The rising and falling of the eternal ball of sunshine:
I can't articulate on how drained I feel as of lately. It's not so much that I haven't had enough sleep to function off at all, as I make it a point to get at least 7 hours a night, and it's not like I've been overworked either. As the wise Tori Amos once inquired, "Oh god could it be the weather? Oh god, why am I here? If love isn't forever and it's not the weather, hand me my leather." Word, sister.
Within the past few days, I've seen the titles of those I associate with change like shoes. This huge conglomeration of meaning and prominence took a part, and I think I can finally admit I'm happy with things. It's not to say I don't feel bad for hurting someone in the process, but with the way she manipulated the outcome in her hands, I don't feel guilty at all. Since my last post, a very dear friend of mine admitting to having feelings for me. And frankly, yeah. I've got those same feelings for him. With the way we've been talking [and trust me, there have been some pretty heavy conversation involved] I feel completely comfortable handing my time and effort to him. Yesterday I had this growing motivation to do this right for once-- and I plan on doing exactly that. I will not fall too fast. I will not let my own jealousy or insecurities get the best of me. I will not try to deprive him of his freedom. I simply want to come together naturally and easily as two human beings who have a mutal attraction and respect for one another. Considering we'll be going to school in the fall, I think we have just enough time to really get to know another over the summer and make something truly happen in August. It's exciting to have such an aspiration to look forward to, and it's even more exciting knowing that I'm helping myself become a better and more patient person in the process of this. However don't get the impression that I'm planning the future already, as I know quite well that doing that ultimately leads to disappointment. I'm just working towards something I see as completely worthy of my all. There will be a definite reason for any direction things go from now, and I'm keeping that open mind.
But you can't blame me for hoping for the best. At least I'm staying at ground level in doing so this time and not allowing myself and my dreams to float into the vast sky. I'm proud of how I'm handling this this time around -- it's a step from what I'd usually be doing in this situation.
And no, I don't like boys in trendy emo glasses more than you. But I may just like the concept of you wearing those trendy emo glasses more than the boys who wear them. Or maybe I just like you more than anything even remotely INVOLVING trendy emo glasses. :>
I have the biggest pit of reluctance in my stomach concerning work today. I know what you're thinking, "This girl always complains about work. It's nothing new." But today is different, I tell you. It's a really shitty shift [2-10:30] and I'm up front at the head register. I can generally manage those shifts and those circumstances well, but It involves being immensely awake and candy. Now considering I started a new diet today, I can't have the candy with me and water will end up being my only savior. I don't feel rested even though I got enough sleep. And I am bitter towards most of humanity. This is a day reserved for locking me in a cave, and instead I'm being thrown headfirst into society. I don't forsee this being the most ideal day.
So here's the plan before I go to college. I've decided that I'm actually going to put some effort towards feeling better about myself before I venture into this new place wth new faces and a new lifestyle. As I mentioned in a previous paragraph, I've started a new diet, which is basically a ghetto version of South Beach. [I say ghetto because I dont know the exact guidelines of how South Beath works, but I was told by someone who was on it what could and could not be eaten. That's all that matters anyways.] It's my goal to get myself down to 120 -- that means when I get to college and gain all that weight, it'll simply put me back to my normal weight and all my clothes will still fit. Consider it an economic decision! I'm also set on getting my face cleared up, but that's pretty much taken care of now that I've switched birth control and am on the Doxycycline, which should really clear it up. Finally, I want my hair to grow out. I've really got to have will power when I go to the stylist from now on, because I do have a very bad habit of getting impulse haircuts and then hating them. But this time I MUST let it grow, for it's been a goal of mine for awhile and I need to start putting action towards it. I will be hot! Just you wait.
Right now I want nothing more than June 5th to come. I'm going up north to stay a few days with him. Meeting the parents. Attending a wedding. Wearing a pretty dress. What girl would NOT look forward to this?
I'll depart with some good literature. Indulge, kids.
he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer
night, running the blade of the knife
under his fingernails, smiling, thinking
of all the letters he had received
telling him that
the way he lived and wrote about
that--
it had kept them going when
all seemed
truly
hopeless.
putting the blade on the table, he
flicked it with a finger
and it whirled
in a flashing circle
under the light.
who the hell is going to save
me? he
thought.
as the knife stopped spinning
the answer came:
you're going to have to
save yourself.
still smiling,
a: he lit a
cigarette
b: he poured
another
drink
c: gave the blade
another
spin.
Abort the cause and prevent the effect!
Love you all,
Charlot
Within the past few days, I've seen the titles of those I associate with change like shoes. This huge conglomeration of meaning and prominence took a part, and I think I can finally admit I'm happy with things. It's not to say I don't feel bad for hurting someone in the process, but with the way she manipulated the outcome in her hands, I don't feel guilty at all. Since my last post, a very dear friend of mine admitting to having feelings for me. And frankly, yeah. I've got those same feelings for him. With the way we've been talking [and trust me, there have been some pretty heavy conversation involved] I feel completely comfortable handing my time and effort to him. Yesterday I had this growing motivation to do this right for once-- and I plan on doing exactly that. I will not fall too fast. I will not let my own jealousy or insecurities get the best of me. I will not try to deprive him of his freedom. I simply want to come together naturally and easily as two human beings who have a mutal attraction and respect for one another. Considering we'll be going to school in the fall, I think we have just enough time to really get to know another over the summer and make something truly happen in August. It's exciting to have such an aspiration to look forward to, and it's even more exciting knowing that I'm helping myself become a better and more patient person in the process of this. However don't get the impression that I'm planning the future already, as I know quite well that doing that ultimately leads to disappointment. I'm just working towards something I see as completely worthy of my all. There will be a definite reason for any direction things go from now, and I'm keeping that open mind.
But you can't blame me for hoping for the best. At least I'm staying at ground level in doing so this time and not allowing myself and my dreams to float into the vast sky. I'm proud of how I'm handling this this time around -- it's a step from what I'd usually be doing in this situation.
And no, I don't like boys in trendy emo glasses more than you. But I may just like the concept of you wearing those trendy emo glasses more than the boys who wear them. Or maybe I just like you more than anything even remotely INVOLVING trendy emo glasses. :>
I have the biggest pit of reluctance in my stomach concerning work today. I know what you're thinking, "This girl always complains about work. It's nothing new." But today is different, I tell you. It's a really shitty shift [2-10:30] and I'm up front at the head register. I can generally manage those shifts and those circumstances well, but It involves being immensely awake and candy. Now considering I started a new diet today, I can't have the candy with me and water will end up being my only savior. I don't feel rested even though I got enough sleep. And I am bitter towards most of humanity. This is a day reserved for locking me in a cave, and instead I'm being thrown headfirst into society. I don't forsee this being the most ideal day.
So here's the plan before I go to college. I've decided that I'm actually going to put some effort towards feeling better about myself before I venture into this new place wth new faces and a new lifestyle. As I mentioned in a previous paragraph, I've started a new diet, which is basically a ghetto version of South Beach. [I say ghetto because I dont know the exact guidelines of how South Beath works, but I was told by someone who was on it what could and could not be eaten. That's all that matters anyways.] It's my goal to get myself down to 120 -- that means when I get to college and gain all that weight, it'll simply put me back to my normal weight and all my clothes will still fit. Consider it an economic decision! I'm also set on getting my face cleared up, but that's pretty much taken care of now that I've switched birth control and am on the Doxycycline, which should really clear it up. Finally, I want my hair to grow out. I've really got to have will power when I go to the stylist from now on, because I do have a very bad habit of getting impulse haircuts and then hating them. But this time I MUST let it grow, for it's been a goal of mine for awhile and I need to start putting action towards it. I will be hot! Just you wait.
Right now I want nothing more than June 5th to come. I'm going up north to stay a few days with him. Meeting the parents. Attending a wedding. Wearing a pretty dress. What girl would NOT look forward to this?
I'll depart with some good literature. Indulge, kids.
he sat naked and drunk in a room of summer
night, running the blade of the knife
under his fingernails, smiling, thinking
of all the letters he had received
telling him that
the way he lived and wrote about
that--
it had kept them going when
all seemed
truly
hopeless.
putting the blade on the table, he
flicked it with a finger
and it whirled
in a flashing circle
under the light.
who the hell is going to save
me? he
thought.
as the knife stopped spinning
the answer came:
you're going to have to
save yourself.
still smiling,
a: he lit a
cigarette
b: he poured
another
drink
c: gave the blade
another
spin.
Abort the cause and prevent the effect!
Love you all,
Charlot