Saying Prayers In the Street Light
Can't sleep, I kind of knew it would be this way. Me and the girl are on a break, and I should know what that means, considering I am the one who called it, but I honestly don't...the blind leading the blind I suppose. I just don't know what the limits are, or how to even play this game. I have been sleeping like shit, and I honestly knew something like this was coming, but it's still effecting me obviously. I called it so we could think, think about who the person is, and why exactly we felt inclined to date the other. Brittany makes it clear to me that she knows who I am, and why she cares for me, but some of the things that have been said between us...I just don't know anymore, I am searching myself for answers to who she is in my life, and how things strayed so badly, but I am not finding them. it's very hard to be the one with the weight of this on their shoulders, that much has been confirmed, but it all seems so cut and dry, we either get back together, or say goodbye to six months, and more love than I think either have felt in a previous relationship.
I am so angry,frustrated,depressed,anxious, and simply stressed about it; regardless of how I may seem on the outside, I am truly conflicted. She said I seemed like I was not effected by it, but I truly am, I just have a lot of experience in situations where a lot rests on me emotionally, and knowing that regardless of the outcome, nothing will ever be the same. I feel like I am losing a good friend in this, and I truthfully am; Brittany was the only person I at least talked to everyday besides Derek for quite some time. It was a much different kind of friendship, but I would like to think that if we were to break up, I would still be able to talk to her, and her to me. I think if a break up happens, then we will need some time to come to terms with the change, time to adapt to a lesser role in one another's life, but it could honestly work.
I am also worried about taking something away that she relied heavily on, and not being able to fulfill tasks that I said I would. I have an obsession with prom for some reason, I want her to have one that leaves her happy, one that she can look back on with a smile and say "That was an incredible night". I don't want to be the asshole that ruined prom by breaking her heart. There is another side of me though, the one that realizes there is something wrong when comments about the way I live my life are becoming more and more common. I don't feel that people should change for others, any change should be for yourself, because you feel it needs to be corrected. Changes are a huge part of why this has become an issue, because we both have massive self-loathing, and that is something that we both need to change. My dad once told my mom that "You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself" and I think that is a huge part of our problem. Me and Brittany should not have happened at this stage in our lives, it should have been 5-10 years from now, after the awkwardness of teenage years had worn off, and we had a chance to grow into the people were are going to be,and embrace who we are. Regardless of how good we might be together now, a few more years to define ourselves would do us nothing but good,and I believe it would have been best... This is all in theory though.
I drink
I smoke
I am a hermit
at least two of these things should change, but not until I am ready to do so.
On the upside, I am making friends at work, and that is good, helps me come out of my shell more
Most people don't know how confused I really am, and how none of this is cut and dry to me, everything is a battle that has no real victory in it, sometimes you just have to settle for the lesser of two evils I suppose.
I guess I'll finish by saying that knowing what is right, and having the courage to choose that is a lot harder than pleasing people, but you'll always know when you have made the right choice, and they will thank you somewhere down the line. I am notorious for making the wrong choice, but i have been doing much better lately,and I know I can make the right one...regardless of what it is
I am so angry,frustrated,depressed,anxious, and simply stressed about it; regardless of how I may seem on the outside, I am truly conflicted. She said I seemed like I was not effected by it, but I truly am, I just have a lot of experience in situations where a lot rests on me emotionally, and knowing that regardless of the outcome, nothing will ever be the same. I feel like I am losing a good friend in this, and I truthfully am; Brittany was the only person I at least talked to everyday besides Derek for quite some time. It was a much different kind of friendship, but I would like to think that if we were to break up, I would still be able to talk to her, and her to me. I think if a break up happens, then we will need some time to come to terms with the change, time to adapt to a lesser role in one another's life, but it could honestly work.
I am also worried about taking something away that she relied heavily on, and not being able to fulfill tasks that I said I would. I have an obsession with prom for some reason, I want her to have one that leaves her happy, one that she can look back on with a smile and say "That was an incredible night". I don't want to be the asshole that ruined prom by breaking her heart. There is another side of me though, the one that realizes there is something wrong when comments about the way I live my life are becoming more and more common. I don't feel that people should change for others, any change should be for yourself, because you feel it needs to be corrected. Changes are a huge part of why this has become an issue, because we both have massive self-loathing, and that is something that we both need to change. My dad once told my mom that "You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself" and I think that is a huge part of our problem. Me and Brittany should not have happened at this stage in our lives, it should have been 5-10 years from now, after the awkwardness of teenage years had worn off, and we had a chance to grow into the people were are going to be,and embrace who we are. Regardless of how good we might be together now, a few more years to define ourselves would do us nothing but good,and I believe it would have been best... This is all in theory though.
I drink
I smoke
I am a hermit
at least two of these things should change, but not until I am ready to do so.
On the upside, I am making friends at work, and that is good, helps me come out of my shell more
Most people don't know how confused I really am, and how none of this is cut and dry to me, everything is a battle that has no real victory in it, sometimes you just have to settle for the lesser of two evils I suppose.
I guess I'll finish by saying that knowing what is right, and having the courage to choose that is a lot harder than pleasing people, but you'll always know when you have made the right choice, and they will thank you somewhere down the line. I am notorious for making the wrong choice, but i have been doing much better lately,and I know I can make the right one...regardless of what it is