Dispatches from Xanacube
- Nearly a year to the date i first expressed my pathological thirst for it, I have this album. It cost me $105 to emancipate it from Australia. I am now the most popular boy on my floor at Xanacube. The vinyl is immaculate, amazing for a 37 year old pressing (surely, it was played once, sending the original owner straight to hell, leaving the platter to wonder the earth looking for its master, One-Ring-To-Rule-Them-All style). The liner notes note that arranger/composer/organist/singer/Gemini Billy Joel only "sweats two things: perfecting my sound and South East Asia." Billy Joel, in a band that likened their impact on rock to that nefarious conqueror/pillager/raper/Aquarius. C'mon!! i need help.
- On the printer on the 11th floor, I discovered a two page printout of Mapquest search results for this trip. Including map. Sadly, i contributed to the continuing deforestation of the planet, as I didn't stop at discovery - i moved right onto pilfering, because this kind of office-wide mocking requires visual aids - so one would have to assume two more pages met their existential stupid fate.
- While in the breakroom scanning the newspaper, Tiffany Cameltoe twatted up to me (mind you, we've never spoken to each other) and gurgled, "what does my horoscope say!? *sparkle*" and hoisted up her blouse. "I have no idea," i replied. "Just make a guess!" she squeed. "Your day is gonna end in tears," i prophesied. "No, that's terrible! You can't say that! I strike it from the record! *obnox*" she protested. "Well, you know these things, it could mean anything," I comforted her, as I reached into my pocket to pull out a big red button, which i pushed, dear reader, causing the floor beneath her to open up and deliver her to sweet gravity's loving bosom, many kilometers below the earth's surface.
- While showing Andrea how I perform Mandy at karaoke, I punched her in the gut. My eye's were closed, it was an accident! See, my version ends up with me on the floor screeching and in a puddle of tears (whoa...it literally ends in tears!), my body given over to the spirit of spastics. It was at this point of the demo that Andrea had picked up a pen and was gonna, i don't know, stab me or color a fresco on my forehead, and thus had seriously breeched my bubble - all this unbeknown to me, as i was spazzing out with shut eyes - when the violence happened. We then took turns cutting each other with our broken promises and made sweet love on the linoleum.
Note: green indicates facts stated possibly apocryphal.