Too much stuff!
Yeah, haven't felt like writing much.
Let's see. I don't even know where I left off. Last kidney operation? Well, I still have to have my left kidney finished but my body is too weak to cross London and back for a 20 minute scan. It takes 2 hours to get to the hospital and 2 to get back home. For a 20 minute scan??? I can hardly walk across the house without being exhausted. I didn't recover from the last operation. Never got my strength back. Depression and all that made it worse.
Speaking of that, yesterday was my brother's 56th birthday. I wish he was still around so I could have given him a hard time about it. The anniversary of his death is tomorrow. I am beyond sad. I talk to him all the time and I can't stop crying. He was such a good guy. I miss him so much.
I feel like I'm living in a dream. I used to get this all the time but it went away for a while. It's back. But I think it might be something else because I feel sick. I feel really sick when I wake up and when I eat my guts hurt. That's all I need is to get sick when I don't have any strength to begin with.
The leaves are starting to turn and fall. I love that. Neil got my fall decorations down but I don't know if I have the strength to put them up. The house is such a mess but there isn't much I can do. Neil has pretty much given up. How the hell did I end up in this situation?
AND I have no one to talk to. Everyone was so excited about talking on Skype. Where are they now??? Well, I did get to talk to my niece yesterday for a few minutes, minus the minutes when her kids were screaming so loud I couldn't even hear her. That would drive me insane.
My friend Jim in California hasn't been around. I know he isn't well and sleeps alot. His daughter talks to me sometimes on Facebook and she says he sleeps a lot. He always makes me laugh and I could sure use that now.
But I NEED someone to talk to. Where I'm going to find this person I have no idea. I love living out here where it's quiet. But I don't know anyone to invite over to visit. I don't want to know any people from here. They're horrible people. The farmer is nice. I wish I could hug one of those baby cows for a while. They moved the horses to another field and it's too far for me to get to so I can't hug Patchy. (Apache) He's a wonderful hugger. I miss being able to get close to him.
I'm just so sad. Too sad. I keep calling out to my mom and my brother. I hope they can hear me.
My other idiot brothers are fighting over the real will and the fake one that was made after Mom died. What a bunch of horse shit. Everyone keeps telling me what they got from Mom. I got nothing. Not one thing. That doesn't really matter, just proves to me that I stand exactly where I thought I did in the family. By myself. I'm still very angry at my mom for sooooooo many things. But I'm still upset that she's gone.
Maybe I should just check out. I think I might if it wasn't for Neil and the not knowing what comes after that if you take your own life. It's definately been on my mind.
Whatever. No one's ever going to read this anyway.
This is my favorite time of the year and I don't even feel anything. I'm scared all the time. But why???
Let's see. I don't even know where I left off. Last kidney operation? Well, I still have to have my left kidney finished but my body is too weak to cross London and back for a 20 minute scan. It takes 2 hours to get to the hospital and 2 to get back home. For a 20 minute scan??? I can hardly walk across the house without being exhausted. I didn't recover from the last operation. Never got my strength back. Depression and all that made it worse.
Speaking of that, yesterday was my brother's 56th birthday. I wish he was still around so I could have given him a hard time about it. The anniversary of his death is tomorrow. I am beyond sad. I talk to him all the time and I can't stop crying. He was such a good guy. I miss him so much.
I feel like I'm living in a dream. I used to get this all the time but it went away for a while. It's back. But I think it might be something else because I feel sick. I feel really sick when I wake up and when I eat my guts hurt. That's all I need is to get sick when I don't have any strength to begin with.
The leaves are starting to turn and fall. I love that. Neil got my fall decorations down but I don't know if I have the strength to put them up. The house is such a mess but there isn't much I can do. Neil has pretty much given up. How the hell did I end up in this situation?
AND I have no one to talk to. Everyone was so excited about talking on Skype. Where are they now??? Well, I did get to talk to my niece yesterday for a few minutes, minus the minutes when her kids were screaming so loud I couldn't even hear her. That would drive me insane.
My friend Jim in California hasn't been around. I know he isn't well and sleeps alot. His daughter talks to me sometimes on Facebook and she says he sleeps a lot. He always makes me laugh and I could sure use that now.
But I NEED someone to talk to. Where I'm going to find this person I have no idea. I love living out here where it's quiet. But I don't know anyone to invite over to visit. I don't want to know any people from here. They're horrible people. The farmer is nice. I wish I could hug one of those baby cows for a while. They moved the horses to another field and it's too far for me to get to so I can't hug Patchy. (Apache) He's a wonderful hugger. I miss being able to get close to him.
I'm just so sad. Too sad. I keep calling out to my mom and my brother. I hope they can hear me.
My other idiot brothers are fighting over the real will and the fake one that was made after Mom died. What a bunch of horse shit. Everyone keeps telling me what they got from Mom. I got nothing. Not one thing. That doesn't really matter, just proves to me that I stand exactly where I thought I did in the family. By myself. I'm still very angry at my mom for sooooooo many things. But I'm still upset that she's gone.
Maybe I should just check out. I think I might if it wasn't for Neil and the not knowing what comes after that if you take your own life. It's definately been on my mind.
Whatever. No one's ever going to read this anyway.
This is my favorite time of the year and I don't even feel anything. I'm scared all the time. But why???