(no subject)
I know I put too much pressure on myself, and even knowing this I can't seem to stop doing it. When I actively attempt to not worry about things, I make myself worry about the fact that I'm not worrying about them. I think I'm just destined to worry.
The wedding is the biggest thing I have in my life right now (okay, perhaps not the biggest, but besides my job, it is certainly the thing that I'm sure I spend most of my time with). I think I'm so worried about this because I have never thought that I could put something together that is "nice and pretty." I'm not that type of girl. I've always been the tomboy, and I've never really cared about what 'girly girls' would tend to care about. I'm putting pressure on myself because I'm not even sure I can pull this off the way I want it to. I've never had to, and I've never been made to be "pretty" and even when I try, I never think that I pull it off. I don't think that way about myself, and I'm scared that what I try to put together is going to have people looking and say "What did you do that for?" or "What was she thinking?" It's constantly at the forefront of my brain when I pick things out and put things together. Will I be able to impress them ... and myself? I think I don't so much worry about the other people (though I still worry that I will disappoint his family because .. well .. it worries me) so much as I'm afraid that I won't impress myself. It's that perfection thing, I suppose. I want things to go just so and just the way I would like it to and have things go off without a hitch. I know that because it's a wedding, things won't go that way, but I don't want ANYONE else to know the things that don't go well. It's kind of like being on stage - if you don't show them then they won't know, but at the same time, on stage I'm someone else, and this is all me. This is me showing my future in-laws (of every name and what not -) that I am capable of doing this and pulling this off and that I'm not going to disappoint anyone and I am able to take care of him. Logically and mentally -- intelligently I am very well aware that whatever happens at the wedding has absolutely no bearing on whether or not I'm able to take care of him. I mean, hell, look at the history -- look at what we've been through and what I've done with him and gone through with him. Anyone that would think that I wouldn't be able to take care of him has their heads up their asses. However ... that doesn't mean that I don't still think this. I'm well aware that this is all in my head and that inevitably nobody will think that. It's all about the perfection that I want, and to have it be that day that I envisioned. And I'm not sure when I went completely girl, but I suppose when planning a wedding, it can happen. Plans are going well, and nothing really has hit a snag, so I'm waiting for something to happen because it has gone too well.
Then I think about "What if my insides are going to act up that day?" And that scares the bejeepers out of me. Though, since it is my day, I guess that if I decide that I need to run out and use the bathroom that nobody can really say anything, right?
The wedding is the biggest thing I have in my life right now (okay, perhaps not the biggest, but besides my job, it is certainly the thing that I'm sure I spend most of my time with). I think I'm so worried about this because I have never thought that I could put something together that is "nice and pretty." I'm not that type of girl. I've always been the tomboy, and I've never really cared about what 'girly girls' would tend to care about. I'm putting pressure on myself because I'm not even sure I can pull this off the way I want it to. I've never had to, and I've never been made to be "pretty" and even when I try, I never think that I pull it off. I don't think that way about myself, and I'm scared that what I try to put together is going to have people looking and say "What did you do that for?" or "What was she thinking?" It's constantly at the forefront of my brain when I pick things out and put things together. Will I be able to impress them ... and myself? I think I don't so much worry about the other people (though I still worry that I will disappoint his family because .. well .. it worries me) so much as I'm afraid that I won't impress myself. It's that perfection thing, I suppose. I want things to go just so and just the way I would like it to and have things go off without a hitch. I know that because it's a wedding, things won't go that way, but I don't want ANYONE else to know the things that don't go well. It's kind of like being on stage - if you don't show them then they won't know, but at the same time, on stage I'm someone else, and this is all me. This is me showing my future in-laws (of every name and what not -) that I am capable of doing this and pulling this off and that I'm not going to disappoint anyone and I am able to take care of him. Logically and mentally -- intelligently I am very well aware that whatever happens at the wedding has absolutely no bearing on whether or not I'm able to take care of him. I mean, hell, look at the history -- look at what we've been through and what I've done with him and gone through with him. Anyone that would think that I wouldn't be able to take care of him has their heads up their asses. However ... that doesn't mean that I don't still think this. I'm well aware that this is all in my head and that inevitably nobody will think that. It's all about the perfection that I want, and to have it be that day that I envisioned. And I'm not sure when I went completely girl, but I suppose when planning a wedding, it can happen. Plans are going well, and nothing really has hit a snag, so I'm waiting for something to happen because it has gone too well.
Then I think about "What if my insides are going to act up that day?" And that scares the bejeepers out of me. Though, since it is my day, I guess that if I decide that I need to run out and use the bathroom that nobody can really say anything, right?