"I miss him this much and he is coming back. What will I do if he doesn't?"

[celtic_moon3]

Today was a real hard day. I have been really calm through all these things happening one by one with James. half a tear when the Dr. said the news was really bad and the cancer had spread.. I did have a breakdown when I found out his mom is coming but that is more nerves than anything. So some background.. James and I have a very, um..well I can't think of a word. We are friends. We have always been friends and to expect more than that for me would just lead to heartache. I know, we have been round and round this hundreds of time.. He's just not interested. It still amazes me we managed to have 2 children..and I think it was because I had a set plan and that was it. I wanted another..well for the last 6 years but that was a ridiculous hope. So anyway, I think I had myself convinced I would be strong, independant. My main concern was finding a job or some way to support my children and hopefully not have to move again. And then this weekend happened. I really miss James. I miss him asking me every night what to watch on TV just so I can say i don't care, because I don't..If he is watching something too gory I may say something, but I am pretty much just in the living room for the company and so I am pretty easy to please. and lots of little things. I miss him. This is what has been running through my mind like a broken record. "I miss him this much and he is coming back. What will I do if he doesn't?" and everything I do, everywhere I go everything reminds me of this. So the potential emotional impact hit me all at once. And no one was here to distract me. I found him a stool like he described at Salvation Army and painted the legs and through it all.. "how long will he use this" a Revereware Frying pan with the thick aluminum bottom rather than my copper bottom ones because mine keep rocking on that damn ceramic top stove and he hates it. how long. silly little things. He's my friend, he saved my life and he was the first person who said they loved me - but did not think that meant I needed to be told what to do. That was huge. Actually I still remember realizing that and I did not know what to do next. That still makes me laugh.

So I am facing this emotional realization.