What does it all mean?
I am a conundrum. An enigma wrapped in a riddle of confusion. I have no answers and the questions make no sense. I feel like this world that I have built is a lie, and brick by brick, it is crumbling around me. I give good face. I smile because I feel like if I do it long enough, I will have no choice but to be happy. I laugh because if I laugh long enough I will realize that all this insanity is just one big joke. I cry because when it all gets to be too much, I feel like it is my only release. The tears cleanse me and I feel like once I wipe them away the hurt is gone. But it never is. It just never is. It festers like an open wound covered in salt. It stings and it hurts and it never, ever fucking heals. I need to find my footing, build a foundation to stand on, and find my way. I have lived most of my life in this cloud of unhappiness and every time I start to think the sun is going to shine on me for a day, I get caught in a summer shower. I wish I could be one of these people that closes themselves off and feels nothing sometimes. I wish I could not care. I wish I could shield my heart in a glass case and lose the key for awhile. But that is not me and it is not what I am made of. I am emotion. I don't just wear my heart on my sleeve - it covers my entire body and is easily penetrated. I just don't know how to be any other way. I love fully because I hope someday to get that in return. I feel like all the skeptics and naysayers of the world just don't know how wonderful it feels when you open yourself to all the possibilities. But the pain that sometimes comes with that reminds me of why some people choose to be that way. I am an old open book whose pages are stuck together in spots and I feel like those lost chapters hold the answers I need to really make this life worth living. It almost seems a shame that I have spent 34 years on this earth and don't really feel that much closer to figuring any of this out. I have heard that some people spend their whole lives searching for answers, and I wonder if that is a life worth living. Realistically, the young seldom listen to the advice of the old, so in that theory, if the old figure it out only to pass it down to the young who choose not to listen, than wasn't it all done in vain? I have to believe there is something fantastical beyond this life where the wisdom we earned in this life can be utilized and appreciated. I know life is a journey, but is it a journey that ends with us smashing head first into a brick wall of nothingness? Maybe we believe in an afterlife because it is the only way to get through this life. I don't want to live my life with a pen in my hand and a piece of paper to write on, with nothing to contribute but tacky cliches. I don't want to type words into a computer that will someday be obsolete and feel like I never contributed anything. I don't want to figure it all out - life is better left to mystery and adventure - but I want SOME answers to keep me going. Unwrap the enigma cladden riddle and release the unrelenting confusion and get on with the business of living.