Grandfather
I got a phone call today... My grandfather is in the hospital... and it is not good. The doctors don't exactly know yet what is going on... they are going to do a preliminary surgery tomorrow morning to find out what is going on. His heart is failing, and the appointment he was supose to make 6 months ago... never got made. He wants to die, all that I know is that they give him anywhere from a few weeks... to a few months, maybe a year. :(
I know I don't have a year with him left. He at the moment does seem to want to live... but like always the mood will change and so will his will to live... again. I came clean with my grandmother today... I cried and belive me it took everything I had.
"Grandma... you know I'm not a materialistic person right? You know I don't have a want for things right?"
"Yes, Megan... I know."
"I need to tell you something... I have only wanted a few things in my intire life... (and I start to tear up) 1. That I meet someone that will fall in love with the real me and care and love me as I deserve. 2. My GRANDFATHER gives me away, and walks me down the isle at my wedding. (which I know if this happens will not be anytime soon esepecially since I don't have anyone in my life at the moment) and 3. That you are around long enough to see and hold my first born child. (and the tears are flowing now) That is all I've ever wanted. I know your not going to be around forever but before you go I just wanted these few things in life.
"Megan sometimes you don't always get what you want in life, you know this."
the conversation went on... I asked her to tell him. I simply don't have the strength. Matter of fact when he was lying in the bed talking to me... I had the "When I die" conversation... I've had them before (almost daily when living with them in the past... they have really been anticipating this for a long time) but this time was diffrent.. this time it is attached to a real posiblity he could die.
This man has been like a FATHER to me my whole life... and the only people that has actually cared about ME, and wanted to see me happy in life. They have protected me as a child from my stepfather... they have taken me in and watched me grow... they nag me about my life because they genuinely want to see me with someone that is good to me, and doing a job I love... and happy with the life I have made. They are all I have and I'm loosing them.
I have been realizing a lot this week. 1. I made the right desision to cut my mother out (and WOW this drama unfolded further today... she is the lowest life form out there, hell I would rather have a conversation with BRUCE that ever talk to her again... if that tells you ANYTHING!!!) 2. I have friends yes... but right now, in my time off need I know I can not rely on not even ONE of them to be here for me. They are all so self obsorved with there own problems and cares to really be a shoulder to cry on when I need it. (save one... and I called & left a message) We have the fun friendship... we have a great time and relax so a crisis has never occured since we have been friends, it will be interesting to see what pans out.
My grandmother said to me today... "You know... I really thought Rik was going to be the one for you. I thought he was going to take care of you, and be there for you, I can't belive I was wrong. He was so good, and took such good care of you when you were together... Do you hear from him at all anymore?"
He was not good for me... he was in love with someone else... he walked out on me... he turned his back on me. I gave him everything I had, he gave me nothing (save a broken heart) Things happen for a reason... and I'm glad he left, for I would never have left him, and it was better to find out sooner that he was a bad person that after it would have been too late.
The timing for this is horrible... I don't even know what to say to him... I love you seems silly, he never uses that word. (well 2 times in my whole life) I'm going to visit him tonight, this may be the last time I'll ever have a conversation with him... I'm hoping he can "Yell" at me one last time at least. The only thing I got this morning was "I want you to have the poker chip set you gave me... that was a right nice set and you should enjoy that." I think that was the only thing he has ever gotten that he loved. (gift wise... he hates them in general) He once talked about a set he saved, and saved for when he was younger (around 17) and his roommate at the time stole it... and then he never got around to ever replacing it. Made me feel good... he has done so much for me, I'm glad he enjoyed it. I have a regret that I have not had someone to go play with them... they have loved the company of Rik and myself all the times we have gone, and I've never brought anyone home to them since. :(
God give me strength... and a friend to help me, I don't want to have to go through this alone. I need the support of a friend right now, and a shoulder to cry on.
I know I don't have a year with him left. He at the moment does seem to want to live... but like always the mood will change and so will his will to live... again. I came clean with my grandmother today... I cried and belive me it took everything I had.
"Grandma... you know I'm not a materialistic person right? You know I don't have a want for things right?"
"Yes, Megan... I know."
"I need to tell you something... I have only wanted a few things in my intire life... (and I start to tear up) 1. That I meet someone that will fall in love with the real me and care and love me as I deserve. 2. My GRANDFATHER gives me away, and walks me down the isle at my wedding. (which I know if this happens will not be anytime soon esepecially since I don't have anyone in my life at the moment) and 3. That you are around long enough to see and hold my first born child. (and the tears are flowing now) That is all I've ever wanted. I know your not going to be around forever but before you go I just wanted these few things in life.
"Megan sometimes you don't always get what you want in life, you know this."
the conversation went on... I asked her to tell him. I simply don't have the strength. Matter of fact when he was lying in the bed talking to me... I had the "When I die" conversation... I've had them before (almost daily when living with them in the past... they have really been anticipating this for a long time) but this time was diffrent.. this time it is attached to a real posiblity he could die.
This man has been like a FATHER to me my whole life... and the only people that has actually cared about ME, and wanted to see me happy in life. They have protected me as a child from my stepfather... they have taken me in and watched me grow... they nag me about my life because they genuinely want to see me with someone that is good to me, and doing a job I love... and happy with the life I have made. They are all I have and I'm loosing them.
I have been realizing a lot this week. 1. I made the right desision to cut my mother out (and WOW this drama unfolded further today... she is the lowest life form out there, hell I would rather have a conversation with BRUCE that ever talk to her again... if that tells you ANYTHING!!!) 2. I have friends yes... but right now, in my time off need I know I can not rely on not even ONE of them to be here for me. They are all so self obsorved with there own problems and cares to really be a shoulder to cry on when I need it. (save one... and I called & left a message) We have the fun friendship... we have a great time and relax so a crisis has never occured since we have been friends, it will be interesting to see what pans out.
My grandmother said to me today... "You know... I really thought Rik was going to be the one for you. I thought he was going to take care of you, and be there for you, I can't belive I was wrong. He was so good, and took such good care of you when you were together... Do you hear from him at all anymore?"
He was not good for me... he was in love with someone else... he walked out on me... he turned his back on me. I gave him everything I had, he gave me nothing (save a broken heart) Things happen for a reason... and I'm glad he left, for I would never have left him, and it was better to find out sooner that he was a bad person that after it would have been too late.
The timing for this is horrible... I don't even know what to say to him... I love you seems silly, he never uses that word. (well 2 times in my whole life) I'm going to visit him tonight, this may be the last time I'll ever have a conversation with him... I'm hoping he can "Yell" at me one last time at least. The only thing I got this morning was "I want you to have the poker chip set you gave me... that was a right nice set and you should enjoy that." I think that was the only thing he has ever gotten that he loved. (gift wise... he hates them in general) He once talked about a set he saved, and saved for when he was younger (around 17) and his roommate at the time stole it... and then he never got around to ever replacing it. Made me feel good... he has done so much for me, I'm glad he enjoyed it. I have a regret that I have not had someone to go play with them... they have loved the company of Rik and myself all the times we have gone, and I've never brought anyone home to them since. :(
God give me strength... and a friend to help me, I don't want to have to go through this alone. I need the support of a friend right now, and a shoulder to cry on.