Happy Birthday to Me
Yeah. So its a cold, nasty Monday, and it's my birthday. Not that I'm complaining. I just thought that it's been awhile since I updated this damn thing, and since Paul asks me all the time when I'm going to update it, I guess I should. And what better time to update it then my bday? I don't know...
So a lot has gone on recently, so much so that I don't even know what to do anymore. To say my morals have gone down over the past year or so would be a gross understatement. I've done a lot of things I wish I could take back. Yes, this is the same girl who said she never regrets anything. I thought that if I acted sexier, perhaps a little sluttier (eh... I know...), guys would like me more. Maybe I could attract them with looks, but then make them like me for me.
But I learned that when you attract guys purely based on looks, that's all they ever think about you. And I'm tired of not being taken for who I am. I'm tired of people thinking that they can talk to me a certain way and that it's cool to expect things of me. That I'll just put out. But if that's the message that I give off, then of course that's all they are going to expect.
For a while that was fine. I didn't want a relationship, and I'm still not sure I do. But what I don't want (and what has been happening really recently) is guys deciding to give me a ring because they want a booty call. But can I blame them, when all I've done is led them to believe that is all I'm worth?
I realized that if I don't have any respect for myself, how can I expect anyone else to have respect for me. If I don't think I'm worth the wait, that a guy should get to know me first, then why should any random guy?
I'm not saying I'm a slut. I'm saying I'm giving off a persona that is so insanely not me. Or at least not the 'me' I want to be. I've messed up so many times. Going back with guys just for some action. Meeting new guys who only want action. Telling guys all I want is action. It's not true. It couldn't be any farther from the truth.
I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of attracting the wrong kind of guys. So then I try being myself this weekend. I try being relaxed, stay away from the guys who only enjoy the sex talk, and just be myself. Apparently that doesn't work either. Because the only girls who get the guys are the ones that throw themselves on them.
So, in order to attract a guy I have to act like a slut, but in order to keep a guy I have to act like myself. Does this make any sense? But then again, do guys make any sense? Especially the ones who claim to be sensitive and understanding. Who then go out and hook up with the first thing with boobs.
But I'm not placing blame. I'm not saying it's their fault. I just wish there was one guy out there who would, when I talk to them, ask questions about my day, be interested in what I do and who I am, not what my cup size is. I wish there was one guy who could be as devoted to me as I am to the guys I'm in to.
That is my birthday wish. That's all I want.
So a lot has gone on recently, so much so that I don't even know what to do anymore. To say my morals have gone down over the past year or so would be a gross understatement. I've done a lot of things I wish I could take back. Yes, this is the same girl who said she never regrets anything. I thought that if I acted sexier, perhaps a little sluttier (eh... I know...), guys would like me more. Maybe I could attract them with looks, but then make them like me for me.
But I learned that when you attract guys purely based on looks, that's all they ever think about you. And I'm tired of not being taken for who I am. I'm tired of people thinking that they can talk to me a certain way and that it's cool to expect things of me. That I'll just put out. But if that's the message that I give off, then of course that's all they are going to expect.
For a while that was fine. I didn't want a relationship, and I'm still not sure I do. But what I don't want (and what has been happening really recently) is guys deciding to give me a ring because they want a booty call. But can I blame them, when all I've done is led them to believe that is all I'm worth?
I realized that if I don't have any respect for myself, how can I expect anyone else to have respect for me. If I don't think I'm worth the wait, that a guy should get to know me first, then why should any random guy?
I'm not saying I'm a slut. I'm saying I'm giving off a persona that is so insanely not me. Or at least not the 'me' I want to be. I've messed up so many times. Going back with guys just for some action. Meeting new guys who only want action. Telling guys all I want is action. It's not true. It couldn't be any farther from the truth.
I'm tired of this game. I'm tired of attracting the wrong kind of guys. So then I try being myself this weekend. I try being relaxed, stay away from the guys who only enjoy the sex talk, and just be myself. Apparently that doesn't work either. Because the only girls who get the guys are the ones that throw themselves on them.
So, in order to attract a guy I have to act like a slut, but in order to keep a guy I have to act like myself. Does this make any sense? But then again, do guys make any sense? Especially the ones who claim to be sensitive and understanding. Who then go out and hook up with the first thing with boobs.
But I'm not placing blame. I'm not saying it's their fault. I just wish there was one guy out there who would, when I talk to them, ask questions about my day, be interested in what I do and who I am, not what my cup size is. I wish there was one guy who could be as devoted to me as I am to the guys I'm in to.
That is my birthday wish. That's all I want.