The Earth Isn't Humming...
So, this time two years ago I was in a basement at school and this banging that shook the whole building started. I realized that I was hearing the beginning of the New Marshal Center's construction. Today I was randomly walking by where the two buildings stand, side by side, and I clicked a picture because they were tearing the old one down. 20 seconds after I clicked the picture the rest of the building fell. Rocks and dust flew into my eyes and the place where I had had so many wonderful memories was gone.
The irony of this occasion wasn't missed.
In the past week I have been to 5 doctors. In the next two weeks I have 8 more appointments scheduled and 2 other doctors on top of the 5. I have been having really scary symptoms like chest pain that knocks me to the ground it hurts so bad and then I can't breathe. I have a blood clotting disorder that only 5% of the people on Earth have so after 3 weeks of this randomly happening I stopped trying to pretend I was a normal 23 year old woman and went to the doctor. The cardiologist doesn't know what is wrong with me, we are still doing a lot of tests. But the doctor I saw today figured something out. I was diagnosed with an ovarian disease that ruffly 4% of women have.
It doesn't look like I am going to be able to have children.
And all I can really say is that there is this grief and shame so deep inside me. So deep and it won't ever go away.
I'm not gonna have children.
No little version of me is ever gonna hold my hand or call me mommy.
I know that there is adoption. Fostercare. My friends and family will have nieces and nephews for me to spoil the heck out of. And that is awesome. I am grateful for that. But I can't get over this feeling. Because like that building turning into dust right before my eyes my greatest dream just did the same thing.
And who knows, maybe they will come up with a cure that works for someone with Factor V Leiden. Maybe I'm the next Sarah or Elizabeth and God will bless my baren womb and I will have a baby. Maybe like on the Cornerstone Podcast I was watching last night I'm not able to have kids because God has someone else's children to give me.
I don't know. I have faith that all will be as it should be. That everything happens for a reason and I pray that it is for the glory of God.
Truly, despite this sadness, I pray that that is so. Because honestly, that is the only thing that makes this whole thing okay somehow.