A Safe Haven
It's been more than a year since I've written anything here. Honestly, part of the reason I'm even writing now is because I'm pretty sure nobody will read this. Maybe Casie. Maybe an old LJ friend. I don't really know.
I just.... I'm tired. And frustrated. And angry so often, now. *sigh*
It wouldn't seem like it, to people who see me all the time. To my people. Mara, Casie, Chris. Those people make me forget how much everything is getting to me. But the downtime, what I have of it, things pile up so quick.
The stupidest thing, though, is how much is work related. Sure, money issues suck - but everyone has that. The average american has, what, $8000 in debt? Something like that. The family issues - not Chris, mind you. The wedding in February was great, reception in June was great - even with my oldest brother stopping me in the middle of it to talk about birth control. Chris is wonderful, there's no doubt about it. Mara even declared that Chris is officially not a douche bag - which means she loves him. The three of us are ridiculous together.
But, no. The family issues are dad related. I've got Daddy issues. Yes. Mainly because I think my father is a douche bag. Most of the time, anyhow. But I can't just cut him off, stop talking to him, mainly because my money is still tied to his. I would love to just not speak to him, but when I even try. Lets just say things go...wrong.
Putting that aside, back to work. And why I stress so much over it. It's just work. But, this was a job I loved. Lived for. It suited me so well. I thrived. I did school, and while I'd originally hoped for something different with a marketing degree, it morphed into me using that degree for VS. Working up the food chain, or what have you. But every time I turn around...it's just. Nothing is happening anymore. It's all 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I'm never happy going to work. Just tired. I get there and instead of being something I could look forward to all I want to do is punch one of my managers in the jaw. No lie. Extreme, I know. But when a place that seemed so perfect just slides downhill like it has. I'm tired of being talked down to when I'm the more tenyered associate. I'm tired of having b.s. excuses thrown at me about why nothing is changes. I'm sick of managers having favorites. I want them to stop giving me something that I can work with, build on, only to yank it out from under me without a care as to what I think. It's a constant build-up and then let down and I just don't know what to do.
*sigh* You'd say just quit, but nothing's ever that easy. It's hard to let go. I can tell myself to stick it out to a certain point, but am I really going to leave then, or keep waiting? Should I suck it up and leave sooner? I don't know if I could make myself do that. I'll have been there for 4 years in November. How do you just walk away from that sort of history?
Life. Ugh.
So, yeah. Back in LJland. What used to be my happy place, long ago, is my new safe haven. For when Chris isn't the right person to talk to, for when I've already vented to Mara too much.
I swear, I have lots of laughs and smiles and whatnot. That'll be here, too. But it's things between friends. Stuff that only Mara might giggle at. Things from our past, retarded moments with me, Mara, and Chris, stupid SPN jokes. It's just that with today off, and my touch base with our store manager and the mid-year review tomorrow, I'm left feeling...blah. Mara's out of town, and while 60-some texts make things better for those 3 hours it takes, it's not the same as having her here.
Mer.
Enough for now. Things to do. No more dealing with issues tonight. Things to look forward to tomorrow. Post-touch base is my appointment with JohnBoy to sketch out my new tattoo. My new little rebellion.
*happy sigh*
I just.... I'm tired. And frustrated. And angry so often, now. *sigh*
It wouldn't seem like it, to people who see me all the time. To my people. Mara, Casie, Chris. Those people make me forget how much everything is getting to me. But the downtime, what I have of it, things pile up so quick.
The stupidest thing, though, is how much is work related. Sure, money issues suck - but everyone has that. The average american has, what, $8000 in debt? Something like that. The family issues - not Chris, mind you. The wedding in February was great, reception in June was great - even with my oldest brother stopping me in the middle of it to talk about birth control. Chris is wonderful, there's no doubt about it. Mara even declared that Chris is officially not a douche bag - which means she loves him. The three of us are ridiculous together.
But, no. The family issues are dad related. I've got Daddy issues. Yes. Mainly because I think my father is a douche bag. Most of the time, anyhow. But I can't just cut him off, stop talking to him, mainly because my money is still tied to his. I would love to just not speak to him, but when I even try. Lets just say things go...wrong.
Putting that aside, back to work. And why I stress so much over it. It's just work. But, this was a job I loved. Lived for. It suited me so well. I thrived. I did school, and while I'd originally hoped for something different with a marketing degree, it morphed into me using that degree for VS. Working up the food chain, or what have you. But every time I turn around...it's just. Nothing is happening anymore. It's all 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I'm never happy going to work. Just tired. I get there and instead of being something I could look forward to all I want to do is punch one of my managers in the jaw. No lie. Extreme, I know. But when a place that seemed so perfect just slides downhill like it has. I'm tired of being talked down to when I'm the more tenyered associate. I'm tired of having b.s. excuses thrown at me about why nothing is changes. I'm sick of managers having favorites. I want them to stop giving me something that I can work with, build on, only to yank it out from under me without a care as to what I think. It's a constant build-up and then let down and I just don't know what to do.
*sigh* You'd say just quit, but nothing's ever that easy. It's hard to let go. I can tell myself to stick it out to a certain point, but am I really going to leave then, or keep waiting? Should I suck it up and leave sooner? I don't know if I could make myself do that. I'll have been there for 4 years in November. How do you just walk away from that sort of history?
Life. Ugh.
So, yeah. Back in LJland. What used to be my happy place, long ago, is my new safe haven. For when Chris isn't the right person to talk to, for when I've already vented to Mara too much.
I swear, I have lots of laughs and smiles and whatnot. That'll be here, too. But it's things between friends. Stuff that only Mara might giggle at. Things from our past, retarded moments with me, Mara, and Chris, stupid SPN jokes. It's just that with today off, and my touch base with our store manager and the mid-year review tomorrow, I'm left feeling...blah. Mara's out of town, and while 60-some texts make things better for those 3 hours it takes, it's not the same as having her here.
Mer.
Enough for now. Things to do. No more dealing with issues tonight. Things to look forward to tomorrow. Post-touch base is my appointment with JohnBoy to sketch out my new tattoo. My new little rebellion.
*happy sigh*