49 Days
Some of you know that Masa's grandfather passed way a couple of weeks ago. From the fraction I have learned from Masa about Japanese Buddhist funerals, that fraction alone is a LOT of work, who knows what else needs to be done. After his grandfather passed away the body needed to be kept at home for two days, and not able to touch it, relatives and friends would come and talk to him and say their goodbyes. During this time there must always be incense burning, so the whole family would have to wake up at 3am to light more incense.
After two days, there is a ceremony which i have no clue about, then the body is cremated. After the cremation the bones and ashes are then placed somewhere. The family then has to pick up the bones with chopsticks (plain regular chopsticks) and put them in an urn. While picking up the bones you do it with another person, always two people are picking up a bone and putting it in the urn (larger bones like the skull are smashes so they are in smaller pieces, along with picking up bones the teeth are picked up as well).
After that ceremony the bones stay in the home for 49 days. During that period incense is lit (doesn't have to be continuous) and friends and family that couldn't make it to the ceremony can come and visit and talk to the grandfather. After the 49 days there is another ceremony where parts of the bones and ash are entombed in a monument in a cemetery. The remaining bones and ash rest on an alter at home.
That's all I know about the Japanese Buddhist funeral ceremony, there is lots more that I don't know about. But just that much is crazy.
These 49 days is like a countdown, and not a good one. Masa's family is chalk FULL on drama! All centered on his mom, it's almost enough to be able to make a movie if you threw in some ninjas and samurais. All this drama is centered around Masa's mother.
Background into Masa's family; His mother is divorced and his aunt never married they were living together in his grandfather's house. Masa's grandfather lived to be 96, his mother would take care of the grandfather and the aunt was working. This living arrangement was only bonded by the grandfather. Now that he has passed away major decisions have to be made.
Masa's mother and aunt don't want to live together, the aunt wouldn't mind it's just that the sisters fight all the time and it's largely due to his mom, she is stubborn, dramatic, and FULL of pride. Now they are fighting everyday, and I guess it's like a war zone at home.
During the 49 days no decisions will be made, but once the funeral happens then I think a lot of talking and meetings and more drama will start up. There is a RIDICULOUS Japanese law that also folds into the mix enhancing the complications. This law states that estates, property, and houses cannot be passed down to family members if they do not have the same name as you. That's right, you can't leave in your will your own property to family if they have a different last name from you.
Masa's aunt is going to tear down the grandfather's house and build a new one as the one they live in is quite old and she really wants a new one (The grandfather's house was passed to the aunt) The aunt never married so her last name is Suzuki like the grandfather's name. Masa's mother never change back her name after the divorce as it's more difficult and also a stigma to children if you change their last name (Fuji), the aunt also has a second smaller house that his mom's dead beat boyfriend was living in for free but passed away a few months ago.
Is this confusing? Am I not typing coherently? That's because it's really a lot to keep track of.
After the 49 days here are the things that need to be decided:
1. Where is the mother going to be living
2. How is she going to be supported?
3. The aunt wants to adopt one of her sister's children so that she can pass the house down to a family member after she passes away.
4. Which of the three brothers is to be adopted?
Masa's mother has no driver's license and she has never had a job. All these years she has been supported by her sister (and their grandfather's retirement pension) The fact that she has been taken care of by her sister all her life and now there are major changes going on has her pride over the top. She hasn't asked any of her sons to take care of her, nor has she yet to ask her sister to keep taking care of her, she I think is waiting for someone to offer.
The three brothers need to decide what to do, if she is going to live with one of them, or as I suggested she live in the second house and the three brothers pool their money together to give their mom a monthly living allowance. That makes too much sense, so I'm pretty sure they won't do it.
The aunt wants to adopt one of her sister's children, the aunt also feels like her's sister's children are her own as well. The sisters basically raised the three brothers together, and the aunt was the source for the financial support. The aunt even paid for all of Masa's university education and the multiple trips to America he made for his education and for his pursuit of colour guard. Yes, I guess in Japan you can adopt adults...
The reason why wants to adopt is; 1. As I stated previously you need to have a family member of the same name to pass down estate. 2. The person she adopts will take on her last name and kind of become a retainer. When the time comes when she needs someone to take care of her whoever she adopts will need to move into the house and help take care of her. 3. So that the adopted son will be able to take care of the Suzuki cemetery.
Of course and understandably the mother doesn't want her sister to adopt one of her children, however it would be horrible for the family to loose the houses and property. They have been discussing which brother would be best to adopt.
The oldest brother has already said no to the request, as he has children, and for some reason it's extra hard to change children's last names and a stigma is attached to it that could affect their social life in school, friends etc...
The middle brother also has children and has yet to respond to give an answer.
The youngest brother, Masa. Is the best candidate for adoption as in their eyes is single, not yet married and has no children. So he can easily be adopted and change his last name, get married, and have children and be able to continue the Suzuki line. If only they knew he was gay.
So, at the end of the 49 days decisions need to start being talked about and made. I have talked to gay people who have had to move back home to take care of their parents and take ownership of the family home and that has split the couple up. I'm not worried about that at all, I have very little fear Masa would leave me to take care of his aunt.
The only real concern I have at the moment is that Masa will be put under a lot of stress, a lot of pressure, and guilt to take on family obligations, all because he is perceived as a straight single male. Masa is thinking about coming out to his mother and aunt, and was thinking of doing it around January. He still hasn't decided if he can come out or not. He wants to, but it's a difficult thing to do, especially when it will likely not be received well at all, most definitely not. To add to the fear his mom once found a gay magazine in his room when he was 20, and said she felt disgusted! And someone she has managed to block out or gloss over this history and still firmly believe he is straight. (Most Japanese don't understand what gay is, and at best of times see it as a hobby).
One of my friends suggested the aunt pretend to sell the house to Masa's mother so that the house could be passed down to her children without someone having to be adopted. It is a good idea, however I think that the aunt's pride will get in the way, she could alternatively pretend to sell it to one of the children. Also I'm sure Japan has a way to make that not an option as it would be breaking the preset mold of how things need to be done. Another complication is i'm not sure if it will satisfy the aunt's desire to have someone take care of the Suzuki family cemetery. However he is going to talk to his aunt about it as an option, and I told Masa that REALLY any one can take care of a cemetery plot, and you are family even with different last names, so it doesn't need to be a big deal. He promised he would talk to her about selling the house to a Fujii family member as way of making things more simple, but again he isn't sure she will go for it.
Again, this could TOTALLY be made into a Japanese TV drama or movie. Sadly it's an archaic law that Japan refuses to change (they rarely change laws) that is adding to a lot of family drama. I'm sure I will let you know how the events unfold. I just really hope there won't be too much pressure and stress on Masa. I offered my services to just go in and literally slap some sense into his mom, Honey Badger style, but he won't go for it...yet.
After two days, there is a ceremony which i have no clue about, then the body is cremated. After the cremation the bones and ashes are then placed somewhere. The family then has to pick up the bones with chopsticks (plain regular chopsticks) and put them in an urn. While picking up the bones you do it with another person, always two people are picking up a bone and putting it in the urn (larger bones like the skull are smashes so they are in smaller pieces, along with picking up bones the teeth are picked up as well).
After that ceremony the bones stay in the home for 49 days. During that period incense is lit (doesn't have to be continuous) and friends and family that couldn't make it to the ceremony can come and visit and talk to the grandfather. After the 49 days there is another ceremony where parts of the bones and ash are entombed in a monument in a cemetery. The remaining bones and ash rest on an alter at home.
That's all I know about the Japanese Buddhist funeral ceremony, there is lots more that I don't know about. But just that much is crazy.
These 49 days is like a countdown, and not a good one. Masa's family is chalk FULL on drama! All centered on his mom, it's almost enough to be able to make a movie if you threw in some ninjas and samurais. All this drama is centered around Masa's mother.
Background into Masa's family; His mother is divorced and his aunt never married they were living together in his grandfather's house. Masa's grandfather lived to be 96, his mother would take care of the grandfather and the aunt was working. This living arrangement was only bonded by the grandfather. Now that he has passed away major decisions have to be made.
Masa's mother and aunt don't want to live together, the aunt wouldn't mind it's just that the sisters fight all the time and it's largely due to his mom, she is stubborn, dramatic, and FULL of pride. Now they are fighting everyday, and I guess it's like a war zone at home.
During the 49 days no decisions will be made, but once the funeral happens then I think a lot of talking and meetings and more drama will start up. There is a RIDICULOUS Japanese law that also folds into the mix enhancing the complications. This law states that estates, property, and houses cannot be passed down to family members if they do not have the same name as you. That's right, you can't leave in your will your own property to family if they have a different last name from you.
Masa's aunt is going to tear down the grandfather's house and build a new one as the one they live in is quite old and she really wants a new one (The grandfather's house was passed to the aunt) The aunt never married so her last name is Suzuki like the grandfather's name. Masa's mother never change back her name after the divorce as it's more difficult and also a stigma to children if you change their last name (Fuji), the aunt also has a second smaller house that his mom's dead beat boyfriend was living in for free but passed away a few months ago.
Is this confusing? Am I not typing coherently? That's because it's really a lot to keep track of.
After the 49 days here are the things that need to be decided:
1. Where is the mother going to be living
2. How is she going to be supported?
3. The aunt wants to adopt one of her sister's children so that she can pass the house down to a family member after she passes away.
4. Which of the three brothers is to be adopted?
Masa's mother has no driver's license and she has never had a job. All these years she has been supported by her sister (and their grandfather's retirement pension) The fact that she has been taken care of by her sister all her life and now there are major changes going on has her pride over the top. She hasn't asked any of her sons to take care of her, nor has she yet to ask her sister to keep taking care of her, she I think is waiting for someone to offer.
The three brothers need to decide what to do, if she is going to live with one of them, or as I suggested she live in the second house and the three brothers pool their money together to give their mom a monthly living allowance. That makes too much sense, so I'm pretty sure they won't do it.
The aunt wants to adopt one of her sister's children, the aunt also feels like her's sister's children are her own as well. The sisters basically raised the three brothers together, and the aunt was the source for the financial support. The aunt even paid for all of Masa's university education and the multiple trips to America he made for his education and for his pursuit of colour guard. Yes, I guess in Japan you can adopt adults...
The reason why wants to adopt is; 1. As I stated previously you need to have a family member of the same name to pass down estate. 2. The person she adopts will take on her last name and kind of become a retainer. When the time comes when she needs someone to take care of her whoever she adopts will need to move into the house and help take care of her. 3. So that the adopted son will be able to take care of the Suzuki cemetery.
Of course and understandably the mother doesn't want her sister to adopt one of her children, however it would be horrible for the family to loose the houses and property. They have been discussing which brother would be best to adopt.
The oldest brother has already said no to the request, as he has children, and for some reason it's extra hard to change children's last names and a stigma is attached to it that could affect their social life in school, friends etc...
The middle brother also has children and has yet to respond to give an answer.
The youngest brother, Masa. Is the best candidate for adoption as in their eyes is single, not yet married and has no children. So he can easily be adopted and change his last name, get married, and have children and be able to continue the Suzuki line. If only they knew he was gay.
So, at the end of the 49 days decisions need to start being talked about and made. I have talked to gay people who have had to move back home to take care of their parents and take ownership of the family home and that has split the couple up. I'm not worried about that at all, I have very little fear Masa would leave me to take care of his aunt.
The only real concern I have at the moment is that Masa will be put under a lot of stress, a lot of pressure, and guilt to take on family obligations, all because he is perceived as a straight single male. Masa is thinking about coming out to his mother and aunt, and was thinking of doing it around January. He still hasn't decided if he can come out or not. He wants to, but it's a difficult thing to do, especially when it will likely not be received well at all, most definitely not. To add to the fear his mom once found a gay magazine in his room when he was 20, and said she felt disgusted! And someone she has managed to block out or gloss over this history and still firmly believe he is straight. (Most Japanese don't understand what gay is, and at best of times see it as a hobby).
One of my friends suggested the aunt pretend to sell the house to Masa's mother so that the house could be passed down to her children without someone having to be adopted. It is a good idea, however I think that the aunt's pride will get in the way, she could alternatively pretend to sell it to one of the children. Also I'm sure Japan has a way to make that not an option as it would be breaking the preset mold of how things need to be done. Another complication is i'm not sure if it will satisfy the aunt's desire to have someone take care of the Suzuki family cemetery. However he is going to talk to his aunt about it as an option, and I told Masa that REALLY any one can take care of a cemetery plot, and you are family even with different last names, so it doesn't need to be a big deal. He promised he would talk to her about selling the house to a Fujii family member as way of making things more simple, but again he isn't sure she will go for it.
Again, this could TOTALLY be made into a Japanese TV drama or movie. Sadly it's an archaic law that Japan refuses to change (they rarely change laws) that is adding to a lot of family drama. I'm sure I will let you know how the events unfold. I just really hope there won't be too much pressure and stress on Masa. I offered my services to just go in and literally slap some sense into his mom, Honey Badger style, but he won't go for it...yet.