I think "everyone wants to be there" is an important point, worth calling out from the more general "commonality of purpose". And I had entirely missed "glad that everyone else is there", which does seem important. Thanks.
What are your in-laws criteria for a successful and valuable Seder? And, do you think your presence satisfies those criteria?
I think a primary goal is that of family reunion. That makes it important for Dani to be there; I don't know about me. The father-in-law's wife's kids and their families are usually there (one skipped last year), so I guess that's a data point. (Well, they're there on their side of the family's night.) There are people who miss due to juggling multiple families (for example, my sister-in-law is divorced, so her kids aren't always at the same seder she is), but other than that, people come.
For any seder run by my sister-in-law -- which means my mother-in-law's every year and my father-in-laws' every other year -- the haggadah that her family made is important. So I'm inferring a strong nostalgia element, perhaps comparable to pulling out the family photo albums every year at Christmas dinner. (I don't know if people do that; I just made it up.) The haggadah (or photo album) provides a frame for a bunch of memories from past years. I, of course, am not part of that, and I haven't perceived an invitation to become part of it.
(My sister-in-law was open-minded and willing to add a few things to the seder that I felt were important. There were limits both on quantity and religiosity.)
Dani's mother-in-law and sister (I can't tell about his father-in-law) have strong emotional ties to secular Israel. They lived there on kibbutzim for a few years, and seem to share the political and philosophical inclinations you would expect from that. The home-made haggadah reflects that somewhat, but I can't tell if that's a first-order criterion for a good seder in their eyes.
I've tried asking Dani what his family considers important in a seder, but he can't really articulate it. So I'm left to guess here. Sigh.
(Wow, I see on rereading that the typos were stalking me last night and winning. Sorry 'bout that.)
I suspect that some of them feel intimidated by me. They're Jews because they were born to it but are pretty much secular, and here's this weirdo who chose to join (and not for a socially-conventional reason like marriage) and who actually buys into it (and seems to know a lot). That's got to be a little off-putting to them in and of itself.
That said, I think I do a decent job of not projecting dissatisfaction. (Of course, if I'm wrong I'd be the last person to know it. :-( ) My sister-in-law knows that I'm unhappy with the haggadah because we've had specific discussions about changing it; those discussions have been mediated through Dani, so I don't know exactly what's been said. And my mother-in-law has certainly picked up that I enjoy singing Hebrew songs and don't enjoy singing Yiddish songs, because last year (after discussion) I brought along some more Hebrew songs to sing. My father-in-law and I have never had a discussion about religion or the seder; I've never perceived interest from him in doing so, and I've had no reason to bring it up. Father-in-law's wife seems to care even less than he does about this stuff. (Her main concern seems to be having her own children and their families there.)
I'm glad to see most of the people. The ones I find a little wearing are also found wearing by several other attendees, so there's nothing special about me in that. I like my in-laws; we just have different religious outlooks, and in something like this it turns out to matter more than I had first thought.
What are your in-laws criteria for a successful and valuable Seder? And, do you think your presence satisfies those criteria?
I think a primary goal is that of family reunion. That makes it important for Dani to be there; I don't know about me. The father-in-law's wife's kids and their families are usually there (one skipped last year), so I guess that's a data point. (Well, they're there on their side of the family's night.) There are people who miss due to juggling multiple families (for example, my sister-in-law is divorced, so her kids aren't always at the same seder she is), but other than that, people come.
For any seder run by my sister-in-law -- which means my mother-in-law's every year and my father-in-laws' every other year -- the haggadah that her family made is important. So I'm inferring a strong nostalgia element, perhaps comparable to pulling out the family photo albums every year at Christmas dinner. (I don't know if people do that; I just made it up.) The haggadah (or photo album) provides a frame for a bunch of memories from past years. I, of course, am not part of that, and I haven't perceived an invitation to become part of it.
(My sister-in-law was open-minded and willing to add a few things to the seder that I felt were important. There were limits both on quantity and religiosity.)
Dani's mother-in-law and sister (I can't tell about his father-in-law) have strong emotional ties to secular Israel. They lived there on kibbutzim for a few years, and seem to share the political and philosophical inclinations you would expect from that. The home-made haggadah reflects that somewhat, but I can't tell if that's a first-order criterion for a good seder in their eyes.
I've tried asking Dani what his family considers important in a seder, but he can't really articulate it. So I'm left to guess here. Sigh.
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I suspect that some of them feel intimidated by me. They're Jews because they were born to it but are pretty much secular, and here's this weirdo who chose to join (and not for a socially-conventional reason like marriage) and who actually buys into it (and seems to know a lot). That's got to be a little off-putting to them in and of itself.
That said, I think I do a decent job of not projecting dissatisfaction. (Of course, if I'm wrong I'd be the last person to know it. :-( ) My sister-in-law knows that I'm unhappy with the haggadah because we've had specific discussions about changing it; those discussions have been mediated through Dani, so I don't know exactly what's been said. And my mother-in-law has certainly picked up that I enjoy singing Hebrew songs and don't enjoy singing Yiddish songs, because last year (after discussion) I brought along some more Hebrew songs to sing. My father-in-law and I have never had a discussion about religion or the seder; I've never perceived interest from him in doing so, and I've had no reason to bring it up. Father-in-law's wife seems to care even less than he does about this stuff. (Her main concern seems to be having her own children and their families there.)
I'm glad to see most of the people. The ones I find a little wearing are also found wearing by several other attendees, so there's nothing special about me in that. I like my in-laws; we just have different religious outlooks, and in something like this it turns out to matter more than I had first thought.
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