UGH. should I run?
honestly.
should I?
again with the talk of children.
but before that... I asked if he'd be alright without me next fall, as I would like to go to the University of Tennessee Veterinary College, or whatever it's called. I'd like to get a certification in Equine Rehabilitation Therapy once I pass the boards. It would be another thing to make me a desirable hire, but it's a 140 hour course. I'm hoping that it is 140 hours, not 140 credit hours, though I'll check that out in a few minutes.
He then proceded (after saying that I should check it out, because a few months would be fine by any one, but a 4 year thing!?! I wouldn't...) with talking about how he'd thought about if we're still together, and if we're living together. (FUCK the IF's by the way. I HATE them, especially since he keeps calling this HOME, even for telling me to get HOME early. It's my HOUSE, if I'm going to my place, but this is HOME.)
He said there are places he would not mind living in order for me to pursue becoming a Vet, which would take an additional 4-6 years of schooling, but that he wondered if we would be close enough, or if we would have to be separate for a while while i did my thing, coming home for holidays or something.
So I reminded him that I want to take a break from school for a while. I'm burned out, and i want to have children fairly young (I'm kind of nearing the upper limit for what I would consider having children "young."), and I don't want to go through school having kids, so it would probably be years (15ish) before I go back, which I am completely OK with.
Then came the, "I know you want children, and I do too, eventually." He brought up the 2012 thing, that the Mayan Calendar is supposedly 4 years off of ours and he isn't sure which way. If it was 2008, nothing happened, if it's 2012 and on time, then we have just over 3 years. If it is 2016, well, we've got a while to go.
And if shit hits the fan, he doesn't want another mouth to feed. If we have to disappear or fend for ourselves, he doesn't want to be dragging along a toddler. Until a child is about 5, they are too dependent.
And if things get REALLY bad, he isn't sure he would want children AT ALL. At least not until things settle down and it was time to repopulate when we have civilization of some sort again. Which is all fine and well... FOR HIM! Men can have kids when they are old... we women... our eggs have expiration dates on them.
I do not think I can talk him into it.
I've tried to communicate (albeit weakly) with his father, who has passed on, hoping he could provide some insight, or talk to his son.
I want children. I can provide. I can care for them. I can be strong and survive.
I just don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to walk away, this is a large part of my dream: to have children.
But part of me can't just leave him. I love him too much and I'm committed, but I'm tearing myself apart here. I'm actually crying now, I held back while we talked, but I am finally shedding tears of sadness and frustration. I have not cried in over a month.
My mother told him last night that she wished us a safe and pleasant trip this weekend (to Seattle, where we are attending a wedding), and that she hopes that the trip rubs off on him. That the purpose of the trip does, anyway. Only thing she didn't do was nudge and say "hint, hint."
SHE wants us married. HIS mom wants grandchildren, soon (she isn't "getting any younger here!"). He doesn't want children before marriage, same as I, and he doesn't want to marry long before children, but now this.
which means my dreams of being married soon are dashed. my pictures and plans for naught.
It isn't news to me, this 2012 thing, but sometimes, he glossed over it, implying that it was less of a concern, or that we might soon. But then he gets gung-ho. It's like he's taking me along on his ride. He needs me....
I don't know.
should I?
again with the talk of children.
but before that... I asked if he'd be alright without me next fall, as I would like to go to the University of Tennessee Veterinary College, or whatever it's called. I'd like to get a certification in Equine Rehabilitation Therapy once I pass the boards. It would be another thing to make me a desirable hire, but it's a 140 hour course. I'm hoping that it is 140 hours, not 140 credit hours, though I'll check that out in a few minutes.
He then proceded (after saying that I should check it out, because a few months would be fine by any one, but a 4 year thing!?! I wouldn't...) with talking about how he'd thought about if we're still together, and if we're living together. (FUCK the IF's by the way. I HATE them, especially since he keeps calling this HOME, even for telling me to get HOME early. It's my HOUSE, if I'm going to my place, but this is HOME.)
He said there are places he would not mind living in order for me to pursue becoming a Vet, which would take an additional 4-6 years of schooling, but that he wondered if we would be close enough, or if we would have to be separate for a while while i did my thing, coming home for holidays or something.
So I reminded him that I want to take a break from school for a while. I'm burned out, and i want to have children fairly young (I'm kind of nearing the upper limit for what I would consider having children "young."), and I don't want to go through school having kids, so it would probably be years (15ish) before I go back, which I am completely OK with.
Then came the, "I know you want children, and I do too, eventually." He brought up the 2012 thing, that the Mayan Calendar is supposedly 4 years off of ours and he isn't sure which way. If it was 2008, nothing happened, if it's 2012 and on time, then we have just over 3 years. If it is 2016, well, we've got a while to go.
And if shit hits the fan, he doesn't want another mouth to feed. If we have to disappear or fend for ourselves, he doesn't want to be dragging along a toddler. Until a child is about 5, they are too dependent.
And if things get REALLY bad, he isn't sure he would want children AT ALL. At least not until things settle down and it was time to repopulate when we have civilization of some sort again. Which is all fine and well... FOR HIM! Men can have kids when they are old... we women... our eggs have expiration dates on them.
I do not think I can talk him into it.
I've tried to communicate (albeit weakly) with his father, who has passed on, hoping he could provide some insight, or talk to his son.
I want children. I can provide. I can care for them. I can be strong and survive.
I just don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to walk away, this is a large part of my dream: to have children.
But part of me can't just leave him. I love him too much and I'm committed, but I'm tearing myself apart here. I'm actually crying now, I held back while we talked, but I am finally shedding tears of sadness and frustration. I have not cried in over a month.
My mother told him last night that she wished us a safe and pleasant trip this weekend (to Seattle, where we are attending a wedding), and that she hopes that the trip rubs off on him. That the purpose of the trip does, anyway. Only thing she didn't do was nudge and say "hint, hint."
SHE wants us married. HIS mom wants grandchildren, soon (she isn't "getting any younger here!"). He doesn't want children before marriage, same as I, and he doesn't want to marry long before children, but now this.
which means my dreams of being married soon are dashed. my pictures and plans for naught.
It isn't news to me, this 2012 thing, but sometimes, he glossed over it, implying that it was less of a concern, or that we might soon. But then he gets gung-ho. It's like he's taking me along on his ride. He needs me....
I don't know.