Painful love...
Michael... If I have ever seen my feelings written down on paper by someone else ... you typed them. I completely understand.. well mostly understand (cause I'm not you). I hurt every time I think about her... cause I know I could have made it better, if she only gave me the chance. I know that I could make it better now, but she is dating someone who, as she put it, is happy. I have depression issues that she knew about going in, and I was seriously working on them... and she now throws them in my face. Its like she is grasping for excuses to not love me... she says she doesn't love me like that... and then she says she never said that. She tells me things about him I don't wanna know; and I wish... I wish I could have her back.
I had a dream last night... that I was going on a trip with Beta Gamma, and they said "you ride with Justin"... and I was like Who? and they said "this percussion guy" and my heart dropped. I walked over and introduced myself to him, shook his hand... so hard it hurt my own... and then he looked me in the eyes and said "so you are the reason she killed herself."
And my heart dropped again. and He went on and on and on about how I should just go kill myself, and all he was there for is to make her content for a little while so he can get some pussy... and then I turn around, ready to scream and cry and hit him and all kinds of things.. and there she is.
Standing there as beautiful as ever, and she smiles at me... then goes to talk to him.
We end up in his car, which was some blue sports car...lol....going to wherever we were going. She pledged her love to me, and apologized for all the time we were apart, and asked if we could start over. I held her tight in my arms... told her I love her... and I woke up.
I have never wished for eternal sleep so hard as I did when I woke up... I just... I wanted to dream that dream forever...perhaps on the pretext that if you believe in something hard enough it will come true.
I miss her, and I miss her family... mostly her parents... but everyone really.
I hate that she has found someone.... and that I Can't because I hurt so bad. I have had opportunities... but I fuck them up intentionally so I can't love again... I don't want to love again... not if it can fade so fast for her. I Wish I could take every hurtful word and every angry look, and every fight, and all the jealousy, and bundle them in a ball, and throw them away... and have her back today... but I can't show her how much I have changed because she never let me try... it was "be my friend and we'll see" but... some times... friends aren't able to see everything... especially if they are nevr called... and are caused to be the only line of communication.
Her friends convinced her she was better without me...so she is.... and I Still believe that she believes that she didn't control me... when thats what MY friends saw.
Bottom Line, literally, I am hurt, I hate someone I have never seen, and I want to be allowed to love her again. And this is public.
I had a dream last night... that I was going on a trip with Beta Gamma, and they said "you ride with Justin"... and I was like Who? and they said "this percussion guy" and my heart dropped. I walked over and introduced myself to him, shook his hand... so hard it hurt my own... and then he looked me in the eyes and said "so you are the reason she killed herself."
And my heart dropped again. and He went on and on and on about how I should just go kill myself, and all he was there for is to make her content for a little while so he can get some pussy... and then I turn around, ready to scream and cry and hit him and all kinds of things.. and there she is.
Standing there as beautiful as ever, and she smiles at me... then goes to talk to him.
We end up in his car, which was some blue sports car...lol....going to wherever we were going. She pledged her love to me, and apologized for all the time we were apart, and asked if we could start over. I held her tight in my arms... told her I love her... and I woke up.
I have never wished for eternal sleep so hard as I did when I woke up... I just... I wanted to dream that dream forever...perhaps on the pretext that if you believe in something hard enough it will come true.
I miss her, and I miss her family... mostly her parents... but everyone really.
I hate that she has found someone.... and that I Can't because I hurt so bad. I have had opportunities... but I fuck them up intentionally so I can't love again... I don't want to love again... not if it can fade so fast for her. I Wish I could take every hurtful word and every angry look, and every fight, and all the jealousy, and bundle them in a ball, and throw them away... and have her back today... but I can't show her how much I have changed because she never let me try... it was "be my friend and we'll see" but... some times... friends aren't able to see everything... especially if they are nevr called... and are caused to be the only line of communication.
Her friends convinced her she was better without me...so she is.... and I Still believe that she believes that she didn't control me... when thats what MY friends saw.
Bottom Line, literally, I am hurt, I hate someone I have never seen, and I want to be allowed to love her again. And this is public.