some fucking birthday
I have this twisted feeling in my stomach and I don't know why.
My birthday is tomorrow.
This is weird, to say the least. I don't know if it's the idea of another big tattoo, or how tight this tattoo makes our money, or the fact that things are so off for my birthday.
Things aren't bad off, I guess. I'm on vacation from work right now. I have off through the 11th, and it's paid. So, no real worries there. I think what threw me off was seeing my brother and my parents this morning. Went to the rents, saw Doug. Chatted a little, and that's when things started getting twisted.
It wasn't a bad conversation. It wasn't a good conversation. In fact, it was barely a conversation at all. I think part of what is getting to me this birthday is that I'm seeing my life and finally sucking it up. Seeing it as it is, which - while not all bad - is not what I wanted.
For this long time I kept trying to make my family a closer family. Demanding family dinners for my birthday, trying to spend as much time as possible with Sean when he was in town for holidays or random occasions, ferreting out all the bits of news I could get from things my brothers told my parents, or the friends of theirs that I was friends with, too. Trying to feel like I was a part of their lives. And with today.... For some reason, this lack of conversation just clicked when the others hadn't. It's not that he wouldn't talk or was mean. Something was just missing.
I was thinking that for this birthday I would just tell my brothers that I wanted nothing but a day to just hang out with them. But today I changed my mind and decided I'm not going to ask them for anything (except maybe mp3s of mullet!rock and classic rock that I don't have. But it's normal for my family to pass around music freely). I'm sucking it up and realizing the family I was hoping for in my head isn't gonna happen. They have their lives, and I have mine. They're still my brothers and I will forever try to please them in the small moments we see each other, but I'm done trying to fit myself in where I'm not wanted.
God, I'm crying just typing this - and I hate myself for it.
Some fucking birthday.
I wish I hadn't decided to quit smoking today. Cold turkey (where did that phrase even come from?). I wish..... I don't even know what I wish. That shit like this wasn't so hard.
*sigh*
Tonight is the night, I think, where I finally pull my act together and search through my music and find all those motivating lyrics I've been meaning to write down. See, I don't want quotes. Random quotes don't float my boat. They seem full of cheese, and I'm not talking about yummy Wisconsin super sharp cheddar. I'm a music oriented person, always have been. I have soundtracks in my head for all the moments of my life. So, what I'm doing is going through my music and pulling those lines from here or there to write them on my mirror on my dresser. See, the mirror is what I see when I sit up in bed first thing in the morning. And I don't want a random quote. I want lines that I know, and recognize, and give me this clench in my heart that I was meant to make more of my life and that, while it's hard, I can do it, and should do it, and will do it now.
I'm going to stop saying I plan on. I'm going to do it. Stop planning on making a change. Stop planning on things when something changes. Stop saying, "I would have, but..." or, "I'm going to, when...". No more. Now.
Fuck. I could really use a cigarette. Or my punching bag.
Okay. Lyrics. Now. Maybe once I have them all, all the ones I hear and think it would be good on the mirror, I'll put them in here. Add them to memories, or whatever. For when I need to give in and clean the mirror.
.....
Pulling my life.
My birthday is tomorrow.
This is weird, to say the least. I don't know if it's the idea of another big tattoo, or how tight this tattoo makes our money, or the fact that things are so off for my birthday.
Things aren't bad off, I guess. I'm on vacation from work right now. I have off through the 11th, and it's paid. So, no real worries there. I think what threw me off was seeing my brother and my parents this morning. Went to the rents, saw Doug. Chatted a little, and that's when things started getting twisted.
It wasn't a bad conversation. It wasn't a good conversation. In fact, it was barely a conversation at all. I think part of what is getting to me this birthday is that I'm seeing my life and finally sucking it up. Seeing it as it is, which - while not all bad - is not what I wanted.
For this long time I kept trying to make my family a closer family. Demanding family dinners for my birthday, trying to spend as much time as possible with Sean when he was in town for holidays or random occasions, ferreting out all the bits of news I could get from things my brothers told my parents, or the friends of theirs that I was friends with, too. Trying to feel like I was a part of their lives. And with today.... For some reason, this lack of conversation just clicked when the others hadn't. It's not that he wouldn't talk or was mean. Something was just missing.
I was thinking that for this birthday I would just tell my brothers that I wanted nothing but a day to just hang out with them. But today I changed my mind and decided I'm not going to ask them for anything (except maybe mp3s of mullet!rock and classic rock that I don't have. But it's normal for my family to pass around music freely). I'm sucking it up and realizing the family I was hoping for in my head isn't gonna happen. They have their lives, and I have mine. They're still my brothers and I will forever try to please them in the small moments we see each other, but I'm done trying to fit myself in where I'm not wanted.
God, I'm crying just typing this - and I hate myself for it.
Some fucking birthday.
I wish I hadn't decided to quit smoking today. Cold turkey (where did that phrase even come from?). I wish..... I don't even know what I wish. That shit like this wasn't so hard.
*sigh*
Tonight is the night, I think, where I finally pull my act together and search through my music and find all those motivating lyrics I've been meaning to write down. See, I don't want quotes. Random quotes don't float my boat. They seem full of cheese, and I'm not talking about yummy Wisconsin super sharp cheddar. I'm a music oriented person, always have been. I have soundtracks in my head for all the moments of my life. So, what I'm doing is going through my music and pulling those lines from here or there to write them on my mirror on my dresser. See, the mirror is what I see when I sit up in bed first thing in the morning. And I don't want a random quote. I want lines that I know, and recognize, and give me this clench in my heart that I was meant to make more of my life and that, while it's hard, I can do it, and should do it, and will do it now.
I'm going to stop saying I plan on. I'm going to do it. Stop planning on making a change. Stop planning on things when something changes. Stop saying, "I would have, but..." or, "I'm going to, when...". No more. Now.
Fuck. I could really use a cigarette. Or my punching bag.
Okay. Lyrics. Now. Maybe once I have them all, all the ones I hear and think it would be good on the mirror, I'll put them in here. Add them to memories, or whatever. For when I need to give in and clean the mirror.
.....
Pulling my life.