pulled Spike down against him, turning him so they spooned tightly, Spike’s back against his much broader chest. Wrapping his arms around his undead lover, he took Spike’s hand, pressing it palm to palm with his own, comparing the sizes. “Hmmm… Eternity. Holding hands in the dark with you.” Spike could hear the smile in his voice, but also heard the yawn as he announced his decision. ”I think I could handle that.”
Spike smiled and kissed what part of Xander’s arm he could reach and petted his boy. “That’s what I’m saying, pet. Heaven, hell, or earthbound forever… doesn’t matter to me as long as I’m with you.”
Spike let out a low rumbling purr as he felt Xander slip off to sleep. It never occurred to him to question where he would end up, if asked before he would have assuredly answered hell and been done with it. Since Xander thought he realized there was a lot of life left for the both of them. Maybe he’d find out a way to guarantee himself a place in heaven… but right now heaven was in his boys arms, holding his hand in the dark.
I Will Follow You Into The Dark- Death Cab for Cutie
Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark