Thoughts
I'm not the one, who keeps a diary about all things, which are in my heart and mind. And I don't post here about my mood, problems or any other thing in my life. Usually.
Today I have to do it, because I think, people who I consider as friends deserve an explaination for what happened yesterday.
It was a sad day. All my toons on Triumph, villains and heroes left their supergroups Black Sunday and DoP. They had to do this in consequence of a sentence I had read a few minutes before. "You have 24 hours to remove your toons and your equipment from
the base." I knew, these words didn't concern me or my toons, what means, it was not written to me. But ... nonetheless, it did concern me, because it was an order for my best friend Lenya from our leader as... how shall I call it? Solution to avoid " mutual discomfort at being on the same team with each other"? In my eyes not a solution for a problem, which should not have grown into such a huge desaster.
I'm still stunned and don't really understand, what exactly happened here.
I think, there is noone among the players who knows Lenya better than me, who got to know all her moods, the good ones and the bad ones (as she did concerning me). I know, she can be very direct or even harsh, because she is very, very frankly. It's not always easy to handle it, she doesn't mince matters and sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable. But.... it was and is never her intend to hurt anyone or to be condescending, as she was accused for. Never! As long as I have known her, that's what I've learned. It was and is always possible to tell her, when she made a mistake in my eyes, when she was too direct in my eyes, a bit too unpatient or anything else. Her reaction just depends on the way, you tell her that.
Nobody's perfect. Isn't that right? Everybody has a good side and a bad side, makes mistakes. We are all human beings, not gods.
And we all have our weaknesses. One of hers is her fire phobia. Is it something, we can blame her for? Why?
I have an arachnophobia. Would you blame me for it? Oh, sometimes it is really embarassing when I see a spider crawling up the walls of our apartment, just a tiny little thing, but I almost get panic. My husband doesn't understand it, but he never smiles or makes me feel like a coward or a fool. It is a really serious problem for me and he knows that. So he always comes and takes it out. We don't kill an animal, just because I am afraid of it.
Ok, you can tell me that there are many spiders in the game, and you are right. Imagine what I felt, when I first saw them! Horrible. But I loved the game and didn't want to leave just because of virtual creepy-crawlies.
I was lucky, because they cannot crawl over my body or the body of my toons... and even in the caves of Grandville, I could think of: "dear, you cannot touch it and it cannot touch you".
I was lucky. Because I had a friend, who I could tell about, a friend, who didn't laugh, who didn't say, "I am sorry, but I cannot help you. I am sorry, but I really want to do this arc and if you cannot stand the mishes, do anything else." A friend who said instead: "let's do another arc... another mish" and, when I wanted to try it "tell me, if it becomes to hard for you". I am thankful for this friend.
Phobias are serious and painful things for those, who have them. Ok, almost everybody fears something. And nobody wants to be blamed for it. Don't think, I do accuse anyone having done this to her. I do not. But maybe... it was not clear enough, what exactly causes the problem as I had to learn the last few weeks. No auras, no fire swords, hot feets or imps, just a body who burns. A toon, who makes you feel like burning yourself. I don't want to imagine this feeling.
Of course our friends tried to help with good advice... from how to change the graphic settings up to not giving shields to her and to me. She asked me not to take shields, because so there was at least one body which didn't burn besides her own toon, a body she could look at during the fights She didn't demand it, she just asked me, and when she did so, I heard in her voice, what a pain it was for her to be forced to say this. She is such a strong woman and I think, she hates this weakness. I'm sorry for saying this, dear.
Her request, did it affect me in any way? No. Did my toon die more often without shields? No. Did I have to change my playstyle with any toon? Yes. Just a little bit, to make her feel comfortable, to act as her friend. Example: I have a fire/thermal corruptor. Yes, I have, maybe some remember the man with the scars in his face. When she first told me about her problem, and because most of the time we play together, I respeced his powers, and didn't take the shields anymore. Was it a problem for me? Did it make me feel like being treated unfair? No. Why should it? Being a friend means to act as one and sometimes to do things just because of friendship, because you like your friend and don't want him to feel bad or worse, to get sick. I don't expect doing the same of anyone, neither does she, even if some had the feeling, she did. But they got her wrong, and this one time, on this unfortunate Sunday, it was just a kind of accident, born of the situation, all together at one place, directly in front of a door, with toons, who didn't fit in any way because of the very different lvls. She was too direct on this Sunday, that's what she told me, what she was worried about, but she didn't want to hurt anyone and would have apologized at once, if the person concerned would have told her that.
I was not there when I it happened, so I cannot judge anyone. I can only imagine what happened, but not understand.
I thought, there would be no problem with the fire shields anymore. I thought, all our Sg friends knew, they understood, how serious Lenya's problem was, and how much she tried to work on it, to bother them as less as possible. How embarassing it was to ask every new teammate with thermal shields not to give them to her hoping they would understand and not laugh. And there were many enough, who did. I know that, because I often tried to help her and sent tells to the thermals, before she could do. I don't want to repeat, what answers I sometimes got.
I thought, we had a good agreement for our sg nights. I thought, everybody was happy, our thermal healer could use his shields for the others, and there would have been no other problem for any team member, especially not on heroside with toons, using fire powers.
But.. I do admit, as her, I hoped, in a future villain team would be no thermal again. Why?
Because it was me, who talked to her during the nights, to distract her from the burning bodies, it was me, who was always worried, if she gets sick or not. You can say, nobody forced her to be there, and yes... nobody did, but she really wanted to spend the time with all our friends, every Sunday night, when we got up at 2 o'clock in the morning, and everybody at home calls us crazy. We both wantedto be with you all, we had fun, we loved the teamings, the Roleplays, the group. And we thought, and still think, you did as well.
We always tried to be helpful and friendly in every respect. We often switched toons just for playing with friends or helping them. I think of Zipa and Bill, Ethe, Fyrus.... Was this extraordinary? No, because this is what friends do... and this is what our friends did for us. It was a good time...
And I think, we never gave anyone the feeling, he or she could not tell us, if there was a problem. Problems can only be solved, if they are known. Of course you can be too upset about whatever to talk about at once... of course you can ask anybody else for help. But.... if you are asked just two days later... if there was anything, which caused trouble, which made you feel unwelcome, uncomfortable, upset, is it not possible to tell the truth? Is it necessary to lie, to say: oh no, everything is ok? Don't worry!" And then let another one say: that is not true, you hurt her?
We are all adults, I guess, and we should be able to tell each other the truth, we should be able to have the courage to tell each other: "you said anything, which made me upset. you went too far, you hurt me". And we should be able to handle this kind of critisism. We should not fear each other or be afraid of an argument. People cannot always have the same opinion. It is just not possible.
What happened between our teamleader, Lektrus' player and my friend Lenya the last weeks has shocked me deeply. Yes, I know, of what I speak, because I read every single mail. I know, how stunned Lenya was, when she got the mail, how sad she became, when she learned, Lektrus' player could not tell her the truth, even when she asked her directly, and how sadness grew into anger, when she had to see, that every thing she said, was only considered as an accuse to the teamleader, although it was a problem between Lektrus' player and Lenya. It became a problem between the whole team.. and Lenya. I am member of the whole team, I had never a problem with it, and I cannot remember being asked about it. Can you? And if... why did you not tell her? Is she such a monster, you didn't dare it?
You, and I mean Lektrus's player, said: you didn't want to cause trouble, that's why you didn't tell her what you told Laridian. But this is what your being unable to talk frankly to Lenya caused, huge trouble. You haven't been the only one, who cried. I am sure, this was not your intend, as it was not Lenya's to hurt you. But... I feel so sad... because I tried all I could to avoid what happened now, that we had to leave. This is the result of what? A few harsh words, not meant to hurt? An open mentioned opinion? The result of an apology, what was spoken to the person concerned?
I don't say, it's the fault of someone special, I think, there were mistakes, made on both sides.
It is my opinion, and no accuse, let me clarify this, that it was a most unfortunate decision not to tell Lektrus' player about Lenya's problem. I am sure, because I think, her player is a friendly woman, she would have considered creating a toon with another combination for this or a later team. What doesn't means, she cannot creat a thermal at all, I know, she likes the thermal powers. But we do not play together all the time.
I thought, we always try to take for sg meetings those toons, who are best for the team, for success and for fun. So, it would have been an act of friendship to be considerate of her phobia, which is no spleen or a way to make herself feeling more important than others.
Or maybe, if we had sat together and I mean all, the whole sg, not only leader and the two others and if we had made plans for the next team, we could have find a new agreement for a non thermal team.
Oh yes, nobody should tell another one, what AT he should play. As I said, in an open talking, we could have found a solution for everybody. I said, for everybody, and that means for Lenya too. All the time she has been a valuable member of the SGs, as she was assured again and again, a friend to everyone, and her only problem consists of two shields and her sometimes being a bit too direct. Forgive me, dear, you know, we had a few arguments about it, because I can be as pig-headed as you, and sometimes say things, I don't mean like you understand them :)
But.. are we not still friends? Did we not learn, that it is better, always to tell each other, what bothers us? If there is really a problem! I am glad about every argument we had, now, when I see, what could have happened, if we didn't.
All these accuses... this: you can stand no fire shields, but you can play a fire troller, you have no problems with auras of fire tanks and scrappers but no shields!!! ... you treat the members of the teams, all member so condescending, make them change their playstyle. Was this really necessary? And if all members of our SG were so angry about your behaviour, dear, why did they not tell a word, in a friendly way, as friends do? Was it necessary to give you the feeling, you would be a very impolite snotnosed girl, who always wants to be right? I don't know, but not in my opinion. And I am sad, really sad and disappointed, because I would have never thought, this could happen. Maybe, and I say maybe... some things were not so understood as they were meant, because we are no native-speakers. But we tried our best, and misunderstandings... can be removed by talking to each other and not by ... I don't know how I could call the last few weeks without hurt anyone.
There have been a few things, I didn't talk about as well... because... I was a newcomer and I am truly shy and although I think, my English is not too bad, I have problems, writing down, what is in my mind. Concerning Xeli... Lenya told our leader about it, I know that. Sure, I was very sad, because, I am a healer with all my heart, and she is my truly most beloved toon. But.. I saw everyone was happy with Takuya, nobody seems to miss her and so I played her with Lenya and with other friends. Maybe I could have said a word to our leader or at least to Tak's player, but I like her and like her young toon and his kind way to call everyone a "san" and "sama". I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, I didn't want to bother anyone. It was an act of friendship, not to insist of playing Xeli in SG nights, because Tak's player is a really nice girl, we had a lot of fun with her and I miss her, since she is not online so often anymore. I could do this, because Lenya helped me to bring another toon into the fitting level.
The only thing, I can really blame myself for is... not having talked to our leader about why not only one of our toons got at least the right to invite other members, so after 21 months of playing and earning a lot of prestige like any other member of the group we still had to wait for anyone to get an invite. It was a waste of prestige, because most of the others don't play as often as we, and it took more than a week to get a few toons into the group. Maybe I thought, it would have been not my task... but yes, I could have asked for it, I know, that was my mistake... maybe...
So... well... I'm astonished, how much it is... and where is the time gone? I still don't feel better, my heart beats fast and my stomach is really angry about all this trouble. I should take a break...
It was very hard to leave the groups, not because we would have no home from this minute on.... but because I didn't want to leave you, my friends. And I truly hope, that you understand, why I had to do this... I would have done the same for anyone else of you. And I hope, you don't think ill of me, nor of Lenya... we will be your friends and we will be glad to play with you and to help you with all we can do, if you want so. Just let us know.
Thank you for all the fun, the wonderful time, the excitement of every week and sg night, for joining us even on other servers.
Thanks for being friends.
Today I have to do it, because I think, people who I consider as friends deserve an explaination for what happened yesterday.
It was a sad day. All my toons on Triumph, villains and heroes left their supergroups Black Sunday and DoP. They had to do this in consequence of a sentence I had read a few minutes before. "You have 24 hours to remove your toons and your equipment from
the base." I knew, these words didn't concern me or my toons, what means, it was not written to me. But ... nonetheless, it did concern me, because it was an order for my best friend Lenya from our leader as... how shall I call it? Solution to avoid " mutual discomfort at being on the same team with each other"? In my eyes not a solution for a problem, which should not have grown into such a huge desaster.
I'm still stunned and don't really understand, what exactly happened here.
I think, there is noone among the players who knows Lenya better than me, who got to know all her moods, the good ones and the bad ones (as she did concerning me). I know, she can be very direct or even harsh, because she is very, very frankly. It's not always easy to handle it, she doesn't mince matters and sometimes it makes me feel uncomfortable. But.... it was and is never her intend to hurt anyone or to be condescending, as she was accused for. Never! As long as I have known her, that's what I've learned. It was and is always possible to tell her, when she made a mistake in my eyes, when she was too direct in my eyes, a bit too unpatient or anything else. Her reaction just depends on the way, you tell her that.
Nobody's perfect. Isn't that right? Everybody has a good side and a bad side, makes mistakes. We are all human beings, not gods.
And we all have our weaknesses. One of hers is her fire phobia. Is it something, we can blame her for? Why?
I have an arachnophobia. Would you blame me for it? Oh, sometimes it is really embarassing when I see a spider crawling up the walls of our apartment, just a tiny little thing, but I almost get panic. My husband doesn't understand it, but he never smiles or makes me feel like a coward or a fool. It is a really serious problem for me and he knows that. So he always comes and takes it out. We don't kill an animal, just because I am afraid of it.
Ok, you can tell me that there are many spiders in the game, and you are right. Imagine what I felt, when I first saw them! Horrible. But I loved the game and didn't want to leave just because of virtual creepy-crawlies.
I was lucky, because they cannot crawl over my body or the body of my toons... and even in the caves of Grandville, I could think of: "dear, you cannot touch it and it cannot touch you".
I was lucky. Because I had a friend, who I could tell about, a friend, who didn't laugh, who didn't say, "I am sorry, but I cannot help you. I am sorry, but I really want to do this arc and if you cannot stand the mishes, do anything else." A friend who said instead: "let's do another arc... another mish" and, when I wanted to try it "tell me, if it becomes to hard for you". I am thankful for this friend.
Phobias are serious and painful things for those, who have them. Ok, almost everybody fears something. And nobody wants to be blamed for it. Don't think, I do accuse anyone having done this to her. I do not. But maybe... it was not clear enough, what exactly causes the problem as I had to learn the last few weeks. No auras, no fire swords, hot feets or imps, just a body who burns. A toon, who makes you feel like burning yourself. I don't want to imagine this feeling.
Of course our friends tried to help with good advice... from how to change the graphic settings up to not giving shields to her and to me. She asked me not to take shields, because so there was at least one body which didn't burn besides her own toon, a body she could look at during the fights She didn't demand it, she just asked me, and when she did so, I heard in her voice, what a pain it was for her to be forced to say this. She is such a strong woman and I think, she hates this weakness. I'm sorry for saying this, dear.
Her request, did it affect me in any way? No. Did my toon die more often without shields? No. Did I have to change my playstyle with any toon? Yes. Just a little bit, to make her feel comfortable, to act as her friend. Example: I have a fire/thermal corruptor. Yes, I have, maybe some remember the man with the scars in his face. When she first told me about her problem, and because most of the time we play together, I respeced his powers, and didn't take the shields anymore. Was it a problem for me? Did it make me feel like being treated unfair? No. Why should it? Being a friend means to act as one and sometimes to do things just because of friendship, because you like your friend and don't want him to feel bad or worse, to get sick. I don't expect doing the same of anyone, neither does she, even if some had the feeling, she did. But they got her wrong, and this one time, on this unfortunate Sunday, it was just a kind of accident, born of the situation, all together at one place, directly in front of a door, with toons, who didn't fit in any way because of the very different lvls. She was too direct on this Sunday, that's what she told me, what she was worried about, but she didn't want to hurt anyone and would have apologized at once, if the person concerned would have told her that.
I was not there when I it happened, so I cannot judge anyone. I can only imagine what happened, but not understand.
I thought, there would be no problem with the fire shields anymore. I thought, all our Sg friends knew, they understood, how serious Lenya's problem was, and how much she tried to work on it, to bother them as less as possible. How embarassing it was to ask every new teammate with thermal shields not to give them to her hoping they would understand and not laugh. And there were many enough, who did. I know that, because I often tried to help her and sent tells to the thermals, before she could do. I don't want to repeat, what answers I sometimes got.
I thought, we had a good agreement for our sg nights. I thought, everybody was happy, our thermal healer could use his shields for the others, and there would have been no other problem for any team member, especially not on heroside with toons, using fire powers.
But.. I do admit, as her, I hoped, in a future villain team would be no thermal again. Why?
Because it was me, who talked to her during the nights, to distract her from the burning bodies, it was me, who was always worried, if she gets sick or not. You can say, nobody forced her to be there, and yes... nobody did, but she really wanted to spend the time with all our friends, every Sunday night, when we got up at 2 o'clock in the morning, and everybody at home calls us crazy. We both wantedto be with you all, we had fun, we loved the teamings, the Roleplays, the group. And we thought, and still think, you did as well.
We always tried to be helpful and friendly in every respect. We often switched toons just for playing with friends or helping them. I think of Zipa and Bill, Ethe, Fyrus.... Was this extraordinary? No, because this is what friends do... and this is what our friends did for us. It was a good time...
And I think, we never gave anyone the feeling, he or she could not tell us, if there was a problem. Problems can only be solved, if they are known. Of course you can be too upset about whatever to talk about at once... of course you can ask anybody else for help. But.... if you are asked just two days later... if there was anything, which caused trouble, which made you feel unwelcome, uncomfortable, upset, is it not possible to tell the truth? Is it necessary to lie, to say: oh no, everything is ok? Don't worry!" And then let another one say: that is not true, you hurt her?
We are all adults, I guess, and we should be able to tell each other the truth, we should be able to have the courage to tell each other: "you said anything, which made me upset. you went too far, you hurt me". And we should be able to handle this kind of critisism. We should not fear each other or be afraid of an argument. People cannot always have the same opinion. It is just not possible.
What happened between our teamleader, Lektrus' player and my friend Lenya the last weeks has shocked me deeply. Yes, I know, of what I speak, because I read every single mail. I know, how stunned Lenya was, when she got the mail, how sad she became, when she learned, Lektrus' player could not tell her the truth, even when she asked her directly, and how sadness grew into anger, when she had to see, that every thing she said, was only considered as an accuse to the teamleader, although it was a problem between Lektrus' player and Lenya. It became a problem between the whole team.. and Lenya. I am member of the whole team, I had never a problem with it, and I cannot remember being asked about it. Can you? And if... why did you not tell her? Is she such a monster, you didn't dare it?
You, and I mean Lektrus's player, said: you didn't want to cause trouble, that's why you didn't tell her what you told Laridian. But this is what your being unable to talk frankly to Lenya caused, huge trouble. You haven't been the only one, who cried. I am sure, this was not your intend, as it was not Lenya's to hurt you. But... I feel so sad... because I tried all I could to avoid what happened now, that we had to leave. This is the result of what? A few harsh words, not meant to hurt? An open mentioned opinion? The result of an apology, what was spoken to the person concerned?
I don't say, it's the fault of someone special, I think, there were mistakes, made on both sides.
It is my opinion, and no accuse, let me clarify this, that it was a most unfortunate decision not to tell Lektrus' player about Lenya's problem. I am sure, because I think, her player is a friendly woman, she would have considered creating a toon with another combination for this or a later team. What doesn't means, she cannot creat a thermal at all, I know, she likes the thermal powers. But we do not play together all the time.
I thought, we always try to take for sg meetings those toons, who are best for the team, for success and for fun. So, it would have been an act of friendship to be considerate of her phobia, which is no spleen or a way to make herself feeling more important than others.
Or maybe, if we had sat together and I mean all, the whole sg, not only leader and the two others and if we had made plans for the next team, we could have find a new agreement for a non thermal team.
Oh yes, nobody should tell another one, what AT he should play. As I said, in an open talking, we could have found a solution for everybody. I said, for everybody, and that means for Lenya too. All the time she has been a valuable member of the SGs, as she was assured again and again, a friend to everyone, and her only problem consists of two shields and her sometimes being a bit too direct. Forgive me, dear, you know, we had a few arguments about it, because I can be as pig-headed as you, and sometimes say things, I don't mean like you understand them :)
But.. are we not still friends? Did we not learn, that it is better, always to tell each other, what bothers us? If there is really a problem! I am glad about every argument we had, now, when I see, what could have happened, if we didn't.
All these accuses... this: you can stand no fire shields, but you can play a fire troller, you have no problems with auras of fire tanks and scrappers but no shields!!! ... you treat the members of the teams, all member so condescending, make them change their playstyle. Was this really necessary? And if all members of our SG were so angry about your behaviour, dear, why did they not tell a word, in a friendly way, as friends do? Was it necessary to give you the feeling, you would be a very impolite snotnosed girl, who always wants to be right? I don't know, but not in my opinion. And I am sad, really sad and disappointed, because I would have never thought, this could happen. Maybe, and I say maybe... some things were not so understood as they were meant, because we are no native-speakers. But we tried our best, and misunderstandings... can be removed by talking to each other and not by ... I don't know how I could call the last few weeks without hurt anyone.
There have been a few things, I didn't talk about as well... because... I was a newcomer and I am truly shy and although I think, my English is not too bad, I have problems, writing down, what is in my mind. Concerning Xeli... Lenya told our leader about it, I know that. Sure, I was very sad, because, I am a healer with all my heart, and she is my truly most beloved toon. But.. I saw everyone was happy with Takuya, nobody seems to miss her and so I played her with Lenya and with other friends. Maybe I could have said a word to our leader or at least to Tak's player, but I like her and like her young toon and his kind way to call everyone a "san" and "sama". I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable, I didn't want to bother anyone. It was an act of friendship, not to insist of playing Xeli in SG nights, because Tak's player is a really nice girl, we had a lot of fun with her and I miss her, since she is not online so often anymore. I could do this, because Lenya helped me to bring another toon into the fitting level.
The only thing, I can really blame myself for is... not having talked to our leader about why not only one of our toons got at least the right to invite other members, so after 21 months of playing and earning a lot of prestige like any other member of the group we still had to wait for anyone to get an invite. It was a waste of prestige, because most of the others don't play as often as we, and it took more than a week to get a few toons into the group. Maybe I thought, it would have been not my task... but yes, I could have asked for it, I know, that was my mistake... maybe...
So... well... I'm astonished, how much it is... and where is the time gone? I still don't feel better, my heart beats fast and my stomach is really angry about all this trouble. I should take a break...
It was very hard to leave the groups, not because we would have no home from this minute on.... but because I didn't want to leave you, my friends. And I truly hope, that you understand, why I had to do this... I would have done the same for anyone else of you. And I hope, you don't think ill of me, nor of Lenya... we will be your friends and we will be glad to play with you and to help you with all we can do, if you want so. Just let us know.
Thank you for all the fun, the wonderful time, the excitement of every week and sg night, for joining us even on other servers.
Thanks for being friends.