(no subject)
I wonder, at times, what I am allowed to tell other people. I worry, too much, about coming off as a bitch. I feel that I may have trapped myself. Trapped in that I can no longer express my feelings with out seeming mean. The ones that truly do know me can take it. They have seen both sides. Actually...No they have not seen both sides in their entirety. Nobody has, besides my parents. But even her, I keep things from. My Dad, toward the end I tried to show him the things I am. But not all of them.
This started out differently, I have to say. I just don't know how to use it. It's too late now.
I want to be at ease in my own living space. Be it apartment, home, whatever. I don't feel as if I can rightfully take back what is mine. Solitude. No not solitude. A relaxed feeling, the use of my computer when I want to use it, my chair. I know it's stupid. The chair thing. I can sit somewhere else. Fuck. But that is not where I want to be. I can curl up in my chair. Turn to the side, bring my knees to my chin thus hugging my folded legs. Being alone with someone who makes me feel at ease. But that ease disappears when there is another. It's not polite. What I want to do. It's not polite.
I need to find a way to not care. Not care about what people think of me, the way I act. Not true.
Not true. Over-reacting, as usual. What to do?
I do enjoy the company. In moderation.
We moved here to escape the room-mate lifestyle.
And we walked right back into it.
I refuse to surrender.
This started out differently, I have to say. I just don't know how to use it. It's too late now.
I want to be at ease in my own living space. Be it apartment, home, whatever. I don't feel as if I can rightfully take back what is mine. Solitude. No not solitude. A relaxed feeling, the use of my computer when I want to use it, my chair. I know it's stupid. The chair thing. I can sit somewhere else. Fuck. But that is not where I want to be. I can curl up in my chair. Turn to the side, bring my knees to my chin thus hugging my folded legs. Being alone with someone who makes me feel at ease. But that ease disappears when there is another. It's not polite. What I want to do. It's not polite.
I need to find a way to not care. Not care about what people think of me, the way I act. Not true.
Not true. Over-reacting, as usual. What to do?
I do enjoy the company. In moderation.
We moved here to escape the room-mate lifestyle.
And we walked right back into it.
I refuse to surrender.