[Holiday] Indepedence Day 2012
So, it's Independence Day in the U.S. But I'm here to talk about personal, emotional independence. Namely, mine.
A couple of years ago, I made a lot of posts for Sexual Assault Awareness Month in April. If you're really interested in reading them, I have a tag, click on it, but it's triggery stuff concerning my personal experiences.
In one of those posts, I made some noise about talking about my ex-fiance, and how I had come to realize that many of his actions were just as abusive as the others I spoke about. That post never happened.
Today, I'm ready to share what I believe is my final epiphany concerning him and my time with him.
When I think about him, and those on-again-off-again two years, the strongest emotion I can conjure is embarrassment.
Not shame.
Embarrassment.
I am embarrassed to have ever been in such a relationship. While a number of his actions can be construed as abusive, and I'll call them that because he took them knowing full well about my past, the vast majority of the whole thing was just... the most juvenile series of actions and reactions I've ever known.
Because we made a drama out of everything. To a really whacked-out extent. I'm talking threatening to walk home across two cities and threatening to throw oneself in traffic sort of whacked-out. We were not content to just be an immature, selfish young man and an immature, needy young woman. All the world was our stage and everything in it was of epic, life-shattering proportions. Not because it really was, not because we saw it as such, but because both of us actively created drama where there didn't have to be any, and threw an extra helping of llama on what was actually there.
And I am embarrassed to think that I ever acted that way, and embarrassed for his sake that he acted that way.
And that's it. That's all I feel for him or about him. And it's about time that got out there.
This entry was originally posted at http://celestineangel.dreamwidth.org/419323.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
A couple of years ago, I made a lot of posts for Sexual Assault Awareness Month in April. If you're really interested in reading them, I have a tag, click on it, but it's triggery stuff concerning my personal experiences.
In one of those posts, I made some noise about talking about my ex-fiance, and how I had come to realize that many of his actions were just as abusive as the others I spoke about. That post never happened.
Today, I'm ready to share what I believe is my final epiphany concerning him and my time with him.
When I think about him, and those on-again-off-again two years, the strongest emotion I can conjure is embarrassment.
Not shame.
Embarrassment.
I am embarrassed to have ever been in such a relationship. While a number of his actions can be construed as abusive, and I'll call them that because he took them knowing full well about my past, the vast majority of the whole thing was just... the most juvenile series of actions and reactions I've ever known.
Because we made a drama out of everything. To a really whacked-out extent. I'm talking threatening to walk home across two cities and threatening to throw oneself in traffic sort of whacked-out. We were not content to just be an immature, selfish young man and an immature, needy young woman. All the world was our stage and everything in it was of epic, life-shattering proportions. Not because it really was, not because we saw it as such, but because both of us actively created drama where there didn't have to be any, and threw an extra helping of llama on what was actually there.
And I am embarrassed to think that I ever acted that way, and embarrassed for his sake that he acted that way.
And that's it. That's all I feel for him or about him. And it's about time that got out there.
This entry was originally posted at http://celestineangel.dreamwidth.org/419323.html. Please comment there using OpenID.