Life
contemplation...
I have totally reinvented myself in the past 6 months... down to the food I eat... the cloths I wear... the job I have and the people I talk to. My mannerisms are even different. I did this because I needed a change, I was tired of being "That Girl" I'm not going to explain what that means, as even if I did I'd still only be the one that understands. For what good it is... I should be happy, I'm in a position that I love, I have a great job. I have people that want to be around me... that are not out for something. Yet I'm not happy. Something is missing in my life, I know what that something is and people just tell me I don't need it. Why do people insist on telling you you don't need anyone in your life to be happy? Are they alone? Do they understand what it is like to come home to an empty bed every night? Are they perfectly fine with not telling anyone how there day was? Having no one around to share the things in there life worth sharing? What kind of person is really okay with not having someone to share things with? I'm a loner yes... but deep down I need someone in my life to share things with. What good is having a thought if I can't express it somehow to another being? I'm the cat lady...
I have all these exciting things happening to me, and at the same time some really horrible things :(. I guess life is trying to keep things balanced. Hey I'm going to Orlando to help cover the model search! BAMB and after that I'm flying to LA for a week to attend the Torrid Managers Meeting! Where yes... I will attend a BALL!!! (and I look fucking HOT in my dress... all black save a creamy silk band at the top, the dress is strapless save one bow on the side that acts as a over one shoulder strap, but then in the back it is 2 small spaghetti straps splayed out to attach it to the back of the dress) To give you an idea... my GRANDFATHER said "You are one beautiful young woman in that dress, my god you really look amazing." For anyone that knows him... I don't need to say anything else. For those randomly checking me out... He is the worlds biggest asshole and I've never heard him say even the words "I love you." but that is just how he is. My store feels like "MY STORE" now ;D... and the numbers are AWESOME, the new staff is even more AWESOME! I should be happy... yet I'm not... where are you when I come home? Same place you have been... not here. Shallow accomplishment, I can't enjoy this. I actually want to cry because I don't have anyone to share this happiness with. It is more like a reminder of what a failure I am with the opposite sex. :(
Don't tell me this is something I should get over... Don't tell me that I need to learn to be happy alone... or that I alone can make myself happy. That is the stupidest thing I've heard and it is an insult, am I honestly not worthy of having someone in my life that can be happy for me or with me in good times? Are you going to tell me I'm not worth that? That I should seriously think about just being by myself celebrating my accomplishments alone? PISS OFF if you feel this way... I deserve to share my joys, just like anyone else does. I also deserve someone that understands what I'm saying right now.
... :(
Adam is moving out this week... we have failed eachother. He has failed with not getting a job... or contributing to the bills (save the cable) No rent, No food, No electric nada... just the cable. I was hit really hard with an unexpected overage... $838 electric bill. This is shadowing a nice new phone bill of $297, over draft fees of $290, Food for $186 and Rent now increased from $565 to $600! Dont forget all the little things like Gas, and car insurance... needless to say... I didn't have enough for the rent check to clear at the end of the day. I did however pay IN FULL the electric, and all the other bills. $1300 in one day :(. If I was so irresponsible... how would I have the initial $1300??? I didn't budget for an 800 electric bill... WHO WOULD??? It has never been that fuckin high. Several factors are now at play. Adam doesnt want to be a burden... My mother has basically told him flat out to come back because of the debt I'm now in. And of course she called the grandparentals so they are now pissed at me. On top of everything... I feel like a huge failure on so many levels right now its not even talliable :( what do I get... LECTURED. From everyone on everything... what a fucking disapointment I am huh... like I don't know, please rub it in! I hardly ever cry... this is one of the weeks I cry... but because I'm learning to "Be happy alone first" I'm dealing with my saddness alone... I have no shoulders to cry on, noone holding me up when I really need it right now. I have no rock. I have to stand as my own rock... and I'm crumbling, and noone is around to keep me together. That which does not kill you makes you stronger... how strong must I be? I'm already the most unapproachable person I know.
My self esteem is taking blow after blow... I'm doing it to myself so I'm not asking for sympathy. I can't have who I want so I take what I can when I can get it. I'm so desperate... I keep making mistake after mistake in search for something I know is not there. I know it's not... but yet I still continue with this destructive behavior. I'm left used and forgotten. I was a conquest for them, the unattainable "Queen" (LOL This is the word described in reference to me... by others not myself :P) The "Alpha" female. The one you sleep with... the one you have fun with... but the one you do not marry, the one you don't even think to have a relationship with because she is too wild, too outspoken... too un controllable, too unpredictable. Not the quiet demure little house wifey type. I guess by telling me I should learn to be happy by myself it's there way of validating this paragraph. I'm not a woman a man looks at as "Marriage Material" And if you think otherwise... then why are you not pursuing me? and theres my point you make excuses... or you are not "Ready for a relationship" what other excuse can you come up with... I'm tired of hearing the excuses... I'm ready for someone to stand up an NOT HAVE ANY!!! Stop wasting my time.
Despite the hardships in my life right now, I do have so many positive things I can't enjoy. I really want to be happy. I'm so tired of not being able to enjoy things that I know I've worked hard for.
I really wish that just for tonight I could have you hold me. When I say "you" I say... this is a cosmic message to the one that is truly my other half. If your out there... please find me.
I have totally reinvented myself in the past 6 months... down to the food I eat... the cloths I wear... the job I have and the people I talk to. My mannerisms are even different. I did this because I needed a change, I was tired of being "That Girl" I'm not going to explain what that means, as even if I did I'd still only be the one that understands. For what good it is... I should be happy, I'm in a position that I love, I have a great job. I have people that want to be around me... that are not out for something. Yet I'm not happy. Something is missing in my life, I know what that something is and people just tell me I don't need it. Why do people insist on telling you you don't need anyone in your life to be happy? Are they alone? Do they understand what it is like to come home to an empty bed every night? Are they perfectly fine with not telling anyone how there day was? Having no one around to share the things in there life worth sharing? What kind of person is really okay with not having someone to share things with? I'm a loner yes... but deep down I need someone in my life to share things with. What good is having a thought if I can't express it somehow to another being? I'm the cat lady...
I have all these exciting things happening to me, and at the same time some really horrible things :(. I guess life is trying to keep things balanced. Hey I'm going to Orlando to help cover the model search! BAMB and after that I'm flying to LA for a week to attend the Torrid Managers Meeting! Where yes... I will attend a BALL!!! (and I look fucking HOT in my dress... all black save a creamy silk band at the top, the dress is strapless save one bow on the side that acts as a over one shoulder strap, but then in the back it is 2 small spaghetti straps splayed out to attach it to the back of the dress) To give you an idea... my GRANDFATHER said "You are one beautiful young woman in that dress, my god you really look amazing." For anyone that knows him... I don't need to say anything else. For those randomly checking me out... He is the worlds biggest asshole and I've never heard him say even the words "I love you." but that is just how he is. My store feels like "MY STORE" now ;D... and the numbers are AWESOME, the new staff is even more AWESOME! I should be happy... yet I'm not... where are you when I come home? Same place you have been... not here. Shallow accomplishment, I can't enjoy this. I actually want to cry because I don't have anyone to share this happiness with. It is more like a reminder of what a failure I am with the opposite sex. :(
Don't tell me this is something I should get over... Don't tell me that I need to learn to be happy alone... or that I alone can make myself happy. That is the stupidest thing I've heard and it is an insult, am I honestly not worthy of having someone in my life that can be happy for me or with me in good times? Are you going to tell me I'm not worth that? That I should seriously think about just being by myself celebrating my accomplishments alone? PISS OFF if you feel this way... I deserve to share my joys, just like anyone else does. I also deserve someone that understands what I'm saying right now.
... :(
Adam is moving out this week... we have failed eachother. He has failed with not getting a job... or contributing to the bills (save the cable) No rent, No food, No electric nada... just the cable. I was hit really hard with an unexpected overage... $838 electric bill. This is shadowing a nice new phone bill of $297, over draft fees of $290, Food for $186 and Rent now increased from $565 to $600! Dont forget all the little things like Gas, and car insurance... needless to say... I didn't have enough for the rent check to clear at the end of the day. I did however pay IN FULL the electric, and all the other bills. $1300 in one day :(. If I was so irresponsible... how would I have the initial $1300??? I didn't budget for an 800 electric bill... WHO WOULD??? It has never been that fuckin high. Several factors are now at play. Adam doesnt want to be a burden... My mother has basically told him flat out to come back because of the debt I'm now in. And of course she called the grandparentals so they are now pissed at me. On top of everything... I feel like a huge failure on so many levels right now its not even talliable :( what do I get... LECTURED. From everyone on everything... what a fucking disapointment I am huh... like I don't know, please rub it in! I hardly ever cry... this is one of the weeks I cry... but because I'm learning to "Be happy alone first" I'm dealing with my saddness alone... I have no shoulders to cry on, noone holding me up when I really need it right now. I have no rock. I have to stand as my own rock... and I'm crumbling, and noone is around to keep me together. That which does not kill you makes you stronger... how strong must I be? I'm already the most unapproachable person I know.
My self esteem is taking blow after blow... I'm doing it to myself so I'm not asking for sympathy. I can't have who I want so I take what I can when I can get it. I'm so desperate... I keep making mistake after mistake in search for something I know is not there. I know it's not... but yet I still continue with this destructive behavior. I'm left used and forgotten. I was a conquest for them, the unattainable "Queen" (LOL This is the word described in reference to me... by others not myself :P) The "Alpha" female. The one you sleep with... the one you have fun with... but the one you do not marry, the one you don't even think to have a relationship with because she is too wild, too outspoken... too un controllable, too unpredictable. Not the quiet demure little house wifey type. I guess by telling me I should learn to be happy by myself it's there way of validating this paragraph. I'm not a woman a man looks at as "Marriage Material" And if you think otherwise... then why are you not pursuing me? and theres my point you make excuses... or you are not "Ready for a relationship" what other excuse can you come up with... I'm tired of hearing the excuses... I'm ready for someone to stand up an NOT HAVE ANY!!! Stop wasting my time.
Despite the hardships in my life right now, I do have so many positive things I can't enjoy. I really want to be happy. I'm so tired of not being able to enjoy things that I know I've worked hard for.
I really wish that just for tonight I could have you hold me. When I say "you" I say... this is a cosmic message to the one that is truly my other half. If your out there... please find me.