Sometimes I'm a mess, if you only knew...
I've had plenty of time to think about things lately, as they're forced on me in a strange, subliminal kind of way. More and more I would like to go into the past, maybe to change things, but more to see and feel again. I'll never be 9 again, playing with my friend in my grandmother's backyard with GI Joes and Jurassic Park dinosaurs. I'll never be in the 7th grade again, staying up all night at Case's house playing Goldeneye. And I'll never be 17 again, walking through the park in the early fall talking about childhood. I've been slammed up against my past and those in it lately and I can't say how I feel about that. Sometimes it really hurts, what have I done that I can never do again and how did I ruin such important things to me by the force of my pride? Other times the memories are just nice. I'm glad I've been able to feel them after all this time. But sometimes I think back to things and wonder "If I had not been so pushy or bitchy at times, would things be different?" At least tolerable, I'm sure. I know I seem so emo right now and that is so not me, but I swear I just look back at my past self and can just hear myself talking to people while I want to scream "Stop! Stop! What are you doing? Do you have any concept of what you're saying!?!" But the past is the past and I just can't change what has happened. I have been mean to lots of people, some of those reading included. Many have forgiven me, some have not. That's up to the person, though. I would like to think that I will learn from my mistakes and not be mean to anyone ever again. But I doubt that, I'm bound to get pissed in the future, maybe tomorrow. At times like this I wish that this was not a forum but rather a conversation with everyone so that I could get reactions that I can respond to in person, to be honest I am usually afraid to speak so candidly on LJ, so I never use it. But I swear I feel like I'm being swallowed from the inside and I just have to say something before I go crazy(er). I can't do anything about 10 years or a year or even 6 months ago, but I'm going to get something right. After this last week of math I'm going back to Louisville for "short term break". And I'm going to treat Marissa like she should be, like a total queen (or at least princess. Now that I'm reading back over this I feel a lot better now, like I've said what needs to be said, and that I can be held to my promise to Marissa. I have made mistakes before, but I swear I'm not doing it again. I hope this guy is in heaven (Totoro, not the girl. She can come too)
