(no subject)
Its 1:14am. I have to be at work at 9:00am. I can't sleep. I had a nap earlier in the evening. I took a leave without pay for three weeks which ended last week, so I'm back at work this week and then off again for another three weeks. - Which seems pretty ridiculous really, to come back for just a week and bugger off again, but the other weeks excluding the Christmas-New Years week are all unpaid and I gots bills and it sucks to have saved between 20 and 30 percent of each paycheck to see SO MUCH OF IT ALL GO AWAY AT ONCE. So, yes. A week of pay. Good. - I am taking the time off to study over the summer semester, though I dropped the last course before census date and took the remaining time as an unpaid holiday. (Feels like failure man.)
During this unpaid holiday I got back into the regular sleeping patterns that I've had all of my known life before this job, which is to say I that went to bed at 4:00am a lot.
So, this week sleeping correctly has been difficult, which has been exhausting me. I have my laptop set up next to my bed at home, if I am home and using a computer I am _probably_ in bed. So, lying in bed computering as is my habit where, due to the fact that I accidentally fell asleep where I was lying, I approximate my body saying something like this: "SCREW YOU AND YOUR SILLY HOURS AND HOURS ON FACEBOOK. THIS SHIT IS COMFY. I'M SLEEPING NOW."
Cav went to go to bed and accidentally woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. N'I started thinking writing would help the process, because my mind went into an emotional place (mostly a _fantastic_ emotional place, actually, but that doesn't help me sleep all the same.)
Where I was at was an extremely personal series of thoughts about my life and where I am in the world n'where I have been and how things have changed and I think there was some powerful stuff in it, but now that I have written this much about nothing I do not want to write anymore.
Suffice to say I'm happy. I like where I am in my life. I feel like the problems I have are just problems that 'ordinary people' have. I used to be in an extremely fucked up mental place and I am not anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still get serious bouts of depression, but _I like my life._ There was a long time where I never thought I was going to be able to say that honestly. I feel so lucky and just _joyful._ Ahh, writing it makes me emotional again, though the thoughts I was having earlier were still so much more powerful than that tl;dr
(I'm happy. Holy Shit. I am a by and large happy person who looks forward to the day ahead. OH MY GOD.)
During this unpaid holiday I got back into the regular sleeping patterns that I've had all of my known life before this job, which is to say I that went to bed at 4:00am a lot.
So, this week sleeping correctly has been difficult, which has been exhausting me. I have my laptop set up next to my bed at home, if I am home and using a computer I am _probably_ in bed. So, lying in bed computering as is my habit where, due to the fact that I accidentally fell asleep where I was lying, I approximate my body saying something like this: "SCREW YOU AND YOUR SILLY HOURS AND HOURS ON FACEBOOK. THIS SHIT IS COMFY. I'M SLEEPING NOW."
Cav went to go to bed and accidentally woke me up and now I can't get back to sleep. N'I started thinking writing would help the process, because my mind went into an emotional place (mostly a _fantastic_ emotional place, actually, but that doesn't help me sleep all the same.)
Where I was at was an extremely personal series of thoughts about my life and where I am in the world n'where I have been and how things have changed and I think there was some powerful stuff in it, but now that I have written this much about nothing I do not want to write anymore.
Suffice to say I'm happy. I like where I am in my life. I feel like the problems I have are just problems that 'ordinary people' have. I used to be in an extremely fucked up mental place and I am not anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still get serious bouts of depression, but _I like my life._ There was a long time where I never thought I was going to be able to say that honestly. I feel so lucky and just _joyful._ Ahh, writing it makes me emotional again, though the thoughts I was having earlier were still so much more powerful than that tl;dr
(I'm happy. Holy Shit. I am a by and large happy person who looks forward to the day ahead. OH MY GOD.)