Maybe I am ungrateful.
Everybody knows what to do. How I should run my life, how I should heal James, how I should solve all my problems. People who don't know me, don't know James or where we live. Don't fucking tell me your idea is a fucking good one if you have never been to CT, have met me twice and a bunch of other gripes. I am tired. All I want to do close up our family in this tiny house and lock out the outside world. And people who make promises and plans when the results of those plans are not imporant to them, but important to me. I need the trucks moving. I Need to get out of that house..to pack it up and be free of it. I need to know my treasured belongings are with me and you can't move out in a friggn Hyundai Accent!
I miss James. He has been gone for 3 hours and I want to cry. He needed to take Devin to the football hall of fame. They needed this time. But I am faced with my greatest fear: A house without him. Its scary. It reminds me of how I miss him whenever he goes away and the last time may be way too close. I hate cancer. I love my life, even though its hard. I love listening to my family interact, making jokes and picking on one another. I was already having such a hard time with the fact that the boys were in middle school and there were not likely to be any babies but the idea of losing James....well without him here right now I feel like my insides are imploding,,trying to push the tears into a tidal wave from me.
It sucks.
I miss James. He has been gone for 3 hours and I want to cry. He needed to take Devin to the football hall of fame. They needed this time. But I am faced with my greatest fear: A house without him. Its scary. It reminds me of how I miss him whenever he goes away and the last time may be way too close. I hate cancer. I love my life, even though its hard. I love listening to my family interact, making jokes and picking on one another. I was already having such a hard time with the fact that the boys were in middle school and there were not likely to be any babies but the idea of losing James....well without him here right now I feel like my insides are imploding,,trying to push the tears into a tidal wave from me.
It sucks.