Unless I'm wrong ... which you know ... I'm not
MONK. My new favorite TV show (other than THE TRIBE, obviously). It is the most hilarious thing I have ever watched. If you haven't heard of it, go to Target and buy a season. Doesn't matter which one. They're all great (psst, season's 3 to 5 are the best). The characters are uniquely original and quirky (some more than others). And if you like Psych, then you'll love MONK. Go get it! Now! I loved Sharona in Season one but I'm sorry, Natalie is my favorite! Yes, yes. I am a Natalie/Monk shipper.
So, in light of that, I have compiled my favorite MONK quotes for your enjoyment:
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? And if it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: I doubt it.
Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once, making every minute count. It gave me a headache.
Sharona Fleming: Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim?
Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Shoot him.
Disher: I can't do that, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then shoot me.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Adrian Monk: It kinda does.
Adrian Monk: How tall are you?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Six foot.
Adrian Monk: Really.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Five-eleven.
Sharona Fleming: How was the dating?
Adrian Monk: It was hell. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona Fleming: But you are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [due to a loose snake, Monk is standing on the kitchen table of a house he and Captain Leland Stottlemeyer are investigating]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk can't help you because well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland.
Adrian Monk: [police officers are investigating his home] If something spills, I want to be here.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here.
Adrian Monk: That's a good point...
Heavyset Cop: Where's your bathroom?
Adrian Monk: [closes bathroom door] I don't have one
Adrian Monk: Wipe.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life.
Adrian Monk: [singing] If ever I would leave you...
[Monk is in the hospital room of one of the men involved in his wife's death]
Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I AM the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me turning off your morphine.
[He does]
Adrian Monk: And this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.
[he does]
Adrian Monk: [about being a cop] I couldn't change the world, I knew that. But I could fix little pieces of it.
[Monk is attempting to stop a robbery by pointing a gun at Lester]
Lester Highsmith: Is that a water pistol?
Adrian Monk: No!
[barrel is dripping]
Adrian Monk: Maybe... it's scalding! Scalding hot water!
Adrian Monk: A stop sign is not a suggestion!
Sharona Fleming: Yes it is!
Disher: You know, some people think I'm dangerous.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, people driving behind you.
Adrian Monk: I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona Fleming: You needed a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Adrian Monk: Everyone did. It was the late Seventies. It was a crazy time.
Adrian Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: ...barbecued shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Stop.
Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds them up] Birth control pills.
[Natalie's young daughter is staring at them]
Natalie: [horrified] What's wrong with you?
Adrian Monk: My mistake. These are Tic-Tacs.
Natalie Teeger: [walking through a Museum exhibit on "The Miracle of Birth"] Come on, Adrian, it's just like a fun house.
Adrian Monk: What's so fun about fallopian tubes?
Housekeeper: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: 9 am.
Housekeeper: Until?
Adrian Monk: Until one.
Housekeeper: Until 1 pm?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.
Adrian Monk: [as "The Monk"] How you doing, Toy Store?
Disher: What did you call me?
Adrian Monk: "Toy Store." Your name's Disher. Dish, plate, Plato, Play-Doh. Where do you buy Play-Doh?
Disher: Toy store.
Adrian Monk: She's been buying ice all day. That makes sixteen bags she's carried in so far.
Natalie: Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk: No food, no beer, no chips. Just ice.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm one-hundred percent sure that she probably killed him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[pause]
Adrian Monk: Ninety-five percent.
Adrian Monk: There's an old saying: "Don't change anything... ever."
Natalie Teeger: That's an old saying?
Adrian Monk: I've been saying it for years.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: Pokin' around.
Adrian Monk: You can't *do* that!
Natalie: I can do anything I want. I'm cute.
[In a squad car, chasing a suspect]
Adrian Monk: Is your seatbelt on?
Sgt. Parnell: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: Nice and tight? Blinkers! Blinkers!
Sgt. Parnell: Do you understand this is a car chase?
Adrian Monk: Left lane ends, two miles! Left lane ends, two miles!
Adrian Monk: [after accidentally touching the ground] Nature! I've got Nature on my hand! Get it off!
[Monk is babysitting a two-year old]
Teresa Crane: Now before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only in smaller portions.
Adrian Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.
Sharona Fleming: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh, it's kinda
[gestures with hands]
Adrian Monk: ... small. I, I don't have a comfort zone.
[Monk is babysitting a two-year-old]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God, what is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Adrian Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie Teeger: It must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one when I was his age.
Natalie Teeger: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk: No.
911 Operator: Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
Adrian Monk: It's everywhere! B.M. It's B.M., B.M., B.M.! It's B.M.!
911 Operator: Sir, you have to stop saying "B.M." now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper?
Adrian Monk: Yes! Yes, he's soiling his... his diaper.
911 Operator: You mean you've never changed a diaper before?
Adrian Monk: Hurry!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [as he's restraining Wright] I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw.
[Stottmeyer spins him around then punches him in the jaw]
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Forget it. No more vacations. The next time you try to make me take a vacation, I *swear* I'm quitting.
[pause]
Sharona Fleming: I can't believe I just said that.
Adrian Monk: You seem upset.
Sharona Fleming: I am upset!
Adrian Monk: You know what you need?
Sharona Fleming: No. Shut up.
Adrian Monk: Vacation!
Sharona Fleming: Shut up!
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Monk is sick in bed with the flu; Stottlemeyer points to a large device on the nightstand] What is this thing?
Adrian Monk: It's a humidifier.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [pointing to another device] What's that one?
Adrian Monk: It's a dehumidifier.
[long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Adrian Monk: Exactly.
Adrian Monk: [Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album] She was... wow.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Do you um, know what Ebay is?
Adrian Monk: Ebay, no.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Good.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: How sure are you about this? And don't give me this 95 percent crap!
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am 100 percent sure that she *probably* killed her husband.
Adrian Monk: [Waits a moment] 95 percent.
So, in light of that, I have compiled my favorite MONK quotes for your enjoyment:
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? And if it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: I doubt it.
Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once, making every minute count. It gave me a headache.
Sharona Fleming: Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim?
Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Shoot him.
Disher: I can't do that, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then shoot me.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Adrian Monk: It kinda does.
Adrian Monk: How tall are you?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Six foot.
Adrian Monk: Really.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Five-eleven.
Sharona Fleming: How was the dating?
Adrian Monk: It was hell. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona Fleming: But you are single.
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [due to a loose snake, Monk is standing on the kitchen table of a house he and Captain Leland Stottlemeyer are investigating]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk can't help you because well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland.
Adrian Monk: [police officers are investigating his home] If something spills, I want to be here.
Sharona Fleming: Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here.
Adrian Monk: That's a good point...
Heavyset Cop: Where's your bathroom?
Adrian Monk: [closes bathroom door] I don't have one
Adrian Monk: Wipe.
Sharona Fleming: Oh, suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming: Why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming: No.
Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here.
Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life.
Adrian Monk: [singing] If ever I would leave you...
[Monk is in the hospital room of one of the men involved in his wife's death]
Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband?
Adrian Monk: I AM the husband.
Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me.
Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me turning off your morphine.
[He does]
Adrian Monk: And this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.
[he does]
Adrian Monk: [about being a cop] I couldn't change the world, I knew that. But I could fix little pieces of it.
[Monk is attempting to stop a robbery by pointing a gun at Lester]
Lester Highsmith: Is that a water pistol?
Adrian Monk: No!
[barrel is dripping]
Adrian Monk: Maybe... it's scalding! Scalding hot water!
Adrian Monk: A stop sign is not a suggestion!
Sharona Fleming: Yes it is!
Disher: You know, some people think I'm dangerous.
Sharona Fleming: Yeah, people driving behind you.
Adrian Monk: I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona Fleming: You needed a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Adrian Monk: Everyone did. It was the late Seventies. It was a crazy time.
Adrian Monk: Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie: ...barbecued shrimp...
Adrian Monk: Stop.
Adrian Monk: You recently started dating again.
Natalie: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: [holds them up] Birth control pills.
[Natalie's young daughter is staring at them]
Natalie: [horrified] What's wrong with you?
Adrian Monk: My mistake. These are Tic-Tacs.
Natalie Teeger: [walking through a Museum exhibit on "The Miracle of Birth"] Come on, Adrian, it's just like a fun house.
Adrian Monk: What's so fun about fallopian tubes?
Housekeeper: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: 9 am.
Housekeeper: Until?
Adrian Monk: Until one.
Housekeeper: Until 1 pm?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.
Adrian Monk: [as "The Monk"] How you doing, Toy Store?
Disher: What did you call me?
Adrian Monk: "Toy Store." Your name's Disher. Dish, plate, Plato, Play-Doh. Where do you buy Play-Doh?
Disher: Toy store.
Adrian Monk: She's been buying ice all day. That makes sixteen bags she's carried in so far.
Natalie: Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk: No food, no beer, no chips. Just ice.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm one-hundred percent sure that she probably killed him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
[pause]
Adrian Monk: Ninety-five percent.
Adrian Monk: There's an old saying: "Don't change anything... ever."
Natalie Teeger: That's an old saying?
Adrian Monk: I've been saying it for years.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: Pokin' around.
Adrian Monk: You can't *do* that!
Natalie: I can do anything I want. I'm cute.
[In a squad car, chasing a suspect]
Adrian Monk: Is your seatbelt on?
Sgt. Parnell: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: Nice and tight? Blinkers! Blinkers!
Sgt. Parnell: Do you understand this is a car chase?
Adrian Monk: Left lane ends, two miles! Left lane ends, two miles!
Adrian Monk: [after accidentally touching the ground] Nature! I've got Nature on my hand! Get it off!
[Monk is babysitting a two-year old]
Teresa Crane: Now before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk: Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane: He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only in smaller portions.
Adrian Monk: Oh. So he's like a person.
Sharona Fleming: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming: I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh, it's kinda
[gestures with hands]
Adrian Monk: ... small. I, I don't have a comfort zone.
[Monk is babysitting a two-year-old]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, my God, what is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Adrian Monk: To protect his head.
Natalie Teeger: It must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one when I was his age.
Natalie Teeger: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk: No.
911 Operator: Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
Adrian Monk: It's everywhere! B.M. It's B.M., B.M., B.M.! It's B.M.!
911 Operator: Sir, you have to stop saying "B.M." now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper?
Adrian Monk: Yes! Yes, he's soiling his... his diaper.
911 Operator: You mean you've never changed a diaper before?
Adrian Monk: Hurry!
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [as he's restraining Wright] I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw.
[Stottmeyer spins him around then punches him in the jaw]
Sharona Fleming: No. No. Forget it. No more vacations. The next time you try to make me take a vacation, I *swear* I'm quitting.
[pause]
Sharona Fleming: I can't believe I just said that.
Adrian Monk: You seem upset.
Sharona Fleming: I am upset!
Adrian Monk: You know what you need?
Sharona Fleming: No. Shut up.
Adrian Monk: Vacation!
Sharona Fleming: Shut up!
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger: Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he'd lost his wallet.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [Monk is sick in bed with the flu; Stottlemeyer points to a large device on the nightstand] What is this thing?
Adrian Monk: It's a humidifier.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: [pointing to another device] What's that one?
Adrian Monk: It's a dehumidifier.
[long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Adrian Monk: Exactly.
Adrian Monk: [Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album] She was... wow.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Capt. Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Do you um, know what Ebay is?
Adrian Monk: Ebay, no.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: Good.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: How sure are you about this? And don't give me this 95 percent crap!
Adrian Monk: Captain, I am 100 percent sure that she *probably* killed her husband.
Adrian Monk: [Waits a moment] 95 percent.