i KNoW iT's LoNG, BuT you'LL LiVe.. i'D Do iT FoR you...
So it’s one of those nights again, folks. “What kind of nights?” you may ask…
The kind of nights where you are up w/ an immense amount of thoughts/ideas/perceptions/opinions/questions/feelings pouring in and out of your head like there’s no tomorrow.
The kind of nights where every thought is arbitrary and you don’t really know how you got from one thought to the next.
The kind of nights where you get this.. epiphany, if you will, to do something different w/ your life that happens to me about.. oh, every 6 months or so.
The kind of nights I absolutely love when I have the advantage of an open schedule the next day so I can indulge in sleeping until countless hours of the afternoon. I do not love it so much on this occasion b/c it is 5:43 a.m. and I have a 9 a.m. class tomorrow. (Well, I guess it would be today if you wanna get technical) =(
I should be reading my philosophy book, b/c I didn’t get to it after the maaaassive amounts of reading I did in my psychology book, but I’m afraid that reading that will only further increase all the questions spinning inside my head already. =/
One particular thought was about something I read in my psych book… “..psychologists have found that a history of traumas can interfere w/ individual’s drive, level of energy, and ability to concentrate at school and at work.”
And what’s more is that I have heard that same kind of theory in relation to a person surviving cancer, but this time around I had a completely different reaction. A question mark went off in my head..
So.. having gone through a trauma, (in my case, cancer) would then have a negative effect on my drive, energy and concentration levels @ school??
Uhh.. sorry, I don’t think that’s acceptable. >=O
Well, let’s see.. I don’t seem to have the same drive I used to have in relation to getting things done.. my energy levels pretty much.. ehh, *thumbs down* in comparison to what they should be as a normal 20 year old.. and I have a tough time getting myself to study or “get down to business” when it comes to doing homework. (Which is something I never had a severe problem w/ “pre-Leukemia”.. if that’s even a term)
Hmm.. well, this kind of concept actually affecting me and my way of living in a negative sense makes me want to prove it wrong to any degree that I can. Why should my experience unconstructively affect who I want to be and how I get to be that person? I have always seen living through cancer as a “blessing in disguise”. So why validate some stupid notion of being a lazy ass in direct response of having suffered this so-called “trauma”?
When I heard it the first time I thought: “Oh, so that’s why I don’t feel the same way about school.. I’ve seen the ‘bigger picture’ and realize that just being alive is the important thing.” But.. what is being alive if you suck @ life and aren’t completely satisfied w/ the quality of life you are living??
So let’s change that, shall we? =) I’m so very disappointed in my grades this last semester, b/c they are not up to my standards of what I know I can achieve. I am also very disappointed in how I’ve “let myself go”. I’m weighing more than normal and I haven’t felt like putting on make-up, doing my hair, or even shower as often as I used to. (No, I’m not letting myself develop an uncontrollable stench or grow mold.. it’s just a little less often than normal) And the job thing? Don't EVEN get me started on the job thing! WHY ALL THE LAZINESS?? Distractions? Lack of energy? Lack of brainpower? I have no idea, but I’m done w/ it. I'm going to motivate myself to change this and be completely content w/ everything I am. Yes, it’s possible that I’ll be right back here writing an outburst similar to this one in another 6 months, but the goal is to get myself in check now and let it go for as long as possible. =D And w/ that folks, I think I have finished this rant. Ciao! =)
The kind of nights where you are up w/ an immense amount of thoughts/ideas/perceptions/opinions/questions/feelings pouring in and out of your head like there’s no tomorrow.
The kind of nights where every thought is arbitrary and you don’t really know how you got from one thought to the next.
The kind of nights where you get this.. epiphany, if you will, to do something different w/ your life that happens to me about.. oh, every 6 months or so.
The kind of nights I absolutely love when I have the advantage of an open schedule the next day so I can indulge in sleeping until countless hours of the afternoon. I do not love it so much on this occasion b/c it is 5:43 a.m. and I have a 9 a.m. class tomorrow. (Well, I guess it would be today if you wanna get technical) =(
I should be reading my philosophy book, b/c I didn’t get to it after the maaaassive amounts of reading I did in my psychology book, but I’m afraid that reading that will only further increase all the questions spinning inside my head already. =/
One particular thought was about something I read in my psych book… “..psychologists have found that a history of traumas can interfere w/ individual’s drive, level of energy, and ability to concentrate at school and at work.”
And what’s more is that I have heard that same kind of theory in relation to a person surviving cancer, but this time around I had a completely different reaction. A question mark went off in my head..
So.. having gone through a trauma, (in my case, cancer) would then have a negative effect on my drive, energy and concentration levels @ school??
Uhh.. sorry, I don’t think that’s acceptable. >=O
Well, let’s see.. I don’t seem to have the same drive I used to have in relation to getting things done.. my energy levels pretty much.. ehh, *thumbs down* in comparison to what they should be as a normal 20 year old.. and I have a tough time getting myself to study or “get down to business” when it comes to doing homework. (Which is something I never had a severe problem w/ “pre-Leukemia”.. if that’s even a term)
Hmm.. well, this kind of concept actually affecting me and my way of living in a negative sense makes me want to prove it wrong to any degree that I can. Why should my experience unconstructively affect who I want to be and how I get to be that person? I have always seen living through cancer as a “blessing in disguise”. So why validate some stupid notion of being a lazy ass in direct response of having suffered this so-called “trauma”?
When I heard it the first time I thought: “Oh, so that’s why I don’t feel the same way about school.. I’ve seen the ‘bigger picture’ and realize that just being alive is the important thing.” But.. what is being alive if you suck @ life and aren’t completely satisfied w/ the quality of life you are living??
So let’s change that, shall we? =) I’m so very disappointed in my grades this last semester, b/c they are not up to my standards of what I know I can achieve. I am also very disappointed in how I’ve “let myself go”. I’m weighing more than normal and I haven’t felt like putting on make-up, doing my hair, or even shower as often as I used to. (No, I’m not letting myself develop an uncontrollable stench or grow mold.. it’s just a little less often than normal) And the job thing? Don't EVEN get me started on the job thing! WHY ALL THE LAZINESS?? Distractions? Lack of energy? Lack of brainpower? I have no idea, but I’m done w/ it. I'm going to motivate myself to change this and be completely content w/ everything I am. Yes, it’s possible that I’ll be right back here writing an outburst similar to this one in another 6 months, but the goal is to get myself in check now and let it go for as long as possible. =D And w/ that folks, I think I have finished this rant. Ciao! =)