i won't be held responsible she fell in love in the first place!

[celticlovecross]

let me preface this by saying i am a very hurt and angry person, when you peel away the layers:  the poetry, the depression, the neurotic and overly amorous tendencies.  people suck, and i can't reconcile why or how i love certain ones so much.  i am angry at the world in general, and i pretty much hate the human race in particular.  this is NOT

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[hematite_cross]

I don't know where I got it from, where my mind came up with it. Probably from books and movies, where even when things are messed up, it's still a shining world. Friends defined: people who will be there for you. Sounds so simple, so right.

And yet it's a lie.

How many times does a friend claim they will be there? If you need me...

But it's only true so long as you don't need too much, too often, too inconveniently, too intently, too casually... the list goes on and on.

They don't mean to lie. They want to define friendship by those words. I'll be there for you. But life gets in the way. Things to do. Not in the mood. Someone else will cover this one. "I've got to focus on me right now."

Nothing wrong with that per se. A person has to focus on themselves first, for the most part (babies/children exceptions). When it comes down to it, a person is responsible for his or herself. No one else is. So it is proper and right to focus on doing what is needed for the self.

Only we are told that is selfish. And it certainly feels damn selfish when such keeps others from us in our time of need. Especially if we are too generous. If we give too much of ourselves to others. Because part of us wants, needs that giving right back. We've given so much as to leave a void behind. So resentment. "I'm there for them, why aren't they there for me?" Insecurity. Depression.

And they say they care. They say they don't want you to feel that way. But it's so hard to believe when they keep not doing what you need to help break the cycle.

But they never will. Not consistently. Not unless they have their own fucked up issues that will end up dragging you down in a cycle of co-dependency rather than really pulling you out.

You can really only depend on yourself.

But the funny thing. The ironic thing. Once you do depend on yourself. Once you do take care of yourself. Then, suddenly, they are there. Really there. And you have what you need from outside of yourself as well as from within.

Maybe the independence is attractive? I don't know. But it does seem that the people who need support the least are the ones who have it at their beck and call.

I'm babbling. Nonsense or thoughts. Hard to tell. Anyway. Take care of yourself.

[celticlovecross]

you just said everything in my head. all i constantly agonize over and come up with no conclusions. you just read me like a book, or i read a book about myself. thank you for putting a voice to my character. she doesn't want pity, just a *nod* in all the right places. if "one person's junk is another one's treasure," then one person's nonsense makes perfect sense to another.