Fic: Don't Say (That You Love Me)

[cellochick92]

Title: Don't Say (That You Love Me)
Author: cellochick92
Disclaimer:  Nothing is mine!
Warning:  This fic deals with rape of a character and gay bashing.  If this is triggering for you, please read with caution.
Rating: M
Word Count: 11680 for this part
Summary:  Done for a prompt.  Different spin on Gobbler's End and why Effy was so panicked by Katie choking her.  Keffy pairing is endgame.  Two or three parts likely.   
A/N:  So this is my first Skins fic.  I'm endlessly intrigued by this pairing, and we all know I can't resist some down and dirty angst.  Hopefully I didn't butcher anything too terribly!  I know I've been kind of in hiding/MIA for a bit, but hopefully I can get back to posting again! =)

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Effy inhaled slowly, holding the breath for several beats before letting it spill from her lungs in a rush. She felt the slow burn at the back of her throat and felt the edges of her mind start to blur the tiniest of bits as the spliff worked its way into her system, and she relaxed her posture by the smallest of margins.

She was alone in her room, but she could distantly hear the sound of Anthea drunkenly shouting at people who weren't around any more. Her mother had gone downhill sharply over the last month or so, and Effy didn't think she had seen her sober in at least that long. It was a shame, really, because if there had ever been a time when she might have used a mother who cared, now was certainly it. Unfortunately, she was stuck with a bloody alcoholic who couldn't see anything past the end of her fucking bottle. All together, the odds of her mother giving a fuck about her weren't good, and Effy felt a twinge of loneliness creep over her at the thought.

Inhaling one more time and then watching the last dying embers fizzle into nothingness, Effy dropped the remnants of the stub out the window and turned back to her room. It was a mess, which might have bothered her a few weeks ago, but now she couldn't quite bring herself to care. Dirty clothes were strewn about, her bed was unmade, and there was a faint scent of stale spliff hanging in the air.

Stepping over a crumpled shirt, Effy stretched out on the floor, not even bothering to drag herself into her bed. It seemed a bit pointless when she knew that she would spend half the night up anyways, plagued by apparitions of a heavy weight on top of her, stubble scratching against her cheek as the sharp scent of alcohol and musky cologne burned her nose. She had been having nightmares for weeks now- she couldn't remember the last time she got a decent sleep in, and even if she fell asleep, more nights than not she woke up with a scream lodged in her throat, phantom hands round her throat.

Cringing and curling into a ball on her side, Effy pillowed her head on her arm and tried to remind herself how to breathe. If she kept this up, then all the drugs and alcohol in the world weren't going to be enough to numb her, and so she resolutely forced her mind blank. She had made it through bad times before, and she would do it again. She shoved the whispers of doubt out of her mind, knowing that the second she admitted how unsure she was about whether she would actually survive this, the battle would be lost and it would be as good as giving up. She just had to keep trying and hoping that things would get better, and the first step in that direction was getting a full night's sleep.

Focusing on the blurred feeling of the hard floor beneath her and the scratchy texture of her sweater against her cheek, Effy shut her eyes and hoped for the best.

/

Effy only woke up feeling like she was suffocating three times that night, and she counted it as a victory.

/

The harsh light of the sun bled through her curtains, highlighting the dark shadows under her eyes. Using the corner of the bed to help drag herself into a standing position, Effy stumbled to the bathroom, brushing her teeth to try to clean away the grime of the previous night. Spitting into the sink, she glanced up into the mirror and nearly flinched at her own reflection. Fuck if she didn't look like total shit. What was that saying that Katie Fitch was so fond of? Microwaved shit? A smile almost touched the corner of Effy's mouth as she imagined the twin berating her for her appearance.

Grimacing, Effy wiped away the smeared eye-liner from the day before, simultaneously trying to tame her hair. She looked young and scared without her make-up to hide behind, and she angrily swiped thick streaks of eye-liner and shadow to try to put together some semblance of her old self. She looked closer to normal once her eyes were done up, and she managed to tease her hair into messy curls. There was no way in hell she was going to shower before school- she was already going to be late, and it honestly didn't seem worth the effort.

Going back into her room, she threw on some clothing, noting with a detached sort of interest that she must have lost weight because she practically disappeared in the folds of her shirt. Unable to be bothered to do much else, Effy grabbed the bottle of vodka off of her dresser where she had set it the night before, taking a couple long swigs and savouring the burn as it slid down her throat. School was bad enough as it was- going sober was out of the question. These days the world seemed a little too bright, a little too menacing, and the only way Effy knew how to tone it down was through liquor and drugs.

Glancing at the clock and noting it was already well past nine, Effy sighed and grabbed her bag before stepping out the door.

/

Whispers trailed her down the hall, and Effy briefly entertained the idea of murdering some of the louder individuals. It wasn't that she really cared that people were talking about her- that was certainly nothing new- but she was worried what the topics of conversation might be. The last thing she needed was some nosy prick prying into her life looking for juicy details. Effy knew that she had done a decent enough job of keeping up appearances so far, but if anyone stopped and took the time to probe, the illusion would fall apart all too quickly.

Her train of thought was interrupted as she walked by Freddie, who looked at her with wounded eyes as she passed. He hadn't understood when she had snapped at him the week before- she couldn't (wouldn't) tell him what was wrong when he tried to talk to her, and had made do with half-hearted excuses.

He had heard as soon as she broke up with Cook- who was more than pissed- and had thought that maybe they could have a chance even though he was still with Katie. She hadn't been able to totally focus on what he was saying, catching bits of sentences about how he could break up with Katie for her, and she had panicked. There was no way she could keep up with him pushing for a relationship of any sort with the state she was in, not till she sorted herself out, and she certainly couldn't handle sex, or really any physical contact for that matter.

There was no way for her to explain that to him without having to give details as to the why, though, and so she had opted for shoving him away instead. It wasn't his fault that he was caught in the crossfire of her life, but it wasn't hers either, and when he had started yelling she had left. She had wanted to try to make it as painless as possible for him, because she really did think that they might have had a shot eventually once he and Katie were over, but his raised voice and the look in his eye had been too much all at once, and her survival instinct overrode any desire to preserve their chances.

In the days since, he had been shooting her hurt looks at every opportunity. She knew that he didn't understand, but it was taking everything she had just to keep herself afloat, and fuck if she had any energy left over to try to make Freddie feel better about himself.

Continuing on down the hall without even acknowledging the boy, Effy turned a corner and nearly ran into Naomi and Emily. Her eyes locked with Naomi's for a split second before she glanced away, brushing past them and turning into her class. She could tell Naomi was worried about her- they weren't exactly friends, but the blonde could at least tell that something was different, and Effy was trying to put off the inevitable questioning for as long as possible. Sitting down at a desk on the fringe of the class, she leaned back in her seat and waited for the rest of the class to fill.

As students finished trickling in the professor started lecturing, and Effy found herself wishing she had just skipped the day altogether. The only reason she was sitting in the stupid uncomfortable chair was because she had to keep up some form of appearances if she wanted to deflect unwanted scrutiny, but that seemed like less and less of a worthwhile reason every day.

Effy felt eyes boring into her, and tried not to shudder at the feeling. Lifting her head and turning, she saw Katie Fitch glaring at her from a few seats over. The redhead was still holding some sort of grudge over Cook, or Freddie, or some other tosser- Effy honestly didn't know, and she didn't care enough to find out. She found it almost laughable that the redhead was so threatened by her. Once upon a time, she might have revelled in having that power over the smaller girl, but she was so far removed from her old life at this point that she couldn't bring herself to care any more.

All she knew was that there was no way in hell she was going to be stealing any boys away from Katie with promises of sex in the near future, and the accusing glare that was being directed at her was doing nothing to help her mood. Arching an eyebrow, Effy stared back at Katie until the smaller girl huffed and looked back to the front of the class, clearly displeased. Zoning out, Effy found herself being lulled into a light doze by the monotonous sound of the professor's voice.

Time must have passed without her being aware of it, because the next thing she knew someone was clearing their throat next to her. Startling only for a moment, Effy quickly smoothed her features back into a mask of indifference, looking up and finding Naomi standing there awkwardly. The blonde shifted her weight from one foot to the other, pausing for a moment to try to figure out why she was risking life and limb by talking to the brunette. Sighing, she decided she might as well just go for it, and said, "Eff, there's a group of us going camping over the weekend. You ought to come, get out for a bit. Nobody has seen you lately, and the Effy Stonem I know wouldn't stand for her reputation going to shit like that."

The brunette was torn between laughing and screaming at Naomi that the Effy she knew was gone and wouldn't be back any time soon, but she opted for considering the offer in silence. If people were starting to notice her absence from the clubs then camping might be a good chance to lay some rumours to rest and put up a good front for everyone. On the other hand, it would also likely mean dealing with Freddie, Katie, and whoever else might tag along all at once, and none of them were particularly fond of her at the moment. She knew that the only reason Naomi was even talking to her was probably because Emily had put her up to it out of pity. She might have been lower than ever before, but Effy Stonem was nobody's fucking charity project.

Mentally calculating the risks and benefits of accepting the invite, Effy groaned internally as she realized it would probably be a worthwhile venture. She nodded at Naomi, who immediately perked up in relief, obviously having expected more of a fight. "Great! We're leaving Friday afternoon, we'll swing by your house round 4:30 and pick you up, yeah?" Not bothering to wait for a response, the blonde shot a small smile at Effy and hurried from the room, leaving the brunette sitting there wondering what she had just gotten herself into.

/

The bell rang for a second time, and Effy contemplated scrapping the trip altogether, her reputation be damned. The week had gone steadily downhill- sleep had been out of the question, and food was pretty well out too. She had no appetite, and she didn't think that she would have been able to keep anything down anyway, so what was the point in trying?

Lying on her bed seemed the best way to spend the weekend, and she let her eyes close in the moments of silence as the ring of the bell faded. Effy was startled upright by a sudden pounding on the front door, and she cursed under her breath. From the sounds of it someone had decided that she was coming along even if it meant standing outside her door for ages, which meant that she wouldn't be getting any peace and quiet till she gave in.

Sighing in resignation, Effy stood and threw on a shirt and leggings, grabbing a jacket on a whim as she slipped out of her room and headed down the stairs. Anthea was laying on the couch and didn't bother looking up as she muttered, "Bout time someone fucking shut them up. Been banging for a good five minutes now, fucking took your time getting down here."

Ignoring her mother, Effy paused before opening the door, schooling her features into her usual disinterested smirk. She opened the door and was immediately faced with Naomi standing there, an impatient look on her face. "Told you we would be here, didn't I?"

Shrugging her shoulders, Effy wordlessly followed the blonde to the waiting car where Emily was standing, fighting back a grimace when the car window rolled down and she was faced with a glaring Katie Fitch. Giving the brunette a once-over, Katie rolled her window back up without another word. Naomi shot a brief apologetic look at Effy before ushering her into the back seat and clambering in after, followed closely by Emily.

Effy immediately pressed herself up against the window, scanning the car quickly and noting that Freddie was driving, Katie was seated next to him, and Panda, Thomas, and JJ were seated in the middle. Effy jumped slightly as Naomi reached over and tapped her on the arm to get her attention. The blonde looked at her with a hint of concern but didn't ask, instead telling her that they were headed for Gobbler's End. Effy just nodded and turned her attention back out the window, watching as the scenery sped by and they got farther and farther outside of the city. If she could just keep it together long enough to spend the night and convince everyone she was fine, then everything might be okay.

When they pulled into a gas station and stopped Effy looked around, hearing Katie's frustrated voice cursing the map as Freddie got out of the car to put some gas in. Glancing at Naomi, who was too engrossed in Emily to notice, Effy sighed and leaned back in her seat. She was thankful that the two of them had started to come around, at least, because it had been getting fucking old watching them dance around each other constantly. Effy clamped down on a memory of the last time she and Emily had even come close to addressing the topic, fighting back a wave of panic and trying to busy herself looking out the window at the other gas station patrons.

Katie stomped out of the vehicle still muttering under her breath and went towards the store just as another vehicle pulled up on the other side of the pump. Three men got out and Effy could feel their eyes on her, appraising her through the car windows as they walked past and then stopped outside her window. One of them grinned and leaned forward, his face nearly pressed up against the glass, and winked at her.

The biggest man was talking to Freddie, pointing out on the map where they needed to go, but Effy couldn't focus on anything except the man outside her window. He was big (big enough to hold her down) and she could feel his leering like a physical touch. Dimly, she felt Naomi's arm press into her back as she unconsciously leaned back from the window, trying desperately to put at least some space between them. He pressed his hand to the window and opened his mouth to say something, but all of a sudden car doors were opening and closing and they were driving off. The man waved at her as the car moved away, and Effy forced down the urge to vomit. Once they were out of sight of the gas station, she let out the breath she hadn't realized she was holding in a gasp, sagging against the window.

Thankfully Naomi and Emily were still off in their own little world and didn't seem to have noticed anything was wrong, and Effy closed her eyes and worked to even out her breathing. Opening her eyes and staring out the window at the rolling hills served to distract her just enough to calm her physical reactions down, and she inhaled once before slowly letting the breath out. She didn't know how much time had passed exactly before they slowed and turned off the main road and into a wooded area. It was actually quite lovely, and as they pulled through slowly Effy found herself wondering if maybe this was a good idea after all.

As they slowed to a stop in a clearing a few hundred yards off of the dirt road, she watched as everyone piled out of the car and started grabbing things to set up. Most of the group seemed to want to get things at least a bit put together before they started drinking, which she had no complaints about . Katie and Freddie seemed to be having a bit of a row off to the side, and Freddie kept glancing over, not quite making eye contact but still obviously looking.

Sliding out of the car, Effy wandered over to the edge of the camp site and leaned against a tree, inhaling the earthy scent of the forest and trying to let it calm her. She closed her eyes for a second, and when she opened them found herself suddenly faced with an angry Katie Fitch. The redhead stalked up to her and hissed, "Stay the fuck away from my boyfriend, yeah? I know you're a fucking slag, but you fuck him and I'll fucking kill you."

Effy regarded the smaller girl emotionlessly until she huffed and stomped off towards the rest of the group.

Sighing, Effy felt some of her initial hope for the trip evaporate and she turned and wandered off into the woods. Hopefully taking a walk would give Katie enough time to get over herself, and it would also give the brunette a chance to collect herself. After walking for a few minutes, Effy sat down on a relatively clear patch of ground, feeling herself relax the tiniest bit as she breathed in the damp smell of the leaves and listened to the quiet sounds of the forest.

Laying back, she looked up at the sunlight streaming through the canopy of trees and though for a moment how nice it would be to never leave this place. Never go back to college, to her shit home, to false appearances every moment of every day. It was calm in the woods, and calm was something in short supply in her life these days (but really since forever).

Turning her head to the side, Effy felt her lips curve up into the smallest of smiles as her eyes honed in on a cluster of mushrooms growing on some roots. Sitting up hastily and scooting over to look at them more closely, Effy nearly smiled as she started gathering them into her jacket. They were definitely magic mushrooms, and they were just what she needed to convince everyone else that she was fine. Shrooms were something the old Effy would have loved, and it would likely be all the proof that the group needed to see that she was fine. She wasn't going to actually do any herself- it would be far too risky, especially if she had a bad trip- but nobody else needed to know that.

Standing and holding her jacket carefully so as not to drop any, Effy turned and started walking back in the direction of the camp. When she got there, she couldn't help the small wistful smile that barely touched the corners of her mouth as she watched the gang messing about and laughing together. She wished sometimes that her life had been different, that she could act as carefree and happy as the other people in group.

She would never admit it out loud, but she had always been just the tiniest bit jealous of people like Panda, who were able to be themselves, consequences and perceptions be damned. Effy knew that there was no way she could ever let herself be so present in every moment, every action- there were too many moments in her life that had been shit, too many people she had fucked and been fucked over by. She would probably kill herself if she wasn't able to distance herself from the people around her- any time she let someone get close to her people just ended up hurt.

Panda noticed her standing at the edge of the clearing and came bouncing over, grabbing her hand and tugging her towards the rest of the group. Effy let herself be pulled over, balancing her jacket on one arm so as not to drop any of the shrooms. Naomi wandered over, dragging Emily behind her, and she arched an eyebrow at Effy. "What you have there, Eff?"

Effy smirked, and when she saw the answering glint in Naomi's eyes, she thought that the shrooms might have been the best thing that could have happened.

/

In hindsight, the shrooms were the fucking beginning of the end.

/

Effy wasn't entirely sure how things spiralled out of control so quickly. The whole group had been happy and messing around in the clearing...well, minus Katie, but she seemed determined to be a bitch to everyone since Freddie was ignoring her, so she was standing off on the edges of the woods. Effy knew that the redhead was pissed at her for bringing the shrooms back, as she didn't want to get high and hated feeling left out, but she figured the twin would get over it.

In the meantime, everyone else was having a brilliant time, with perhaps the only other exception being Effy herself. Effy had been alternating between pretending to be fucking high as a kite and making sure that nobody killed themselves on accident, and it had been right exhausting. She just wanted to fuck off for a few minutes in the quiet of the woods, and she doubted anyone would even notice she was missing, so she just picked a direction and started walking.

After a few minutes, the glow of the fire and the screams from their camp site had faded into the quiet hum of the forest, lit only by the moon and a few stars peeking through the trees. Exhaling in relief, Effy leaned back against the broad trunk of a tree and let her eyes slide closed. She stayed that way for a long moment, enjoying the fresh air and quiet, but she was startled from her reverie by the sound of a twig snapping and footsteps approaching.

Her heart jumped into her throat and she pressed herself against the trunk of the tree, trying her hardest not to make a sound. She had no idea who would be out with her, and she tried to ignore the pounding of her heart and dryness of her mouth as her mind concocted insane scenarios in which he had found her again. She heard whoever it was stumble and then curse, and she exhaled with relief as she recognized the voice. Stepping out from behind the tree, she looked at the other person. "Katie? What are you doing out here?"

"Following you, obviously," The other girl answered crossly, clearly irritated. "I didn't bank on you going for a fucking midnight hike in the woods."

Tilting her head to the side in confusion, Effy waited for Katie to explain why she had been following her in the first place and nearly giving her a heart attack in the process. The redhead glared at her and crossed her arms. "Why do you have to be such a fucking bitch all the time? I just wanted to remind you of what we talked about earlier. Just 'cause you thought you'd be clever and bring back some fucking shrooms, it doesn't mean he's suddenly going to go for you, yeah?"

Effy shrugged. She still didn't understand why Katie had followed her all the way out here just to tell her that. If the redhead hadn't gotten that she wasn't interested in Freddie any more, then she didn't know how else to get the message across.

Katie took a step closer to Effy so they were only a few inches apart, and hissed, "Stop looking so fucking smug. God, you think you're so much better than the rest of us."

Effy opened her mouth to protest, but Katie shoved her back before she could say anything. She felt her footing slip and grabbed blindly, catching Katie's arm at the last second. Instead of catching them both, however, Katie lost her footing as well, sending them both toppling to the ground. Effy landed underneath the other girl and her body immediately tensed at the weight on top of her. She started to struggle, trying to shove Katie off of her, but all that the frantic movements did was enrage the redhead.

Katie sat up just a little on top of Effy, keeping her pinned, and Effy recoiled at the hatred burning in the other girl's eyes. "You fucking bitch, what the fuck was that? Are you trying to kill me?" Katie's voice was harsh and Effy bucked her body upwards, just trying to get out from under her. Katie became even angrier as Effy's movements grew more erratic, and her hands fell to the brunette's shoulders as she tried to hold her down.

As Effy continued to move desperately, one of Katie's hands slipped from her shoulder onto her neck, and Katie pressed down, just trying to keep Effy still. She moved her other hand so that it was also pressing down on Effy's neck and prayed that it would be enough to restrain the brunette until she calmed the fuck down. She hadn't come out into the woods looking for a physical confrontation, and she was worried about how it might look if Effy got away and ran back to the camp.

The thought of what everyone would think and say if Effy told them what had happened caused panic to flare in Katie, and she pressed down harder without realizing it. She would lose Freddie, she was sure of it, and the thought of Effy taking one more person away from her caused Katie's fear to spike even higher. Her weight settle more firmly on Effy's chest as her hands clenched ever tighter around the brunette's neck, and all of the factors together were enough to break the girl underneath her.

Effy knew, on some level, that it was just Katie above her and not anyone else. But when hands closed around her throat and weight settled onto her chest...pure panic flooded her system and in her mind she saw him smirking at her, showing her how big he was, telling her he would make sure she never forgot the best fuck of her life.

It felt like everything was happening all over again- she wasn't in the forest any longer, but in the alley with him on top of her choking the life out of her. She couldn't re-live that- wouldn't survive a second time- and her hands scrabbled for purchase against the ground. Soft earth crumbled beneath her fingertips, but suddenly Effy felt a hard corner, and without thinking she grasped it and brought it up and into the side of her attacker's head.

The pressure on her windpipe loosened, but Effy could still see him laughing at her, telling her she needed to be at her best so she could remember what was about to happen. A screeching voice cut through her panicked haze as someone yelled, "You fucking hit me with a fucking rock, you fucking cunt!"

That voice...somehow she recognized it...suddenly it hit her. Katie. Katie wasn't supposed to be here, though. That wasn't right. But if Katie was here, then Emily was bound to be nearby, and oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. He was going to hurt Emily too. Hands wrapped around her arms and Effy felt a scream bubbling up in her throat, everything that she had held in threatening to burst out all at once. Someone was saying her name, but she couldn't see who. Oh god. Emily. She had to warn her. Had to save her. Who was saying her name?

The hands on her moved, and she was surrounded by arms all of a sudden, and she was confused. This hadn't happened. He hadn't held her like this. It had to be someone else. Oh god where was he? Where had he gone? Someone was still saying her name, asking her questions. Their voice was persistent, and Effy could almost make out what they were saying. Trying to focus, Effy heard Katie's voice again telling her that she had to calm down, that she needed to breathe.

Trying to focus on the voice, Effy felt the alley and him melting away into the dark corners of her mind and the forest slowly came back into focus. She was on the ground, that much she knew...taking stock of her body, she felt something in her hand and looked down to see a small rock clutched tightly in her fist. Turning her awareness outwards, she realized she was in someone's arms... there was a flash of hair and it hit her. Katie. She was in Katie's arms. How had that happened?

Looking up to find the twin's face, Effy noted with a level of detachment that Katie was looking at her with fear in her eyes, though she couldn't tell what she was afraid of. As her eyes focused on Katie, she saw the redhead's lips moving, and she shook her head.

"What?"

Before the redhead could repeat herself, Effy's eyes caught a small trickle of blood running down her temple. Her fingers reached out of their own accord, and Katie flinched away from them. Effy felt nausea rise in her as she looked at the gash on Katie's head and then down at the rock still clutched tightly in her hand, the pieces falling into place.

She had been imagining things.

He hadn't come back for her, and instead of lashing out and hurting him, she had hurt Katie instead.

She scrambled away from Katie as fast as she could, only making it a few meters away before emptying what little was in her stomach onto the ground. She had never wanted to hurt the redhead, but it had all felt so real, like she was back in that alley...Effy heard Katie trying to say something to her, maybe a question, but she didn't stop to listen. She turned and looked at the other girl, just long enough to take in the wound on her head and the look in her eyes, before turning and stumbling off into the woods.

/

Effy couldn't for the life of her remember how she made it all the way back to Bristol and into her bed, and she didn't much care. She just wanted to sleep, and maybe when she woke up everything would go back to normal and the last month of her life would melt away like a bad dream.

/

Emily sat in class, staring at Effy's empty seat worriedly. Nobody had seen Effy since Gobbler's End, and god knew that had been a fucking mess, but it had been over a week since then.

Katie had stumbled back into their camp around midnight and Naomi had flipped at the sight of blood trickling down the girl's temple. Emily, Naomi, and JJ had gotten into the car to drive Katie to hospital to make sure that she didn't need medical attention, while Panda and Thomas had stayed to look for Effy, who had disappeared at some point. Even when she didn't turn up, nobody had been too terribly concerned, because it wasn't like Effy was the most reliable of people even under the best of circumstances.

Emily had been too distracted by worrying over her sister to even think about Effy when the nurse came to take Katie back for evaluation. Katie had ended up getting three stitches, and the doctors said she might have a bad headache for a week or so, but other than that she would be perfectly fine.

It was only after everything had died down that Emily had looked at her twin and asked how she had hurt herself. Guilt had flashed quickly across Katie's face as she shrugged and muttered something about falling and hitting her head on a rock. Emily didn't buy it for a second, but she hadn't thought it the best time to drill Katie on it.

Now, though...she made a mental note to make Katie tell her what had really happened, one way or another, as soon as they got out of school.

/

Emily shot Naomi a smile in farewell as she grabbed Katie's arm and near dragged her down the steps of the school and onto the street. Katie protested, but Emily cut her off. "What the hell happened in the woods, Katie? I know you didn't fucking hit your head falling, and nobody's seen Eff in over a week. Did you do something?"

Katie looked away quickly, mumbling, "I didn't do shit, Ems, I already told you what happened."

Glaring at her sister, Emily sighed. "Kay. Please. I'm worried about Effy, okay? Something's not right..."

"Since when do you care about Effy Stonem?" Katie's voice was surprised, a little bit suspicious. "Last I checked she would barely give you the fucking time of day."

Emily paused. "She helped me out a couple weeks ago at a pub...I was out alone and being stupid, and she sort of saved me."

Katie felt her breath catch. She could still see in her mind the terror on Effy's face as she cried out and kept mumbling about how he was going to hurt Emily. Feeling a sudden swell of panic, she asked, "Saved you from who? What happened?"

Emily looked at her strangely before shrugging and saying, "Just some guys. She got me home and mad sure I was safe, that's all. But still, I feel like I owe it to her to at least make sure she's okay, and if something happened at Gobbler's End then I want to know about it!"

Katie averted her eyes, looking at the ground while she muttered, "I followed her out into the woods, and we might have fought. Okay? Happy?"

Emily raised an eyebrow. "Is that how you got hurt? Fighting with Effy?"

Deciding that Emily didn't need to know all of the details, Katie nodded. "Yeah. She ran off after. That's all I know, I swear, Ems!"

Narrowing her eyes at her sister, Emily thought for a second before saying, "Fine. But since it's your fault she ran off in the first place, you get to go over to her house and make sure she's all right." Emily raised her hand, cutting Katie's protests off before she could even open her mouth. "I don't want to hear your excuses, Kay. Just go and make sure she's okay, yeah?"

Katie shrugged in defeat. Truth be told, she wanted to interrogate Effy about what had happened with Emily to make sure her sister wasn't lying, so this might actually work to her advantage. As Katie started down the pavement towards home, Emily stopped her. "No. Go now. I don't want to see you at home till you can tell me that you saw Effy and she's fine."

Groaning, Katie swore under her breath before turning and heading in the opposite direction. Effy had better be home, or she was going to be royally pissed about making the trek all the way over.

/

Lying curled up in her bed, Effy had come to the realization that things weren't getting any better, and weren't likely to either. She hadn't left her room for more than five minutes at a time since Gobbler's End- her bed was the last safe haven she had, and leaving it for any length of time was too daunting to imagine. The rest of the world had ceased to matter, and Effy found herself drifting in a sort of limbo state where she couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't do anything but wish she were dead...which was how she found herself sitting in the bathroom, razor in her hand, silently mulling over what she was about to do.

All week she had been thinking about whether or not she could go through with it, but she honestly couldn't see any other way out of things. Her life had gone to shit, and there was nobody she could talk to about how fucked up everything had gotten. She had gone so far as to dial Tony's number before realizing that, even if he did pick up, there was no way in hell she could explain to him what had happened.

Maybe if there had been someone for her to talk to, someone who could tell her things would be all right, maybe then things would have been different. By herself, though, there was no way Effy could hold everything together. What had happened to her was bad enough- she doubted if she would ever be able to fully escape from the memories that haunted her.

Ever since Gobbler's End, she had been slipping in and out of her memories, unable to tell what was real and what was hallucination. Every shadow in her room spooked her, could send her spiralling back to that night, and she could constantly hear his voice coming from the walls, mocking her and promising he would come back for her. Sometimes she would hear his voice taunting her about what had happened in the woods with Katie- how he was proud of what she had done, and that she seemed a natural at hurting people. That was probably the worst. Hearing him laugh and force her to remember what she had done, the look on Katie's face before she fled into the forest. Effy felt like she was going crazy with fear- there was nowhere she could go that was safe from him, not even her own room.

Even when he wasn't talking to her from the shadows, she still couldn't get the memory of that night in the woods out of her mind. Effy was certainly no angel, and she had done more than her fair share of hurting people, but she had never physically harmed anyone. Fucking with people's minds and boyfriends was all fine and well, but hitting someone over the head with a rock?

What was more, she had done it because she had thought she was being attacked again- the line between memory and reality was blurred beyond recognition, and the thought that plagued Effy now was that she was a danger to everyone around her. She knew she was lucky that Katie hadn't been more seriously hurt, but next time? What if she grabbed a knife instead of a rock? What then?

The voice from the shadows answered her easily.

Then you become like me.

That thought was what had driven her here, to the bathroom floor. She couldn't keep going like this, and in the end her decision was an easy one. The constant terror and flashbacks, paired with the knowledge that she was a danger to the people around her, left her no other options. Leaning back against the counter, Effy brought the razor up and pressed it to the skin of her arm.

What are you doing?

The shadows were enraged, and Effy flinched slightly.

You can't do this! If you do then you'll be letting me win.

Effy shook her head and murmured, "No. You only win if I become like you and hurt someone." Without waiting for the shadows to respond, Effy pressed the blade into her skin and pulled it down the length of her arm in a smooth motion. With the train tracks, not across. She wasn't going to let this be one more thing she fucked up, and so she couldn't take the risk of just cutting her wrists and not having it be enough to do the job.

Blood immediately swelled from the deep cut, running in rivulets down her arm and onto the floor. Effy felt a wave of light-headedness sweep over her, forcing her to ease herself back until she was laying on the floor. Everything dimmed, and she could vaguely hear the shadows screaming angrily at her.

As the world continued to fade, so did the voices, until finally there was only silence.

/

Katie rang the bell more insistently, but there was still no response. "Fucking cunt better not be ignoring me," she muttered, impatient and tired of waiting. She raised her fist and went to pound on the door, but as soon as her hand came in contact with the wood of the door, it swung open.

Katie looked around, at the street and then back at the door, before calling inside. "Hello? Is anyone in there?" When she didn't hear anything from inside, she cautiously took a step in. She looked at the door and saw that it just hadn't been shut all the way- whoever had left last obviously hadn't cared enough to make sure it latched.

"Hello?" Her voice sounded out of place and too loud in the silence of the house, and she didn't call out again. She looked around at the disarray, wondering where the hell Anthea was. She had heard stories about Effy's mother, and apparently things had only gotten worse in recent weeks. There were broken bottles littering the couch and floor, newspaper scattered around the room, and an unpleasant smell lingering in the air.

Wrinkling her nose, Katie wished that Effy would just walk through the door looking like her old self with her trademark smirk so that she could ask her about Ems and then leave. Climbing the stairs slowly, Katie walked down a narrow hallway, glancing in the rooms along the way. It felt a little like spying, but she couldn't seem to help herself. Effy was such a mystery that Katie felt justified in taking whatever chance she got to try to learn something about what made the other girl tick. Unfortunately, all of the rooms were bare and there didn't seem to be any indication that anyone even lived there.

Only one of the doors was closed, and Katie knocked quietly before stepping inside. She knew it was Effy's room the second she stepped through the door, but it seemed like the brunette hadn't cleaned in weeks and had stopped caring about what things looked like. The bed looked well-used, the sheets and comforter tangled and twisted in a complex jumble. Wandering farther into the room, Katie stepped over a pile of clothes and sat gingerly on the edge of the bed.

She was surprised to feel a hint of residual warmth coming from the sheets, and she glanced quickly around the room. If the bed was still warm, then Effy couldn't have gotten out of it very long ago. The brunette had to be somewhere in the house, and Katie was suddenly frustrated that the other girl had ignored her so blatantly. She had already checked most of the rooms in the house, and she looked around for where the other girl might be hiding. A small door leading off the side of Effy's room caught her eye and she walked over. The door was slightly ajar, and Katie pushed it open without bothering to knock.

The first thing she saw was Effy lying on the floor, unmoving, and the second was the pool of blood around her. Katie stared for a moment, uncomprehending, before she realized that she wasn't hallucinating. She dropped to her knees beside the brunette, mumbling "Please don't be dead, Eff," as she reached out a finger to touch the smaller girl's cheek. It was still warm, and Katie felt clumsily for a pulse, praying that she would find one. It was weak and fluttery but it was there, and Katie gasped in relief.

Springing into action, she pulled out her phone to call for help, fingers shaking as she dialled 999. A calm voice came on the line and said, "Emergency. Which service?" Glancing back at Effy, Katie tried to remain calm as she replied, "Ambulance." There was a click on the line as she was transferred, and then a new voice came on the line. The operator asked what had happened, and Katie looked around in confusion.

She didn't actually know what had happened to Effy, only that she was badly hurt. Under the operator's direction, Katie scanned Effy's body for any sort of injury, and she felt like she had been punched in the stomach hen she finally saw the gash on Effy's arm. Her voice was shaky as she told the operator that she thought Effy might have tried to kill herself, and the operator assured her that help would be arriving shortly, if she could just stay on the line.

Katie's mind was whirling- would Effy really have done such a thing? She didn't think that Effy was that type of person, but then, she wasn't exactly friends with the girl so maybe she just didn't know any better. Katie inched forwards until she could gently take one of Effy's hands between her own, and she was struck by how cold and clammy it was.  Effy was lying there and all Katie could think about was how she was so, so still.  She was struck by how truly motionless Effy was, and her panic threatened to overwhelm her as she realized that Effy might never move again.

She heard a door banging downstairs and moments later heard multiple feet coming up the stairs, and then suddenly there were medics swarming inside the small space, prying her away from Effy's body and ushering her out into the bedroom. Not long after, a team of medics carried Effy out of the bathroom and down the stairs, and there was silence for a few moments before Katie heard the sirens go as the ambulance drove off.

A medic came back up the stairs and approached Katie. She looked up at him fearfully and asked, "Is she going to be all right?"

He shook his head. "I don't know, but we'll do the best we can. We're taking her to St. Michael's if you'd like to meet us there. We'll need you to come in and give a statement anway, and we might be able to give you more information on her condition once we've got her there."

Katie nodded slowly. She felt like she was in a fog, like everything was muted and blurred. She watched as the medic stood and went back down the stairs, and she listened as a car started and drove away. Standing slowly, Katie walked down the stairs and started off for St. Michael's. It was a ten minute walk, but it seemed like the second she stepped out Effy's door she was looking up at the doors to the building. She walked inside and looked about, searching for someone who might know something about Effy.

A nurse approached her and asked, "Are you in need of treatment?" Katie looked around, thinking that the nurse must be talking to someone else, but she was standing by herself and nobody was around her.

"Miss?" The nurse prompted again. "Where are you hurt?"

Confused, Katie looked down and was surprised to see blood coating her leggings, probably from kneeling on the floor, and her hands were quite bloody as well. Shaking her head, she said, "No, I'm fine, I'm here to see my friend. She just got brought in. Her name's Effy Stonem."

The nurse nodded and went behind a desk to check something on the computer. Coming back round, she said, "Miss Stonem can't be seen yet, but I'll send you up to the waiting room. If you take that elevator there up to the fourth floor, you'll be able to see the waiting area. Someone will come and find you there when they have any news about your friend."

Katie nodded, mumbling a thank you, before heading in the direction the nurse had pointed. In the elevator on the way up, she sagged against the wall. It felt like she had run a marathon and then gotten hit by a truck right after...but it wouldn't matter as long as Effy was okay. The door pinged as she arrived at the correct floor, and Katie walked slowly into the waiting area. There was one other person there, a middle-aged man, but he seemed oblivious to her presence so she ignored him and sat in a corner by herself.

She sat there in a daze for what seemed like years until finally, finally, a doctor walked through the doors and came over to her. "You're Katie?" He asked. She nodded, unable to force the question she desperately wanted to ask out of her mouth. He seemed to know what it was anyways, and said, "Miss Stonem is alive and awake, but she had a very close call. If you hadn't called us when you did, it's likely she would have died. I've got some clean scrubs for you to change into, and after you're cleaned up a bit then you can go in and see her."

Katie numbly took the scrubs from the doctor, mechanically walking over to the bathroom to change. Effy had almost died. If Emily hadn't made her go over there when she did, the brunette would be dead. It was too much to wrap her mind around, that she was the only reason Effy was still alive.

Katie pulled the scrubs on without even thinking about how disgustingly boring and low-fashion they were; all she cared about was seeing Effy with her own eyes to make sure that the other girl was really all right. Walking back out of the bathroom, Katie nodded slightly at the doctor and then followed him as he moved briskly down the hall.

/

Katie stepped into the room, shutting the door behind her silently. Effy was lying on the bed, staring blankly at the far wall, and Katie approached her slowly.

"Effy?" Her voice was soft, trying not to spook the other girl, but there was no response. There was a thick bandage running the entire length of her left arm, and various tubes and wires were hooked up to the girl. Katie went around to the other side of the bed and gently reached out and touched Effy's hand. "Eff? Are you all right?"

The touch seemed to break Effy out of whatever trance she had been in, and she turned her head slowly towards Katie. She blinked slowly, as though she couldn't believe her eyes, and Katie felt like crying at how tentative her voice was when she asked, "Katie?"

Katie nodded. "Yeah, you daft cow. Who else would I be?"

Effy just stared at her with those huge fucking eyes all full of sorrow and guilt, and the brunette shook her head. "I thought you hated me. After the woods-"

Katie cut her off, gently squeezing her hand. "I know it was fucked up, babes, but you almost died. Why would you do that, Eff?" Huge tears rolled down Effy's cheeks as she just stared at Katie, still seeming unable to believe the twin was actually standing in front of her, and before Katie knew what was happening Effy was sobbing quietly.

Katie stood awkwardly by the side of the bed, not sure what was an appropriate reaction, but as long seconds drew on, she mumbled, "Fuck it," under her breath and clambered into the bed next to Effy, careful not to jar the smaller girl. Effy slid into her arms without a word, pressing herself close against Katie's body as though the physical connection was a lifeline she was clinging to.

Wet tears splashed against Katie's collar bone as the brunette cried silently into her chest, and Katie carefully wrapped her arms around Effy. The girl felt fragile and small, and Katie forced a wave of fear down. Effy was going to be all right- no matter what had happened or why she had tried to kill herself, nothing was entirely unfixable.

After several minutes, Effy's tears slowed, but she didn't move to leave Katie's arms. She murmured something into Katie's chest, and Katie looked down. "What, Eff?" More clearly this time she heard Effy quietly say, "Thank you."

Confused and a little worried, Katie asked softly, "What happened, Effy? I mean, I knew you were fucked up and had issues, but jesus. You could have died!" Effy was quiet for a long time, and Katie cursed herself for her lack of tact and sensitivity. Ems would probably know just what to say and do, but unfortunately Effy was stuck with her.

Effy suddenly spoke, her voice barely audible as she whispered, "Something happened, Katie."

Looking down at the girl laying half on top of her, Katie murmured, "What happened, Eff? Tell me, yeah? I know I'm not a fucking shrink or anything, but...maybe it'll help."

Effy twisted momentarily so that she could look up at Katie, gratitude shining in her eyes, before the whole story came spilling out of her lips.

/

It had been stupid to go out by herself like she had. That much she could admit in hindsight. At the time, though, there was nothing to indicate that anything different might happen. She went out by herself all the time, toyed with people, occasionally fucked someone, and then the next morning everything restarted.

People got angry when she teased them or left after shagging them, sure, but she never really believed that things would spiral out of her control. That night she had gone out to one of the bars she normally frequented, looking forward to drinking and dancing and maybe some MDMA to top it all off.

When she had walked through the door and into the dim lighting and smoky air, Effy had sighed with a quiet sort of satisfaction. Quickly going to the bar, she didn't have to wait more than a minute before some bloke was offering to buy her a drink. Hours passed quickly, and Effy lost herself in the haze of smoke and alcohol, dancing with strangers and flirting with everyone in sight.

It was late by the time she stepped outside of the bar, and the brisk chill of the air caused her skin to prickle. She was plenty sober and it seemed silly to waste money on a cab when she didn't really live that far off, so she slipped off her heels and headed for home. The streets were deserted and mostly silent, with occasional screams and shouts from people leaving the bars. Looking up at the night sky, Effy inhaled deeply, loving the sharp scent of the air and the peace that settled over the streets.

She had only been walking for a few minutes when she heard the sound of footsteps approaching and someone fell in step with her. Glancing over, Effy saw a man who looked vaguely familiar- he was huge, a great hulking figure next to her small one, and his face was partially obscured by a messy flop of dark brown hair and a prominent showing of stubble. He didn't say anything, and Effy wondered if maybe she should be worried, but then he turned to face her and she recognized him as a man she had danced with at a bar not barely a week before. He had reminded her a bit of Freddie at the time, though he had been far more possessive and forward when they were dancing than the other boy could ever have been.

She had ditched him at the end of the night when she had seen Emily Fitch, of all people, and had ignored him trying to grab her and pull her back as she walked away and towards the smaller girl. The redhead had been surrounded by men all pawing at her and dancing too close, and Effy could tell even from a distance that the girl's eyes were glazed and she was only staying upright because she was being pushed on all sides by the boys around her.

When she had finally made it over through the crowd of people, Effy had grabbed Emily's arm and tried to tug her towards the door. The redhead had resisted, pulling back and nearly sending them both sprawling. Effy grabbed onto Emily more firmly to try to balance them and ended up pressed up against the smaller girl as a result. Dark brown eyes blinked up at her and Emily murmured, "You're so pretty..."

The next thing Effy knew soft lips were sloppily moving against hers, and she kissed back for only a second before gently pushing the smaller girl off of her. Emily looked confused and vaguely hurt, and Effy sighed. By the time she had turned and managed to tug Emily out of the club, the smaller girl's eyes were brimming with tears, and Effy wanted to smack herself for getting involved in the first place.

She had known even then what the other girl was trying so hard to hide- had seen the glances and subtle touches between her and Naomi, and had known. Alcohol and drugs might help for a bit, but the last thing the poor girl needed was to wake up next to a random who didn't mean anything, even if that random was her. When they were safely on the curb she turned to look at Emily and offered a wry smile. "Not that I'm not flattered, but I'm a little less blonde than your usual type."

Surprise was etched across the redhead's face for a split second before she near tackled Effy in a hug, crying messily into her chest. Raising her eyes towards the dark sky, Effy silently prayed for the patience to deal with a drunk, horny, emotional Emily Fitch. Flagging a cab from the curb, Effy manoeuvred them inside, just wanting to get the younger girl home so she could sleep off whatever was in her system.

When they got to the Fitch home, Effy had carefully pushed Emily out of the cab, shutting the door but staying to watch and make sure the redhead got in okay. The girl had fumbled with the keys for a long minute and Effy had thought she might have to get out and help the girl herself, but just as she was about to open the cab door and get out, the door to the house swung open to reveal Katie standing there, pissed as hell. The older twin had dragged Emily inside, clearly yelling at her, but Effy had just been glad the girl was safely home.

The redhead had never mentioned that night after, and Effy assumed that she had probably been too drunk to remember anything about it. Either she genuinely didn't remember or she didn't want to remember, and in either case, Effy certainly wasn't about to bring it up.

The man she had been dancing with had been entirely forgotten until he appeared next to her out of nowhere. Now, however, she felt a twinge of confusion as he looked at her and asked, "Want to come back to mine? I'll show you a good time."

Looking him up and down, Effy shook her head, not bothering with a verbal response. It was late enough that she mostly just wanted to go back to her room and collapse into her bed, and he was just going to have to deal with that. She was unprepared for his sudden anger as he pressed closer to her and hissed, "Are you going back to that little rug-munching slag from the other night?"

She was so startled that she stopped walking and just stared at him for a second. Effy felt fear blossom in the pit of her stomach as her mind caught up to what he was saying and she realized where this was likely leading, but even as she turned to try to escape, his hands shot out and grabbed her roughly by the arms. His hands were huge and meaty, and the sweaty warmth of his palms against her skin made her feel sick to her stomach.

He glared down at her as he leaned in, whispering, "I almost couldn't believe my eyes when you kissed her...not after the way you were dancing with me. Didn't anyone ever tell you it's not nice to wind guys up and then leave them hanging?" Effy twisted in his grasp, trying not to show how badly she was panicking. She looked around, but the streets that had seemed so peacefully quiet a short time ago now seemed more a reflection of abandonment and hopelessness.

There was nobody to help her, and the man seemed to know it as his voice dropped even lower. "I'm going to show you what you've been missing out on, babe, and when I'm through you can go back to your little cunt of a girlfriend and tell her you got fucked by a real man."

Effy squirmed as he started to walk her backwards towards an alley, her mind racing. As he started to turn into the alley, they were both just a hint off-balance, and Effy saw her chance and leaped at it. She brought her knee up sharply, hitting him solidly in the groin, and heard the harsh oomph that escaped him. His grip slackened and there was one glorious moment of freedom where she slipped his grasp and launched herself in the opposite direction from him.

In the next instant, she barely had time to register sudden pressure around her waist before she found herself thrown to the ground, heavy weight landing on top of her a split second later. She lay there stunned, unable to breathe or move or speak, and she could only watch as he lifted himself off of her, a snarl on his face. His hands flew to her throat and pressed down, choking any remaining air out of her lungs.

She couldn't breathe- her fingers scrabbled for purchase on the uneven ground of the alley- but suddenly the pressure was gone and she took in a great heaving breath. He sat up off of her chest and smirked. "If you're going to be able to tell your girlfriend how much you like cock, you're going to need to be wide awake for the grand event, love."

She felt him pulling off her knickers and heard him unzipping himself, and suddenly he was kneeling over her face. "Take a good long look, sweetheart. You're about to be fucked better than you've ever been fucked in your life."

The thought flashed briefly through her mind that he would rip her apart, as big as he was, and she felt a spike of blind terror race through her. She was no stranger to sex, but there was no way he wasn't going to hurt her. Effy watched him slide down her body and position himself. She squeezed her eyes shut and dug her nails into her palms hard enough to draw blood.

She wanted so desperately to deny everything he had said, to tell him that she was straight and that Emily had kissed her, not the other way around, but she couldn't force the words out of her mouth. Because there had been girls- not Emily, certainly, but it wasn't the first time an attractive girl had come onto her, and Effy had never before been afraid to admit when she found someone attractive.

That knowledge burned inside of her- had she brought this on herself? Was he right to be doing this? Was this some sort of penance? But Emily, and Naomi, and every other person who was gay- did that mean that they deserved this too? Immediately she imagined what would have happened if he had gone after Emily and not her, and that thought was the closest she came to losing it. She and Emily weren't particularly close, but she knew the redhead well enough to know that she probably wouldn't recover from something like this.

Better me than her.

With that thought, Effy felt herself slipping into old habits. Her best defence had always been silence- her whole life, when she couldn't handle what was happening to her, she had remained silent. Her silence had already settled in like an old friend, constricting her throat and preventing everything except for small whimpers to escape her mouth, and she was thankful for that sense of familiarity.

She heard a muffled groan come from somewhere down her body and felt herself start to slip away. Even with her eyes closed, she knew what was about to happen, and her last coherent thought before she floated away was that she was glad he had found her and not Emily.

Tell me what you think, yeah?