Nolan Gabriel
I have a son. Sometimes I can't believe it. I'll look at him in wonder and disbelief that this little person came from me, that he is mine. Someone pinch me.
My birth story is anything but graceful and far from what I had planned. We were at Justin's Mom's house for dinner on Saturday 11/27 when mild contractions started. We went home and collected our go bag and went to the hospital when contractions were two minutes apart. It was painful, I was uncomfortable but still not dilated. They monitored me for a few hours and then sent me home.
I labored at home for what seemed like forever, well into the night, over night and to the morning. Justin had trouble staying awake and at first I was frustrated by this. Then reality set in that he had no pain or discomfort. How hard it must be to stay awake when your body is content on sleeping? I labored still and only woke him to hold my hand when the pain was unbearable.
Finally, early Monday morning, my contractions were close once again and lasting two minutes long. I could not sit and had to lean against the wall when contractions hit. I gushed blood and then I woke Justin up to leave.
We got to the hospital and I was only dilated another centimeter or two. How frustrating. They put me in a bed and medicated me so I could sleep. When the meds ran out, the pain returned and I finally requested an epidural. By this point it was beyond 24 hours of labor and my contractions were so close, I did not know how much longer I would last. I remember asking the nurse how long each contraction typically is. She said 60-90 seconds, however, mine were easily 120 seconds each time. What. the. fuck. Leave it to me to be above average with the most painful thing.
After the epidural, which was not as painful as I expected, I was able to get some sleep. Not until the afternoon of Monday did they give me the clear to push and that was only because Nolan's heart rate kept dropping. I pushed. I pushed for a while. Mind you, it is hard to push when you cannot feel below your hips. I pushed more. We took a break and they watched the monitor. I could sense something was wrong. Apparently, each time I pushed, Nolan's heart rate dropped very low and took a bit of time to recover. The doctor could see his head but no matter how much I pushed, he would slide down and then back up. They gave the option of a c-section or to use the vacuum. I was so incredibly tired and the vacuum did come with some possible brain blood pooling, that I decided to go with the c-section. I was both terrified and relieved.
They gave me more meds to numb me from my chest down. They took Justin fro me to dress him and walked him to the operating room via another route. It was not until we were in the operating room and they put the curtain up that I actually became terrified, I prayed silently, every prayer I knew. Justin sat on my left side, by my head. They strapped my arms down. I felt like a science experiment. Open and waiting to be sliced and diced. They did walk me through everything but the anticipation of waiting for them to begin was draining.
And then... we heard his cry and I saw his cute little old man wrinkly butt. They scooped him out to the side, wiped him off and then put him by my face. I must have been in shock because I didn't feel... anything. Yes, relief he was ok and crying. Then, I heard Justin...sobbing. My husband is stoic. He was emotional at our wedding and another time in regard to Natalie. Those are the only times I saw him on the verge of tears, until now. He was crying. Tears visibly coming from his eyes. He kept saying, "You did it! You did it! He's here! You did it!" He stroked my head and cheek, then they gave Nolan to Justin and they never let go of one another.
They sewed me up, wheeled me to a recovery room, where Justin still held Nolan. I was weak and medicated and didn't feel like I could hold him yet. I was also shivering uncontrollably, which I found is a side effect of the medication. I did not hold my son until were were in our private room, over an hour later... and then, I was in complete aw. He was so tiny but oh so perfect. I didn't cry. I think I was still in shock, really.
When the nurses and doctors left, we were alone with him. I was not allowed to leave my bed so justin did everything. Changed him, held him, fed him, etc. Although when it was time to sleep, Justin fell asleep quickly and I stayed up all night, watching Nolan breathe. Watching his chest go up and down. Flunchine at every murmur or squirm. I was terrified something would happen to this 6 lb 14 oz baby if I fell asleep. Alas, he was perfect. All his tests came back and he really was absolutely perfect.
We stayed in the hospital for 5 days. Nolan struggled to latch and he lost weight. I am grateful for those 5 days though, we were able to really bond as a family. Sadly, we could have no visitors because of Covid. We did have photographer though, I believe, on day 3. She came in and took about 12-15 pictures. When she showed us the proofs a few hours later, it finally happened. I cried. Uncontrollable sobs, shoulders rocking, wet cheeks, the works. My son was so beautiful in these pictures that I could not hold the emotion in... and I let it rock out of me. Justin rubbed my back and paid for the pictures. He didn't even blink at the price.
When we came home, Natalie met us at our house and she held her brother for the first time. Truly amazing. They have a special bond. Nolan smiles every time he sees Natalie. The following day my parents came and then my brothers soon after.
I am a mom. THIS is something I have wanted for so long and although I am fucking tired, a hot mess and have zero time to myself, I am scared of breaking him all the time, etc. I was really and truly meant to be his mama, despite the uncertainty I feel all the time about raising a baby "wrong". I thank God for him and Justin daily.
I was supposed to go back to work a month ago, but we extended until 4/11. Even then is too soon. I do not want to leave this baby. I'd quit my job in a heartbeat, if we could survive on Justin's job along. I will say, that my days of staying after school and working late/weekend hours are done. I will not let teaching take precious time away from my son.