Sorry its so long.....i've got to get this off my chest!
When I was eight years old, my brother of nine months passed away. The dr.’s said he’d never make it to the age of one. But I didn’t believe them because they also said he’d never be able to sit up on his own, but he did.
My brother john was born with aortic stenosis, which is a hardening in the heart vowels. Eight hours after he was born, he had open heart surgery; and spent the first month of his life in a children’s hospital. He was a happy baby, always smiling always laughing. He hardly ever cried, unless he just got home from a drilling dr’s visit. I know its been a long time, and i should be over this. But last night I had a horrible dream. When I was a little kid, I’d replay the day he died, it seemed like every day. I would get so mad because there were all these signs, but we didn’t think they were at the time.
The day he died, it was a very normal day, we went to wal-mart, bought some groceries, and while we were there, john got his picture taken with the wrestler Jake the snake….That was two hours before we didn’t know we were gonna loose him forever. We came home, john and I sat and watched sing a long songs, and I was singing to him and playin with him. All day we had been gearing up to go to my best friends birthday. So it was time to leave, and we were walking over to my grandmas to get lawn chairs, and john was laughing at my grandpa making goofey faces on the lawn mower, and then that’s when it happened he just fell limp, and turned grey. My mom just took off, she ran like hell to the truck and my granddad did the same. I had no idea what was wrong but I saw my mom giving my brother cpr, in the truck and they left in a blink of an eye. I stood in the yard completely in a daze, no one had even told me what was up or for that matter even said a word. I just kept standing there cause I knew. A few mins later my friends dad pulled up, and my grandma shoved me in the car. Nothing was said then, but there wasn’t a need. My friend had been at her dads, and wouldn’t be at her house for a couple of hours, so I sat outside on her swing and cried…all her cousins made fun of me because they thought I was crying because it wasn’t my birthday but I never said a word. Her parents knew what was up, cause my grandma had called them to get me. Finally my friend got home and her parents told her what was going on, and she came out and sat with me on the swings and we cried together. Its funny to think now how young people console each other. Finally my mom came home it was very late at night, and she told me john didn’t make it. And we walked home in silence. And that night, I was afraid to sleep. I felt so bad that I was alive and i was healthy, and I thought he’d be mad….i stayed awake all night because of that fear.
Two weeks before he died, he had had a heart cath, and everything was normal. But the signs were so obvious now. I know my mom feels guilty, because she works in the cardio department at the hospital. That day john knew he was gonna die. He was really clingy. And his one arm wasn’t working very well. And instead of watching the video that he loved so much he watched me and what I was doing. Like he was absorbing stuff. And he acted like his chest hurt, but that was something john was use to.
Last night those fears came back to me, I dreamt that I was back in that day. John and I were watching videos and playing. When I got up and said mom, johns going to die, save him now and as I said that I watched his face go expressionless and grey, and just dropped to the floor while my mom was doing cpr, and I just started punching the floor and saying god dammit, I missed my one chance!!!! I just kept punching the floor, and banging my head on floor. When I turned and looked and john was alive I had done, it, I had saved him. And he was ok, and I had both my brothers. I woke up and had to throw up I was so upset.
A year later however after john died, my mom had my brother Jakob. I named him. I hated her selection of names, and she felt guilty, because she knew I was mad at her for being pregnant again. I told her how could you do that to john, why are you trying to replace him. He was born when I was two weeks shy of being ten. I didn’t want anything to do with my brother. Because when he was born, the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, and mom had to go in for an emergency c-section. Once again, my family was frantic, and I’d heard the nurse say, both of them could die, I was so mad at my mom. I ran away from the hospital actually, I was so mad, but no one noticed.
I met a guy out side in a wheel chair, he asked me to open his juice for him. He was in almost a full body cast, he’d been thrown from a steam roller, and it ran over his legs. And he asked me why I looked so angry. I didn’t tell him. I just asked about his legs. And then he said you haven’t run away have you, and I said yes. And he told me that sometimes families go through hard times, but that’s why they are family, they are the only ones that will go through those hard times with you, and understand. Then he gave me his other juice, for helping him out, and I went back in the building, after telling him I hoped his legs healed right…he still had no idea what I was going through, but I don’t think it mattered at the time. He just gave some words that I will never forget.
My mom and jake came out of the ordeal just fine, and when I was introduced to him, I didn’t want to meet him. And the nurse brought him over and I said do I get to keep this one…and she said yes, and I held him and now I love that kid, more than myself. But it wasn’t until we got home from the hospital and we were putting pictures in the picture album, when we stumbled across the picture of john and the wrester, who was called jake the snake, which is one of our nick names for jakob. The names were never planned out or anything. It just goes to show you, I believe in a little thing called destiny.
My brother john was born with aortic stenosis, which is a hardening in the heart vowels. Eight hours after he was born, he had open heart surgery; and spent the first month of his life in a children’s hospital. He was a happy baby, always smiling always laughing. He hardly ever cried, unless he just got home from a drilling dr’s visit. I know its been a long time, and i should be over this. But last night I had a horrible dream. When I was a little kid, I’d replay the day he died, it seemed like every day. I would get so mad because there were all these signs, but we didn’t think they were at the time.
The day he died, it was a very normal day, we went to wal-mart, bought some groceries, and while we were there, john got his picture taken with the wrestler Jake the snake….That was two hours before we didn’t know we were gonna loose him forever. We came home, john and I sat and watched sing a long songs, and I was singing to him and playin with him. All day we had been gearing up to go to my best friends birthday. So it was time to leave, and we were walking over to my grandmas to get lawn chairs, and john was laughing at my grandpa making goofey faces on the lawn mower, and then that’s when it happened he just fell limp, and turned grey. My mom just took off, she ran like hell to the truck and my granddad did the same. I had no idea what was wrong but I saw my mom giving my brother cpr, in the truck and they left in a blink of an eye. I stood in the yard completely in a daze, no one had even told me what was up or for that matter even said a word. I just kept standing there cause I knew. A few mins later my friends dad pulled up, and my grandma shoved me in the car. Nothing was said then, but there wasn’t a need. My friend had been at her dads, and wouldn’t be at her house for a couple of hours, so I sat outside on her swing and cried…all her cousins made fun of me because they thought I was crying because it wasn’t my birthday but I never said a word. Her parents knew what was up, cause my grandma had called them to get me. Finally my friend got home and her parents told her what was going on, and she came out and sat with me on the swings and we cried together. Its funny to think now how young people console each other. Finally my mom came home it was very late at night, and she told me john didn’t make it. And we walked home in silence. And that night, I was afraid to sleep. I felt so bad that I was alive and i was healthy, and I thought he’d be mad….i stayed awake all night because of that fear.
Two weeks before he died, he had had a heart cath, and everything was normal. But the signs were so obvious now. I know my mom feels guilty, because she works in the cardio department at the hospital. That day john knew he was gonna die. He was really clingy. And his one arm wasn’t working very well. And instead of watching the video that he loved so much he watched me and what I was doing. Like he was absorbing stuff. And he acted like his chest hurt, but that was something john was use to.
Last night those fears came back to me, I dreamt that I was back in that day. John and I were watching videos and playing. When I got up and said mom, johns going to die, save him now and as I said that I watched his face go expressionless and grey, and just dropped to the floor while my mom was doing cpr, and I just started punching the floor and saying god dammit, I missed my one chance!!!! I just kept punching the floor, and banging my head on floor. When I turned and looked and john was alive I had done, it, I had saved him. And he was ok, and I had both my brothers. I woke up and had to throw up I was so upset.
A year later however after john died, my mom had my brother Jakob. I named him. I hated her selection of names, and she felt guilty, because she knew I was mad at her for being pregnant again. I told her how could you do that to john, why are you trying to replace him. He was born when I was two weeks shy of being ten. I didn’t want anything to do with my brother. Because when he was born, the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck, and mom had to go in for an emergency c-section. Once again, my family was frantic, and I’d heard the nurse say, both of them could die, I was so mad at my mom. I ran away from the hospital actually, I was so mad, but no one noticed.
I met a guy out side in a wheel chair, he asked me to open his juice for him. He was in almost a full body cast, he’d been thrown from a steam roller, and it ran over his legs. And he asked me why I looked so angry. I didn’t tell him. I just asked about his legs. And then he said you haven’t run away have you, and I said yes. And he told me that sometimes families go through hard times, but that’s why they are family, they are the only ones that will go through those hard times with you, and understand. Then he gave me his other juice, for helping him out, and I went back in the building, after telling him I hoped his legs healed right…he still had no idea what I was going through, but I don’t think it mattered at the time. He just gave some words that I will never forget.
My mom and jake came out of the ordeal just fine, and when I was introduced to him, I didn’t want to meet him. And the nurse brought him over and I said do I get to keep this one…and she said yes, and I held him and now I love that kid, more than myself. But it wasn’t until we got home from the hospital and we were putting pictures in the picture album, when we stumbled across the picture of john and the wrester, who was called jake the snake, which is one of our nick names for jakob. The names were never planned out or anything. It just goes to show you, I believe in a little thing called destiny.