wow.
wow. i really really really cannot comprehend. why the fuck is everything falling apart?...for me. it's so frustrating. it's so unfair. i don't know how to react at times. nothing remains the same. nothing is how it was. oh how naive was i to think that everything would work out in the end. if i wasn't so emotionally shy, i wouldn't be in this state that i'm in it at all. no one knows, no one can tell..but deep inside i'm hurting so so much. i feel isolated. and it's painful. even more painful because everything i believed in, everything i kept my faith in has turned their backs against me. and for no justifiable reason. i try my hardest to keep my cool. but fuck..it's hard as shit. i had no idea i would be in this situation, especially at this most significant point in my life. i know i've fucked up, i know i did things i shouldn't have done, said things i shouldn't have said. but honestly, was it that big of a deal that it was necessary to make me feel this way. i'm not gonna lie, i've been more alone in my life...it just hurts ten times worse this time. because i thought i had it all. i was so caught up, in fact too caught up. how could i be so fucking stupid? such a fucking pushover. fuck me for believing that i was important at all. i'd never want to see you in my situation, so fucking stupid of me to think you'd want the same for me. it's too late for me to do anything about it now. all i can do is just walk around like i'm not hurting..because i know it's wrong, so wrong of me to show how i feel. when all this time you told me to speak up for myself, well fuck you. i can't even believe i'm writing from this perspective right now. fuck.