Pesach
We're back from Toronto. The trip was busy but generally good. In
addition to the usual family, we also met the outlaws (inlaws
a step removed) -- my husband's sister's husband's family.
We arrived Friday around 3:30 or 4:00, which turned out to be a couple hours before the in-laws were done with work and ready to deal with us. Note for the future: arrive later or bring some games. (They have a few party games but nothing that works well for two people.) Dani gave me a mini-lesson in bridge, which I've never played. It appears that bridge thrives on unwritten conventions, though (bidding and actual play), so I'm not sure how long it takes to become a competent player. Since the bidding conventions are not meant to be private code (a player can always ask an opponent "what did your partner mean by that bid?" and get an honest answer), I envision either a cheat sheet or several games in which I say "I want to communicate X; what bid does that correspond to?".
Shabbat dinner, first seder
Once everyone was home, we headed to my mother-in-law's for a lovely Shabbat dinner. She also hosted the first seder, with us but not Dani's three nieces and with two other friends, so it was a nice small group. The friends were a childhood friend of hers and his wife, both lovely people. He attended JTS (in the educator program, not the rabbinic or cantorial program), and he was fun to talk with. He was interested in hearing about the Sh'liach K'hilah program, and assumed (after he heard me chant something, probably the candle blessing) that I'm professionally trained. Ok, scored some more points for my movement there. :-)
One nice effect of having him there is that he was able to help fill in some of the gaps in the home-brew haggadah that this family uses. For example, it doesn't include the festival kiddush -- just borei p'ri hagafen. He asked about it, MIL said he should feel free to add it in if he likes, he turned to me, I said "I don't have the festival kiddush memorized" (gotta fix that, but I only need it a few times a year so it hasn't happened yet), and he chanted it flawlessly. Some of the brachot are missing before eating the ritual foods; he and I filled them in quietly. It was nice to not be the only one who cares.
This seder was mostly very nice; we actually had some interesting discussions and no one was in a hurry to just get through the book so we could eat the meal. We finished around 12:30AM. There was a lot of singing, and I enjoyed all of that except near the end when they drifted into mostly Yiddish songs (and a few obscure English ones) that I didn't know and didn't care to try. But hey, it was late by then anyway, so I could just sit there and be polite. (Some of the Yiddish songs were in their haggadah, but (1) I find Yiddish hard to read (harder than either German or transliterated Hebrew, and it's kind of a cross between the two) and (2) I don't actually like the language anyway. Not making the effort on that one!
Shabbat morning
Thanks to a comment from one of you, I went to Toronto with a list of nearby synagogues ordered by distance. It turns out I didn't go to any of those, but the list was still helpful. I showed it to Debby and asked which names she recognized and what she could tell me about them, and when we got to the Village Shul (third on the list) she said "hey, if you're going up there you should go a couple blocks farther and find the guys who meet in the school -- it might be just your thing". Armed with that information (and a plan to fall back to the Village Shul if I failed), I headed out Shabbat morning. I found Beit HaMinyan, which could very well be my new Toronto congregation. They are a small, participatory, "Conservadox" congregation. I was especially pleased to see that while they are not egalitarian, they did not in any way make women feel like second-class citizens. Seats were divided by a wide aisle but no mechitzah. They carried the sefer torah through both sides so everyone could touch. The rabbi and chazan spoke to everyone, not just the men. Men spoke to me and offered to shake my hand. The women near me during the service participated and obviously knew their way around a siddur. The president of the congregation is a woman.
(Service anthropology: Birnbaum siddur, Eitz Chayim and Hertz chumashim, mostly Israeli pronunciation (not much Ashkenazi), trope I'm used to hearing at Tree of Life (Conservative), pretty fast silent amidah in musaf (missed it in shacharit), and roughly half of the melodies were familiar to me.)
I hadn't known a start time so I got there around 9:45, which is usually a safe guess. I walked into the end of a kiddush, which confused me -- how could they be done already? But, it turned out, they had taken a break so that they could eat chameitz (presumably including challah) before the halachic deadline of around 10:30 that morning. (My congregation just doesn't do chameitz at the kiddush on that day so we don't have to care when it is.) As I arrived they were getting ready to bentch and then we went in and picked up at the torah service. I later learned that they had begun at 8:45, so they were making pretty good time. We finished around 11:45, including a substantial (and good) talk from the rabbi. (I don't know how long the kiddush was.)
(Inline "footnote": you have to stop eating chameitz (leaven, like regular bread) several hours before Pesach begins. You're supposed to eat bread with Shabbat meals, but you also can't eat matzah right before Pesach. So apparently, this congregation had a Shabbat meal with bread timed such that it would be legal. I do not know how the deadline is computed, but I assume it's something like "until the fourth hour of the day" or some such.)
My inlaws had forgotten one detail -- that I wouldn't go out to a restaurant on Shabbat -- so they hadn't planned lunch. I told them to go and let me know if there was anything in their fridge I shouldn't eat, and they actually went out (with Dani). This is good, as I try to not let my observance tie them down too much. While it was a longshot, I did wonder if anyone at the morning service would invite me for lunch. (There exist people who habitually invite new people.) There is probably a protocol for hinting about such things, but I don't know it and I'm uncomfortable asking someone for hospitality on the spur of the moment, so I didn't say anything. No one offered (erev Pesach is probably the pesimal time for such things), so I went back to the house and ate some tasty cold chicken and fruit. Everyone else got back an hour or so later. So it all worked out fine.
The people at Beit HaMinyan seemed friendly, and I expect that's where I'll return on future trips. I definitely liked this better than my single experiences with Beit Tzedek and Holy Blossom on past trips. I noticed that the Village Shul is the Aish HaTorah folks and I'm curious about them (we don't have Aish in Pittsburgh), so I might visit them once out of curiosity, but I don't expect the structure of their service to be as comfortable for me.
Sunday brunch, second seder
The first seder, as I mentioned already, was at my mother-in-law's house. Debby and Tucker hosted the second one, but before that they hosted a brunch on Sunday for Tucker's family (who usually don't spend Pesach in Toronto). That made for a busy day; I don't think I would be able to host two 20-person meals on the same day. Good thing they have a large kitchen. :-)
The relatives were interesting people, and to my surprise a couple of them commented on how friendly and welcoming I seemed to be. Um, me? The habitual introvert? I have no idea where that impression came from, but ok... One of these was someone with whom Dani and I fell into a completely natural conversation about rennaisance cooking, by the way. She's not SCA, but she thinks it sounds kind of interesting. Tucker's father (who's probably around 90) told some stories about his father (who owned a men's clothing store), and that provided an interesting window into an earlier time.
There was very little down time between the brunch and the seder. Fortunately, we didn't have to do all the cooking; other people brought food too. (We had too much, of course. That's a rule or something.) The first seder was the small civilized one with interested adults; this one included the largish family of my father-in-law's wife, including three small children and several adults who, um, are not interested in religion. Debby, who was leading the seder, tried valiantly, but it's hard when most of the people there are not participating.
Both seders used the same home-brew haggadah. It's a family effort and it has history to it and it has some nice aspects, but I find some aspects of it to be very unsatisfying. Most years we use it for one seder but not both, but we seem to have fallen into a pattern where, every second year, Debby will lead both seders and use that haggadah for both. (One hosted by her mother and one that she hosts.) I feel a strong urge to ask for the opportunity to lead one of the seders (from a haggadah that I provide) the next time that happens -- preferably the one with the interested adults instead of the folks watching the clock. I need to muster some diplomacy points first. I'll probably write more about this later.
Short takes
Twice during this trip I easily found objects that Tucker didn't know how to find in his house. In both cases, I looked in exactly the places I would have put those objects if I had stored them in their house, and each time got it on the first try. I conclude that Dani's sister and I share some instincts. :-)
Do most Torontonians have the custom of not wearing shoes in the house, or is it just this extended family? I realized Sunday night that there's an unfortunate effect: I spent most of Sunday on my feet, helping with the brunch and then the seder, on hardwood floors, without the benefit of the cushioning provided by my shoes. Ouchie.
The man I mentioned at the first seder was being called "Sudi" (spelling is a guess). Toward the end I asked what that's a nickname for, and he said his name is "Yisrael". I don't see the path from that to "Sudi"; it wasn't clear that he did either.
A gas station near their house had a digital price board instead of the conventional physical sign. We saw several different prices over the span of a couple days. I wonder if the sign was changing prices in real time based on some reference price. It was certainly changing more frequently than once per day.
New random question at the border: are we carrying any ammunition? (No border trouble in either direction, for those who were asking.)
When we got there Tucker was home but not answering the doorbell. Due to the power of cell phones it was possible to make a long-distance call to reach someone 30 feet away. I'm not saying this is actually good. :-)
We arrived Friday around 3:30 or 4:00, which turned out to be a couple hours before the in-laws were done with work and ready to deal with us. Note for the future: arrive later or bring some games. (They have a few party games but nothing that works well for two people.) Dani gave me a mini-lesson in bridge, which I've never played. It appears that bridge thrives on unwritten conventions, though (bidding and actual play), so I'm not sure how long it takes to become a competent player. Since the bidding conventions are not meant to be private code (a player can always ask an opponent "what did your partner mean by that bid?" and get an honest answer), I envision either a cheat sheet or several games in which I say "I want to communicate X; what bid does that correspond to?".
Shabbat dinner, first seder
Once everyone was home, we headed to my mother-in-law's for a lovely Shabbat dinner. She also hosted the first seder, with us but not Dani's three nieces and with two other friends, so it was a nice small group. The friends were a childhood friend of hers and his wife, both lovely people. He attended JTS (in the educator program, not the rabbinic or cantorial program), and he was fun to talk with. He was interested in hearing about the Sh'liach K'hilah program, and assumed (after he heard me chant something, probably the candle blessing) that I'm professionally trained. Ok, scored some more points for my movement there. :-)
One nice effect of having him there is that he was able to help fill in some of the gaps in the home-brew haggadah that this family uses. For example, it doesn't include the festival kiddush -- just borei p'ri hagafen. He asked about it, MIL said he should feel free to add it in if he likes, he turned to me, I said "I don't have the festival kiddush memorized" (gotta fix that, but I only need it a few times a year so it hasn't happened yet), and he chanted it flawlessly. Some of the brachot are missing before eating the ritual foods; he and I filled them in quietly. It was nice to not be the only one who cares.
This seder was mostly very nice; we actually had some interesting discussions and no one was in a hurry to just get through the book so we could eat the meal. We finished around 12:30AM. There was a lot of singing, and I enjoyed all of that except near the end when they drifted into mostly Yiddish songs (and a few obscure English ones) that I didn't know and didn't care to try. But hey, it was late by then anyway, so I could just sit there and be polite. (Some of the Yiddish songs were in their haggadah, but (1) I find Yiddish hard to read (harder than either German or transliterated Hebrew, and it's kind of a cross between the two) and (2) I don't actually like the language anyway. Not making the effort on that one!
Shabbat morning
Thanks to a comment from one of you, I went to Toronto with a list of nearby synagogues ordered by distance. It turns out I didn't go to any of those, but the list was still helpful. I showed it to Debby and asked which names she recognized and what she could tell me about them, and when we got to the Village Shul (third on the list) she said "hey, if you're going up there you should go a couple blocks farther and find the guys who meet in the school -- it might be just your thing". Armed with that information (and a plan to fall back to the Village Shul if I failed), I headed out Shabbat morning. I found Beit HaMinyan, which could very well be my new Toronto congregation. They are a small, participatory, "Conservadox" congregation. I was especially pleased to see that while they are not egalitarian, they did not in any way make women feel like second-class citizens. Seats were divided by a wide aisle but no mechitzah. They carried the sefer torah through both sides so everyone could touch. The rabbi and chazan spoke to everyone, not just the men. Men spoke to me and offered to shake my hand. The women near me during the service participated and obviously knew their way around a siddur. The president of the congregation is a woman.
(Service anthropology: Birnbaum siddur, Eitz Chayim and Hertz chumashim, mostly Israeli pronunciation (not much Ashkenazi), trope I'm used to hearing at Tree of Life (Conservative), pretty fast silent amidah in musaf (missed it in shacharit), and roughly half of the melodies were familiar to me.)
I hadn't known a start time so I got there around 9:45, which is usually a safe guess. I walked into the end of a kiddush, which confused me -- how could they be done already? But, it turned out, they had taken a break so that they could eat chameitz (presumably including challah) before the halachic deadline of around 10:30 that morning. (My congregation just doesn't do chameitz at the kiddush on that day so we don't have to care when it is.) As I arrived they were getting ready to bentch and then we went in and picked up at the torah service. I later learned that they had begun at 8:45, so they were making pretty good time. We finished around 11:45, including a substantial (and good) talk from the rabbi. (I don't know how long the kiddush was.)
(Inline "footnote": you have to stop eating chameitz (leaven, like regular bread) several hours before Pesach begins. You're supposed to eat bread with Shabbat meals, but you also can't eat matzah right before Pesach. So apparently, this congregation had a Shabbat meal with bread timed such that it would be legal. I do not know how the deadline is computed, but I assume it's something like "until the fourth hour of the day" or some such.)
My inlaws had forgotten one detail -- that I wouldn't go out to a restaurant on Shabbat -- so they hadn't planned lunch. I told them to go and let me know if there was anything in their fridge I shouldn't eat, and they actually went out (with Dani). This is good, as I try to not let my observance tie them down too much. While it was a longshot, I did wonder if anyone at the morning service would invite me for lunch. (There exist people who habitually invite new people.) There is probably a protocol for hinting about such things, but I don't know it and I'm uncomfortable asking someone for hospitality on the spur of the moment, so I didn't say anything. No one offered (erev Pesach is probably the pesimal time for such things), so I went back to the house and ate some tasty cold chicken and fruit. Everyone else got back an hour or so later. So it all worked out fine.
The people at Beit HaMinyan seemed friendly, and I expect that's where I'll return on future trips. I definitely liked this better than my single experiences with Beit Tzedek and Holy Blossom on past trips. I noticed that the Village Shul is the Aish HaTorah folks and I'm curious about them (we don't have Aish in Pittsburgh), so I might visit them once out of curiosity, but I don't expect the structure of their service to be as comfortable for me.
Sunday brunch, second seder
The first seder, as I mentioned already, was at my mother-in-law's house. Debby and Tucker hosted the second one, but before that they hosted a brunch on Sunday for Tucker's family (who usually don't spend Pesach in Toronto). That made for a busy day; I don't think I would be able to host two 20-person meals on the same day. Good thing they have a large kitchen. :-)
The relatives were interesting people, and to my surprise a couple of them commented on how friendly and welcoming I seemed to be. Um, me? The habitual introvert? I have no idea where that impression came from, but ok... One of these was someone with whom Dani and I fell into a completely natural conversation about rennaisance cooking, by the way. She's not SCA, but she thinks it sounds kind of interesting. Tucker's father (who's probably around 90) told some stories about his father (who owned a men's clothing store), and that provided an interesting window into an earlier time.
There was very little down time between the brunch and the seder. Fortunately, we didn't have to do all the cooking; other people brought food too. (We had too much, of course. That's a rule or something.) The first seder was the small civilized one with interested adults; this one included the largish family of my father-in-law's wife, including three small children and several adults who, um, are not interested in religion. Debby, who was leading the seder, tried valiantly, but it's hard when most of the people there are not participating.
Both seders used the same home-brew haggadah. It's a family effort and it has history to it and it has some nice aspects, but I find some aspects of it to be very unsatisfying. Most years we use it for one seder but not both, but we seem to have fallen into a pattern where, every second year, Debby will lead both seders and use that haggadah for both. (One hosted by her mother and one that she hosts.) I feel a strong urge to ask for the opportunity to lead one of the seders (from a haggadah that I provide) the next time that happens -- preferably the one with the interested adults instead of the folks watching the clock. I need to muster some diplomacy points first. I'll probably write more about this later.
Short takes
Twice during this trip I easily found objects that Tucker didn't know how to find in his house. In both cases, I looked in exactly the places I would have put those objects if I had stored them in their house, and each time got it on the first try. I conclude that Dani's sister and I share some instincts. :-)
Do most Torontonians have the custom of not wearing shoes in the house, or is it just this extended family? I realized Sunday night that there's an unfortunate effect: I spent most of Sunday on my feet, helping with the brunch and then the seder, on hardwood floors, without the benefit of the cushioning provided by my shoes. Ouchie.
The man I mentioned at the first seder was being called "Sudi" (spelling is a guess). Toward the end I asked what that's a nickname for, and he said his name is "Yisrael". I don't see the path from that to "Sudi"; it wasn't clear that he did either.
A gas station near their house had a digital price board instead of the conventional physical sign. We saw several different prices over the span of a couple days. I wonder if the sign was changing prices in real time based on some reference price. It was certainly changing more frequently than once per day.
New random question at the border: are we carrying any ammunition? (No border trouble in either direction, for those who were asking.)
When we got there Tucker was home but not answering the doorbell. Due to the power of cell phones it was possible to make a long-distance call to reach someone 30 feet away. I'm not saying this is actually good. :-)