...
So... i've left my journal in the dark for the past month or so. weeeelll. much has happened. I had one of the best weekends of my life, filled with actual genuine happiness (something i have not felt for an extremely long time) followed by a week of misery, self-doubt, and utter shit. and while i was all ready to rant and rave and complain and feel guilty and depressed like i normally do on my journal, i say "fuck it."
I've realized, perhaps always known, that i am a completely awesome person. and that's great. and while i feel like i am riddled with flaws and imperfections, i'm not. it's just my refusal to become the average abercrombie ditz and fall into place that makes me feel as if i'm an outcast and useless. it irks me that people judge me on my outward appearance immediately and put me in their categories. i don't fit into any category. it's taken me tooooo long to figure that out. i am a part of every category in some small way and not part of any category completely. and it's hard for people to understand me because i'm all over the place. even my best friends don't know the half of me.
but, i am completely gullible. like when someone says "i like you," i immediately believe them and trust them. because i'm fucking gullible. and i get hurt. a lot. i don't want to become a complete pessimist and not trust anyone, but at the same time, i don't want to be walked all over.
the people who use me don't understand how fucking chill of a person i am and that if they put a little effort into me, the return would be better than what they were using me for in the first place. I might be utterly confusing, but i am completely loyal and would lay my life down for you if you asked. but one day i'm just going to snap. all of those people who toy with me are going to get it. i am chill, but if you fuck with me, you'll get my wrath. i am a diabolical bitch when need be and could ruin your life. try me and find out how i can destroy you. i don't because that's not the nice thing to do. but some day soon i'm going to crack and then all hell will break loose.
right now it seems like everytime i try to set my life in order, someone comes by and knocks all the blocks out of place. and apart from last weekend, i haven't really been happy in about 3 years and when i do find some joy, i usually plummet from my state of happiness into a horrible state of depression. i'm looking into dysthymia and others to see if i can help fix me. i want to get back to how i was during the beginning of this journal.
and now that i've shared, i HAVE to quit procrastinating.
<3 me.
ps. i know you're reading this. i have your shirt. i don't want it. come get it. you should talk to me sometime. that's what 'friends' do.
I've realized, perhaps always known, that i am a completely awesome person. and that's great. and while i feel like i am riddled with flaws and imperfections, i'm not. it's just my refusal to become the average abercrombie ditz and fall into place that makes me feel as if i'm an outcast and useless. it irks me that people judge me on my outward appearance immediately and put me in their categories. i don't fit into any category. it's taken me tooooo long to figure that out. i am a part of every category in some small way and not part of any category completely. and it's hard for people to understand me because i'm all over the place. even my best friends don't know the half of me.
but, i am completely gullible. like when someone says "i like you," i immediately believe them and trust them. because i'm fucking gullible. and i get hurt. a lot. i don't want to become a complete pessimist and not trust anyone, but at the same time, i don't want to be walked all over.
the people who use me don't understand how fucking chill of a person i am and that if they put a little effort into me, the return would be better than what they were using me for in the first place. I might be utterly confusing, but i am completely loyal and would lay my life down for you if you asked. but one day i'm just going to snap. all of those people who toy with me are going to get it. i am chill, but if you fuck with me, you'll get my wrath. i am a diabolical bitch when need be and could ruin your life. try me and find out how i can destroy you. i don't because that's not the nice thing to do. but some day soon i'm going to crack and then all hell will break loose.
right now it seems like everytime i try to set my life in order, someone comes by and knocks all the blocks out of place. and apart from last weekend, i haven't really been happy in about 3 years and when i do find some joy, i usually plummet from my state of happiness into a horrible state of depression. i'm looking into dysthymia and others to see if i can help fix me. i want to get back to how i was during the beginning of this journal.
and now that i've shared, i HAVE to quit procrastinating.
<3 me.
ps. i know you're reading this. i have your shirt. i don't want it. come get it. you should talk to me sometime. that's what 'friends' do.