birthday musings
Just like any other kindergarten student, I got stars rubber stamped on my right hand when I did good - brought what they asked, answered a question, read aloud, etc. We also had those cartolina thingies that had our pictures on it and teacher would stamp stars on them depending on the "greatness" of whatever it is we did. You brought that crap for show and tell? 1 Star. Did you bring a really really nice bouquet when show and tell today was about flowers? 5 stars. Come it think of it, it was very Star Search-ish. This reward system, I think allowed my pa-star tendencies to bloom at such a young age. This most basic of carrots and sticks taught me about adult approval and initiative and generally being pa-star. It also, I believe, taught me (and kids with the tendency to - like me) to compare myself to my peers.
I always thought all other kids had it hard. But I didn't think much of it. Yeah, kindergarten is unfairly competitive. Deal with it.
A year or 2 ago, I see my niece's coloring book and her kindergarten teacher gave her a bunch of stars. I didn't understand this. The flower was green, the stem was blue. There was no effort to stay in the lines, to make sure the coloring was solid, etc. Ok, I can forgive not trying (and failing) to erase the color that went over the lines, but to not use appropriate shade to simulate the real thing? How the hell does that even merit a star?! Let alone 3? How can you celebrate mediocrity? How will my niece learn to excel?
Apparently, most kids only get measured with "stars". So if you didn't do well, 1 star. Exceed and you get 90825689 stars or something retarded like that. And so far, no one has shared the kindergarten experience of the triangle rubber stamp with the smiling face (no teeth - the face on the star grinned with teeth) that said 好(good) except this one crazy chinese friend of mine. But even she did not experience being getting a stamped with a 不好. For my indio friends, 不 means "no" or "not", hence that stamp means you just wasted your time creating a piece of shit. It's your 老師 (teacher) going all House M.D. on your ass ("Nice tries are worthless"). NO ONE ended up with the 不好 stamp with the image of the CRYING BABY on their coloring books or hand or beside their picture on the cartolina. NO CRYING BABY FACE WITH THE PHRASE NO GOOD. Everyone is just, apparently, different gradations of 非常好 (very good). You bastards.
If my inferiority complex could be traced from anything, it would be this exercise of (what now seems to be) unusual cruelty. It has already been acknowledged that my tendency to overachieve is caused by my inferiority complex. (I still haven't overachieved, btw)
Anywho, OK, I'm rambling, I was never a good writer. Anywho, what has this got to do with me turning 24 in a few hours? Well, this time in my life has been very different from before. I'm not enrolled in grad school, I got a crappy raise, basically I'm not accomplishing anything that merits a certificate or a medal or any citation of sorts (aside from my tardiness). And though I know my life right now is amazing, it feels weird to just be strolling along, not off to the next pang-resume activity. My monthly to-do list (yes, I do have one) consists of events I'm supposed to go to, activities I should participate it, friends I'm supposed to meet up with. It's so carefree. And I enjoy ticking items off since it makes me feel like I've accomplished something. So I'll feel like I'm working towards something - no matter how minuscule it is. I've contrived to fill up my social calendar so I'll have something to fucking work on.
Since kindergarten, I always tried to be really good at something. And teachers always loved me. There was always something to work on. And even if I did them (in varying degrees of success, of course), may it be nursery rhyme recitation, acting, singing, drawing, chinese essay writing, outstanding star/junior/senior girl scout, student council, debating, etc., it only proved (albeit for the time being) that I was right about myself. I guess what I'm failing at illustrating with this paragraph is that I worked on things that confirmed who I thought I was.
And I was the smart little girl! The bibo little girl. The girl with the most potential. I was made to believe I would totally go far (cue Ave Q reference here).
And now I'm not. I'm just any other would-be 24 year old. And while i've learned that there's nothing to be ashamed of in that, I just feel so average. (好) You're not that little girl with potential to the brim. The sun is coming up and you're waking up along with the rest of them. Parang Amazing Race. Di na ikaw yung first team to depart.
I'm not saying I was great or anything. Come to think of it, I never really thought I was...but I had potential. But I've stopped even trying. And i think it's healthy because it never really satisfied me, and I'm into the whole learning about yourself shtick right now. But I just don't know anymore. I feel like a chicken with it's head cut off if I am to be cliche about it. Maybe it's this self-absorbed quarter life crisis crap everyone is compelled to go through. Maybe it's the dying breath of the old me. I really dunno. I guess as I grow old I begin to feel less and less special. I guess as one grows older, one tries less to change the world and learns to just find their little place under the sun.
Anyway, happy birthday to me. I'm not emo ah. I'm just rambling. Fuck I am not spending midnight in the office.